Everyday a lesson  

rm_1spiderskiss 47M
64 posts
7/23/2006 1:09 pm

Last Read:
8/6/2006 10:34 pm

Everyday a lesson

I tried to write this on my birthday (three days ago) but had one too many margaritas to concentrate. I’ve never been good at birthdays; I hate the attention, the bad singing, opening presents in front of other people. But I didn’t want to spend this birthday alone. I used to be so happy to just invite a couple of friends over for drinks (and chocolate cake, duh) or even just spend it alone with E. But now, one month (officially) out of a marriage and my best friend, the woman I celebrated with for almost ten years is out of the picture. Her birthday was a few months ago and she had a big party. I found out from MD and it was the usual suspects, the people I used to call friends. It broke my heart. I called her that day, even though we were in the heat of battle because despite everything wrong in our relationship, I still loved here and hope she had a good day.

I was determined to do my own mini-version but here’s the rub, I don’t have any friends. That’s not quite true, D’s become a great friend but two isn’t a party. MD is out of town, GB is E’s sister and that just seemed weird, and GF moved to New York a few months ago. That left KK, a co-worker whom I love and I’d say we’re friends but she’s sexy as hell and I want get in her pants. Sadly, her live-in boyfriend probably wouldn’t approve. Keep in mind that E was the cruise director in the relationship ‒ I haven’t made a plan in years. We hooked up at El Conquistador for deadly margs and ok food. KK and her boy joined late (said they were “working out”.

The most interesting moment came when D asked me if I’d checked out online dating. I told him about AdultFriendFinder and as I described the experience to him I had an epiphany. Consider the time and energy I dedicate to this site: improving my profile, scanning through ungodly numbers of picts, and writing clever emails (debatable) to attract attention. If I took that time to read books and magazines, see movies, go to gallery openings, surf, exercise, etc. I would be a really amazing person, a person that others want to be around (read: sleep with). And if I don’t get laid then at least I did something positive with my time.

Here’s the problem with AdultFriendFinder and indeed every internet personal service: it feels active but it’s completely passive. You feel like you are doing something (and you must be because time flies by) but it is a shallow, non-substantive activity disguised as productive. You see a picture and decide if they’re your type. You read the profile and try to pull out something unique and interesting. You compose and email and hope it’s clever enough to pass through the filter. And then you wait and wait. Will they check your profile? Will you get a response? Is it an auto-response or will the profile be deleted a day later?

For me this site is a great learning experience and what it has taught me is that I need to go out and be a part of the world and through that I’ll find what I crave.

BTW, E did call on my birthday, not to wish me well but to ask if I’d split up our cell phone plan yet. Every day a lesson.

rm_aWench4U 63M/62F
741 posts
8/6/2006 3:23 am

First I have to say that I LOVE your picture in the cowboy hat! I find it incredibly sexy--dipped over one eye, sly grin. Oh, but I digress.

Although we're separaated by 1100 miles and 20 years, your post here (as well as some others) touched me. I ended a 30 year relationship, by my choice, but it was still hard. Most of my friends were couples, and even if they understood why I had to leave, they still distanced themselves--almost like whatever I have is contageous. In their defense, we don't have as much in common anymore since I'm the odd "man" out. Oh well. . . .

I too have often questioned the time I spend here. Over the past year and a half, I've met some incredibly interesting people here, as well as a few strange ones, and one that was down right creepy. Would I be better off if I spent the time in real life pursuits? Maybe. But that would require getting dressed for the occasion, doing my hair and make-up, and actually leaving the house. The problem is, once I'm home from work, I want to stay home.

Anyway, this probably sounds a bit crazy, but it helps to know somebody understands, even if we don't know each other. Thanks for articulating it so well.


Remember the past but do not dwell there.
Face the future where all our hopes stand.


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