Daddy's Little Girl  

pragmaticCTcpl 62M/51F
3614 posts
7/23/2006 10:49 am

Last Read:
3/6/2007 1:37 pm

Daddy's Little Girl


Throughout my life, I've had bits and pieces of good times and bad. We all do.

Short, or long term events and happenings that may, at first, seem like something important...that eventually pass from the forefront of our lives...and are only looked back on when remembered.

There are exceptions to this, of course. Exceptions that have changed our lives and continue to be with us...every day.

Children are one of those exceptions.

Collectively, Mrs. Prag and I have 5 children...her two sons and my son and two daughters. My oldest daughter is married, and yes, I consider my son-in-law to be one of our "kids" too.

Mrs. Prag's youngest son lives with us, and the relationship we have is like a roller-coaster ride...we have our ups and downs. I do what I can for and with him to provide the "fatherly-figure" in his life...but regardless of my efforts and feelings, he and I both know that I'm not his father. I love him unconditionally.

My oldest daughter has been living far away, out-of-state, and married, for many years. We don't see each other that often, and communications between us are infrequent, at best. I love her very much.

My son and youngest daughter, from my second marriage, and I, are estranged.

When I began divorce proceedings with my second wife, my son continued to see and communicate with me. He had just finished his first semester as a freshman in college and, being three years older than his sister, had a little better grasp...emotionally, on what was going on between his mother and I.

He never "chose sides" during the entire process, but after the divorce...and after I had written him a letter, telling him that I had gotten remarried, he turned silent on me and finally blasted me in an email, about 6 months later.

The contents of the email revealed that his mother had fed him a good deal of poison about me...things that parents should never talk to their children about.

I responded back to his email as best I could...staying away from his mothers tactics of poisoning his mind with derogatory comments and lies, and closed it by telling him that I love him very much and that the door to my heart will always be open to him, if and when he ever changes his mind and wants to "have a father" again.

We haven't spoken in almost three years.

My youngest daughter, who hadn't quite turned 16 when the divorce started, continues to live with her mother today.

She pulled away from me very early on in the proceedings. At first it was just not answering the door, when I would come to visit her, weekly...then, it became apparent that her mother's poison was in effect. "She doesn't want to see you anymore," my not-soon-enough-to-be-ex would say whenever I would come to the house to see my daughter.

After the divorce was final...and after I had remarried, I got a few hateful and obscene emails from my youngest daughter. Again, some of the comments and information contained in them told me...without question, that her mother had divulged another pack of derogatory and misrepresented comments and lies to her.

A few nights ago...after over 4 years of not having spoken to each youngest daughter came up and knocked on the back door.

Her visit was predicated by another of her mother's mind-poisonings.

Within our divorce agreement, we are both to provide health insurance for both of the children.

When she got a job, my ex decided that she would add only our son to her health insurance, and sign our daughter up on the state insurance plan for student children, to "save money."

When my daughter reached her 19th birthday, my ex wrote to me telling me I had to get health insurance for her, as she was now too old for the student children state plan.

I did not have any benefits available to me at the time, through my employment, and the health insurance that I had through Mrs. Prag's employment could not cover her because she didn't live with us.

I wrote back that information and that the divorce agreement stipulated that "both parents would provide health insurance, when available through their employment, as long as they were full-time college students, and until they reached the age of 23."

Of course I never heard back from my ex after sending her that reply.

When I changed jobs and obtained health care insurance, I immediately signed on both my son and daughter, and sent their insurance ID cards to their mother.

About 3 months ago, I again changed jobs, thus changing my health care insurance provider. I immediately communicated this change to my ex and requested from her the necessary documents required by the insurance company to add my son and daughter to my coverage.

I got copies of their birth certificates, but not the documentation from their respective colleges confirming that they were full-time students. As a result, I was unable to add them to my insurance.

A few weeks ago, my ex called our home and told me that our daughter had been sick...had gone to the doctor...and had prescriptions totaling $350.

I reminded her that she never procured the full-time student documents that I had requested in writing, thus making them ineligible for being on my insurance...and, the fact that we have been BOTH ordered by the court, through our final divorce agreement, to provide health insurance for both children.

Her answers are like a scratchy, broken record...always the same and without variation. "I can't afford to have BOTH kids on my insurance"..."YOU should have talked to the kids to ask them for the paperwork."

My reply was delivered calmly, quietly, and civilly, "You know very well that both children have refused to talk with me or have any relationship with me. The divorce was between you and I, not the children. I have to follow the court-ordered requirements of the divorce agreement and obtain those things through you."

I even went so far as to tell her that I would be willing to pay half of the pharmacy bill, to show my willingness to provide for our daughter, after she came out with her "woe, is me" statement that her charge card bill would be due soon, and she couldn't afford to pay it all.

Once again, I repeated what was necessary to add our daughter to my health insurance...and once again, I repeated that we are BOTH mandated to provide health insurance coverage.

Then, miraculously, a week later, my daughter's full-time student confirmation document shows up in our mail box. No note...just the document. It was dated the day after the prescription charges and my ex's phone call.

I immediately faxed in all of the documents, and my daughter was added to my health care insurance.

Three weeks later...last week, I get another letter from my ex saying that I'm responsible for the whole thing...because it was my fault that I didn't add her to my insurance..!!!

My reply letter was concise, straightforward, and contained references to my previous correspondence, dates, AND, the court-ordered divorce agreement mandate. I also told her that her greed negated our verbal agreement, which by her written communication, was a total misrepresentation of what we had discussed, and that in my opinion, could only have been written by someone who was totally, reading comprehension-impaired..!

So what was her way of retaliating..???? She shows my reply to our daughter...probably went into her "Woe, is poor me" routine, and my daughter breaks her 4+ years of non-communication with me, and knocks on our back door.

Face-to-face, she ripped into me. Telling me how I've ruined her I'm an I've never cared for her.

I listened...I told her that I love her...and I didn't use any poison about her mother other than to say that if her mother wasn't so lazy and greedy, that she would've been covered under my insurance over three months ago.

Then she asked to...and finally met Mrs. Prag.

They talked for a few minutes, but it was obvious that she was running on pure emotion.

As she left, I once again told her that I loved her...that the door to my heart was always open to her, but her reply was, "Just leave me alone."

Mrs. Prag and I have talked about this sporadically, over the past few days.

She has a much better understanding of what it's like for children of a divorce than I do...having been one and gone through it herself.

She also now truly understands the pain that I carry with me every day of my life...the loss of my children.

Yes, she and I have talked about my son and daughter's it came my repeated attempts to contact them were thwarted and giggled at by my ex. How my ex poured gasoline on the fire every opportunity she had to do so.

My little girl is an emotional mess. She feels sorry for mommy because mommy has painted a picture of deceit and lies, and probably doesn't even know what is true anymore.

One of the things I said to my daughter was that I would never say anything about why her mother and I got divorced. "Ask her to tell you the truth," I said. "The divorce was between your mother and I...not you and your brother."

Even when I asked her if she had read the letter her mother wrote to me, telling me I was responsible for the whole mess about the insurance, she couldn't give me a straight answer, except to say, "you're probably BOTH lying about it."

The other night was a very mixed emotion, for me. On one hand, I'm elated that I got to see and talk with my little girl...but seeing the emotional pain that she's in...not being able to hold her in my arms and just hug her...and not knowing when, or if, we'll ever talk again...hurts me deeply.

I miss my children. I love all of my children.


MWWwantmore 52F

7/23/2006 11:39 am

Divorce is tough on both the kids and the parents. My parents were divorced when I was young, it was not bitter but my father decided not to keep in contact with his kids. It was mostly me who would contact him because I wanted him to be a part of his grandchildrens lives. But he chose not to keep in contact and I feel my kids are missing out on having a grandfather. Is it better to not have one than to have one that seems not to care?

You are a good man for trying to stay in contact. Sorry it hasnt worked out as you had hoped!

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:30 am:
Thanks, MWW..! All I can do at this point is to continue to hope.

GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
7/23/2006 12:00 pm

sorry to read about your pain and mixed emotions. Children so often are the victims in divorce cases, however hard one of the parents might try to avoid it (it should be a collectve effort).

You have done and are doing your best. I hope your pain will be less, knowing you're doing all you can .... letting them know you love them unconditionally is important, no matter what the circumstances....

gud luck ....

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:32 am:
Thank you, Goddess..!

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
7/23/2006 12:30 pm

I have to commend you for not talking ill about their mother. She is obviously used to getting her way through emotional blackmail and it must infuriate her that you refuse to buy into that. I'm sorry though....I could feel your heartbreak through your words. All you can do is what you did.....let them know that you love them...and there are no conditions on that love. ~hugs~ MrPrag!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:39 am:
Thanks, angel..! The only thing she can point to and "claim victory" on is her poisoning me in their eyes. Pretty "small" victory, when you look at the effect it's had on the kids.

fantasylover_05 63M

7/23/2006 4:05 pm

My deepest sympathies my friend

It is difficult to over come the poison one parent can instill in the children when that parent is the only one they hear

I pray that they will one day look back with more clarity and understanding and at which time you will be reunited!

Keep the faith my Friend! Poison has a way of working through the system and ultimately bites the one spreading it

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:43 am:
Thanks, fl..! That "door" will always remain open to them.

rm_agathon12 47M
1311 posts
7/23/2006 10:43 pm

I'm sorry. The only consolation is that the truth will come out in the end. It is cold consolation, I know, but it is better than nothing. Your children miss you, too. They will come back, even if it is only to curse at you. Eventually that will get old and they will start to ask questions.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:56 am:
Thank you, agathon..! If they ever were to come to me, and ask me "what happened," I don't think that I could tell them anything that I haven't already said. The divorce of the marriage and the relationship was with their mother and me. How do you explain to your own child that Mommy could've cared less about Daddy when it came to what's really important in a How do you characterize someone who felt "the stuff" was what marriage was all about? What do you call their own child...who looked at their husband as "the bill-fairy?"

All I could offer is that people change, and feelings change. To try and find happiness, you first have to end one course of action, before you embark on a new one.

I'm not going to play their mother's games..!

mycin62 55F

7/24/2006 7:54 am

Hopefully, as they get older, they will see the truth with their own eyes and come around.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 10:57 am:
Thanks, Cin..!

docdirk 48M

7/24/2006 6:09 pm

I don't think there is any "winning" in this type of scenario. Either parent will, as you pointed out, taint the opinion of their children with stories both real, faricated and "enhanced" about the spouse who is not around to refute the tales or defend themselves. Even if they have no idea they are doing it. The uglier the divorce, the nastier the accusations.

I've had one real father and 5 steps. The stories I've been told about my bio-father made me hate him for years. Hate a man I'd barely known. Even if the obvious facts seemed to refute most of what I'd been told. Last I heard, my real father was sick and suddenly up and moved away from his home without warning. I'll probably never "meet" him, get to know him, or understand him.

I hope you are able to keep open the lines of communication with your children. You may - and probably will - have to wait them out. Let their emotions simmer down. Allow reason to take hold. (Or, like me, actually be introduced to reason.) Let them know where you are, and that they are welcomed at any time.

I'll shut up now!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 7/26/2006 11:05 am:
Thanks, doc..! They know exactly where I am, and even after this mini-disaster confrontation with my daughter, she knows that I'm not about to "sic the dogs" on her when she steps onto the property. AND, that Mrs. Prag isn't going to treat her like some form of viral fungus.

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