I'm Not Human Tonight  

qosmann 67M
209 posts
8/9/2006 5:42 am

Last Read:
8/30/2006 10:52 pm

I'm Not Human Tonight

The great detective fiction writer Raymond Chandler has a special place in my soul. He was a successful businessman once upon a time, but the economy went south and so did his business career. He took up writing at a later age, and while not prolific by any means, managed to define a genre that influenced word and film for a couple of generations. Some folks may know him as the writer of the screenplay for Double Indemnity, the film noir classic starring Fred MacMurry and Barbara Stanwyck. Others know him for his half dozen short stories and his scant 9 novels.

I feel a certain kinship to Chandler. Like him, I think I know some great secret in the world that only I know, and which I grudgingly share, mostly through my conversation in chat rooms, and lately, here in the blogesphere universe.

So when I entered that severe funk of yesterday (see my previous entry) I immediately defaulted to a frame of reference to find perspective. That reference? Why, Raymond Chandler, of course!

The passage is from The Little Sister, a case that rips Phillip Marlowe from place to place, clue to unrelated clue in the typical Chandler helter skelter. Marlowe is lost, with nothing making sense. He has dinner and a drink or seven, then takes off on a drive through Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley. He observes, he makes cynical comments. You know the kind. The world is crap and going to hell in a hand basket and I see it all arent't I smart for realizing it.

And every time he reaches the point of sheer rant, he steps back, realizing the fault is in him, not in the world around him.

"You're not human tonight, Marlowe" is the refrain of this brilliant piece of writing.

So here I am, recovering from a day in which I was a complete jerk, a total fucking asshole. Neither was I... not human. I picked fights with people in chatrooms. Maybe I had a point. I could have taken the high ground but I did not. I was not human.

Then contact from a talented, creative, attractive, conflicted, but nevertheless transmogrifying young lady whose smile drops me at 50 yards and whose voice drills into my soul, and compels me to want to hold her, care for her.

Now, recovered, I can find perspective.

With any luck, I have weathered the phase. With any luck, now I am human again.

madiemoon 53F
2090 posts
8/9/2006 3:44 pm

gosmann ....

unfortunately we all have these days. this is our nature (or life inflicted) for some crazy reason. somewhere seeded deeply within us is a rage and unpleasantness that at times needs to escape. all we can do is hope that those around us realize that this is temporary and will soon pass. we are not always the unhuman as we so seem to be at that particular moment.

although i have only briefly read You, i find You charming

congrats on the better mood

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