The who and the why  

rjmaggie 51M
312 posts
9/8/2006 10:26 pm

Last Read:
9/19/2006 11:55 pm

The who and the why

Since my first post was fulfilling a dare, I will use this one as my intro so you'll know a little about who I am and why I'm here.

All my life, I have been a "jack of all trades" and master of many. Growing up on a dairy farm, I learned a little bit about everything - especially about hard work; there was a lot of responsibility but also a great deal of freedom. In high school, I was a part of many cliques but had no deep friendships. In college, it was much the same - friendships but no serious relationships. Looking back, I was not only shy, but a "nice guy" - deadly combination for getting laid! My career started before college finished - I have an architecture degree but circumstances have kept me from becoming licensed. I started my own consulting business with my brother four years ago.

The woman who would become my wife came into my life just before I graduated from college. She was hired as the secretary, it was a small office and we became friends...and soon more. A fairly innocent kiss led to something neither of us saw coming. She had two small kids from a previous marriage, and I was hesitant to dive into a ready-made family situation. Sixteen months later, as I was becoming more confortable with the idea, she became pregnant and we were married. A second daughter followed only fifteen months after the first was born.

Our problems started soon after my kids were born. My wife is not the "motherly" type. She wanted to go to college, but it wasn't to be at that time. She stayed at home with the kids for a while, then decided to take third-shift jobs to try to help out financially. When casino gaming was legalized in our state, she turned to gambling as an escape from, I guess, a disappointing life. The losses mounted, and we eventually filed bankruptcy. That was ten years ago.

Money: The root of all evil, and most arguments. That pretty much covers our marriage. Sex is not the problem, but the gambling is - ultimately, it led to an affair with someone she met at the casino. Through it all, I have fought to keep everything together. I succeeded in mitigating the gambling enough to get her through nursing school - and she has just received her R.N. license. However, the gambling continues to be an issue and there is little that I can do about it, short of divorce. I know that, at some point, if it continues, I will have had enough and will leave her.

That's my story, and that is why I have come here. At first, I was just curious to know if anyone would find me attractive or desireable. Then, as I discovered and started reading the blogs, I became stimulated intellectually. Now, my mission...as I have chosen to accept it...is to explore, research and attempt to better understand women...truly an impossible one!


partygirl3869 49F

9/8/2006 10:47 pm

I'm glad to see that you are going to continue your blog! You'll find great comfort and joy doing it. I can't belive that I have already posted 38 or 39 blogs in the last 30 days. I have only been blogging for about 30 days now, and I can't believe that I didn't find it before then. Sometimes, it's the only way to escape from the crazy life that I have.

Again, welcome to blogland!! I have you on my watched list and will be looking forward to seeing more of you...here and in my place.

Hugs!

PG


rjmaggie replies on 9/8/2006 11:08 pm:
Thanks, PG. I enjoy reading your posts and I think we're in somewhat similar situations. You are definitely farther down the road, but I can totally understand.

Hugs back

rjmaggie replies on 9/8/2006 11:10 pm:
Thanks, PG. I enjoy reading your posts and I think we're in somewhat similar situations. You are definitely farther down the road, but I can totally understand.

Hugs back

Hydragenias 57F

9/8/2006 11:52 pm

Being married to someone with an addiction is not a fun life. I was married to an alcoholic for 15 yrs. I tried my best to make it work, but it just couldn't. After 15 yrs I said UNCLE and filed for divorce. That was a major turning point in my life and one of the BEST things I ever did for myself and for my children. I'm not advocating divorce but sometimes it's the only answer. My hope for you is that your wife will seek recovery and WIN the battle so your marriage can have a happily-ever-after.


rjmaggie replies on 9/9/2006 11:35 pm:
You're right - it's always the 800-pound gorilla in the room. The worst thing that it does is erode trust.

She does know she has a problem and wants to stop. We've made a change in our relationship in the past 18 months and I have been trying to hold her accountable for her actions. It has improved things somewhat. However, in a marital property state like ours, the only thing that can truly protect you is divorce.

What it comes down to is an all-or-nothing proposition.

rm_txrose4uNTX 58F
3289 posts
9/9/2006 3:51 pm

You sound like a very sexy, intelligent guy -- mixed up with a mixed up situation. I have, too, been there - in your shoes - facing the same dilemma (but a slightly different song). Truth of the matter is I went to discuss it with the pastors and discovered that their advice to me (in my particular situation) was that God wasn't going to look badly upon me to break away from that marriage because God wants us to live life happily and free from harm's way (harm's way was his bi-polarism and rages).

I have moved forward since then... found another fine man that I married who doted on me; unfortunately, God blessed us only a couple of good years together.

I seek much of the same acceptance and affirmations that you do through this site -- and I have found soooo much more. It is amazing what you will find in this site.

While it is touted a sex & swinger's site, it is actually so much more. Whichever path you end up taking, I hope that you will find much happiness in the end. It is what we are all striving for, isn't it????

Welcome to Blogland. May you find peace and happiness along your journey.....

TxRose


rjmaggie replies on 9/9/2006 11:51 pm:
Thanks, TxRose. I appreciate the perspective of people who have "been there, done that".

At this point, I am more concerned with my daughters. They are aware of her gambling problem, but not directly affected by it. They had a harder time with her affair and the thought of us breaking up - a few months of counseling managed to firm up our family foundation again. Basically, I still haven't given up on her - I believe she can still beat it.

Peace and happiness to you as well.

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