a little nuts  

purdy37 44F
38 posts
5/1/2006 1:15 pm
a little nuts

well things have been a little nuts the past few days, guess thats why i havent been able to write a blog. have been trying to sort through all the shit, work out what's real and whats fiction.
went away this weekend and had the best time ever, i went back to a past time for a while and did things i havent done for a long time. yeah, a bit of candy was involved and other stuff besides, i killed of a few brain cells and tried to rid myself of some crap that has been going round in my head, i did that fine and for a while i thought with such clarity, that i thought i was back to the old me once again.
then the shit comes back with a vengence and the text messages start and then the phone calls. all to much to take in, to many people involved once again and wasnt sure what way to turn for a while and guess i still dont.
at times i do think im ok. then something will be said and i am so lost and cofused that i dont know if this life is actually real, or if i am just a bloody puppet on someones string to be played with.
poked and prodded to see what reaction they will get from me.

someone came to my house last night and accused me of the most terrible thing, and i guess i cant forget the words that were said to me, i thought i had been hurt before, but what he said took my breath away, so much so that i couldnt think of anything to say that meant a damn to anyone.
my head in a spin and everything thrown in to total chaos all over again.
from him it hurt more than any thing, i thought we had come to some sort of understanding. i actually thought we could learn to trust and be ok with each other. but he showed me that at the end of the day he doesnt trust, or think very highly of me. and to me it hurts to realise that maybe some truth has been said by the third party?
jesus, i dont know, i dont know alot at the moment, the door is shut and i cant see a way of opening it up to just have him there alone, all i see when i open the door is a mountain of shit flying at me, doubts and so many lies, or are they lies? who the fuck knows, what she did has made everyone concerned back away and get so confused and out of touch with the real world of talking that no one knows what to believe. no one can trust and no one can see the wood for the trees. me included, its lke being put in to some thick fog, i can see the way out, but everytime i reach the exit, someone puts something else in the way to block my path to freedom.
im forever walking in circles not knowing when it will all stop.
i didnt believe that something could get so twisted and so out of context all because one person wanted something they couldnt have.
how do i ever trust the others involved?
should i just walk away and leave it alone?
i wish i could, but something is holding me to it all and i cant seem to make myself leave. why i dont know, i havent worked it out yet, but given time im sure it will come to me.
as for her, if she ever crosses my path again i will make sure she never walks again, and that is a promise. she took things from me and i dont know if i will ever be able to regain them and complete myself as a being who wants no more from this life than to be content share my life with someone who loves me for me. and in return i shall give the same respect and contentment.
will it happen? who the hell knows, at the moment im caught in a storm and dont think its ever going to turn in to sunshine!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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