muddled, but sane, i think  

purdy37 44F
38 posts
6/26/2006 7:58 am

Last Read:
6/26/2006 10:19 am

muddled, but sane, i think


feeling a little lost today and have been all over the weekend, the past few weeks are catching up with me and i have come to terms with the loss. doesnt make it any easier to bare. i still have alot of anger and sometimes that anger is directed at the wrong people, cant help it, sometimes i cant control it!!!
he is gone i know that, nothing i can do is going to change the facts. i wish i could, i want so much to call and say hi, i still have the number, why i dont know, its not worth the paper its written on. all gone, no one will answer if i call, i will just get the 'this number is no longer available' it brings it home to me and makes me sad but also very angry.
so many memories and yet i cant remember what he looks like,i have to think so hard to remember his face and his movements. his movements, only special to him. if only i could talk to him now, i need him so much!!!
everything seems to have gone tits up, im not me right now, i dont even know me any more, its like i have retreated and this other thing has come out and taken my place, i dont like it, in fact i hate it. i dont like the way i feel and the way i convey myself to other people. im not me, i want to be but cant seem to find a way out right now, so i push everyone away, reaction to the need to be alone, but the need for someone to be there for me, trouble is i dont want any one to see just what i have turned in to, im a self made monster, an emotional wreck, trying to seek something to make me feel whole again, to be happy, and so comes candy to the rescue, takes the edge off my hatred for the world and the people in it, for a short while i am me again, happy and content and able to express what i feel if only to the bear on my bed.
its not what i want to do, been there and done it, even bought several t-shirts along the way. but its the only way i know how to cope with what i feel inside. i sit alone and the tears fall sometimes, for people lost, the latest loss was a bigger blow than i thought it would be, i didnt realise the love and respect i held for him until he was gone. and it makes me mad that i couldnt tell him just how much he meant to me.
im not going there again, no more time have to move on.
right now at this moment in time i feel i have no love to give, there is a sign on me which says 'vacant' and thats how i feel, empty of anything but anger. and i hate being this way, i do try and change my way of thinking, i try so hard, but it doesnt always work. at times i feel so happy, want to shout that life is good, then the down side, and yes it is the candy that does it, need to stay away i know that, but not always that easy. when you feel so happy with something why throw it away? its a relationship i have, the side of me which should never surface, i knew years ago that my personality is one of addiction to anything, i do every thing to excess, what ever it may be at the time, alcohol, drugs, smoking you name it i will do it to excess, down the the gutter and then slowly claw my way out again. im far from the gutter right now, in fact my life is good i have all the things i need, some areas have to change, and they will come in time, one thing at a time, the crap will be cleared and things will once again be the way i need them to be. easy and uncomplicated. one day at a time though, im not ready for the shift to happen right now, but as time goes by things will slowly be changed, i will make them subtle and an easy transition for me.
things will be ok i know they will, the changed will happen and it will be back to normal once again. the courage is there, i just have to find the energy to use it!!!!!!

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
6/26/2006 8:11 am

I have always believed that numbness is a bad thing, allow yourself to be human, allow your self to hurt, otherwise you can never heal from your trauma.


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