1 Week And Counting.....  

pragmaticCTcpl 63M/51F
3614 posts
5/19/2006 6:37 am

Last Read:
5/23/2006 9:29 am

1 Week And Counting.....

I'm turning the big 4-0 in a week. Some of you already know that I have extreme anxiety over this. Let me explain. Some of you may or may not understand.

My whole life I truly believed that I was going to die young. Growing up I always felt funny. A feeling of emptiness. I would say to my parents, "I wish I had a sister." Or once at Grand Central Station I looked up at the astrology signs ( finding my Gemini symbol) and saying, "I wish, I was a twin."

Well...I am...I was. My twin sister Ann passed away when we were babies and I always felt that God was going to correct his mistake and take me too. She was a victim of a Hospital fuck up. A nurse brought a dirty diaper into the nursery and my sister along with six other babies died. My sister was the first of us born and we each weighted 3 lbs each. She was "A" baby and I was "B" baby. Hence, our first names. She died of spinal meningitis. I know...I know...God doesn't make mistakes.

The other hidden fact is, I didn't learn of my sister or her death until I was sixteen. My mother and father had kept the secret from me, my whole life. It all came out when my Mother and I attended a family birthday party. This old family friend of my mom's had way too much to drink said, "So, you are the one that lived?" Shocked, I looked at my mother, who smiled and answered, "Aaa-aaa-aaa--aaa, she doesn't know." Then my mother looks at me and said, "Honey, you were a twin." With that, I ran out the door, into the streets, unable to breathe. Tears streaming from my face. Unable to think...unable to breathe...unable to comprehend the lies...the hurt..the loss.

Oh, but it gets even better....once my mother caught up to me, you want to know what her first and only concern was? Come on...take a guess?!

She wanted me to keep the fact that I now knew from my father...!!! I remember her saying, "Oh my, he is going to be so furious when he finds out, that you know. We mustn't tell him." I refused and demanded to know everything. Once home, my mother tip-toed up stairs and delivered the news to my father. He blew one of his many gaskets, that were so frequent and expected. He left that day for his 11pm-7am shift without ever saying anything more to me then, "Your mother told me that you know about your sister." I hated my parents that day. Yes, hate is a strong word and God forgive me, I hated them with every bone in my body.

I learned days later that my sister was buried in an unmarked grave in Bridgeport. My parents had her buried on top of some realitive that I never heard of or met. I wanted to buy a ground stone or do something so that her short but yet meaningful life would have some marking. I was told that, this wouldn't be possible. Due to family arguments within the family, that occured through the years...I would never be able to give this one thing to my dear sister. This only hurt more. I traveled to that cemetery only once. It still breaks my heart, as I tear up at the thought, after all these years.

So you see, I still have issues... part guilt, part grief, part anger, for her leaving me...to cope with our fucked up parents alone. I miss her so much even though I never knew her. She was still a part of me. Literally. I also struggle with the fact that I am here and she isn't.

I believe that the day will come when we will be reunited and I will be able to embrace her and tell her how much I love her and miss her. In time dear sister, in time. Till then, continue to watch over me.

rm_kneel_be4me 50M
457 posts
5/19/2006 9:25 am

Big hugs... we all feel for you... we cant know the loss you feel losing your sister, but take strength in those around you that love you.

I know the loss of a child, my first son died in childbirth. I couldnt Imagine reacting the way your parents did... I hope they have changed their hearts towards this... We had my son creamated and my other two children know what the urn is.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 8:41 am:
Thanks Kneel. I am very sorry to hear about your son. You have handled your loss the correct and healthy way. You haven't buried the memory like some "dirty little secret." I commend you for having the strength to deal with it. {=}

firestarter665 44M/40F

5/19/2006 9:29 am

Big hugs sweetie!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 8:42 am:
Thanks Fire.{=}

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
5/19/2006 11:42 am

~gentle hugs~ No wonder you have felt like something was missing all your life....it was....and it was your twin sister. I'm so sorry sweetie.....I don't know your parents or their reason behind it...and I know that it will be a hard one to forgive. But you are right in knowing that your twin has been with you and watching over you. And 40 will pass...and you will know that you still feel young, beautiful and loved by Mr Prag!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 8:49 am:
Thank you Angel. It is a loss that I often reflect on around my birthday. Sorry for being such a downer. I just felt a great need to share our story and to express my love for her. My parents couldn't deal with her death just like everything else in our family. If you didn't talk about it...it "the problem" didn't exist. Ann is my true Angel. {=}

mycin62 56F

5/19/2006 12:03 pm

Sweetie, I'm soooo sorry! Who knows why people do the things they do, your parents must have thought they had a good reason at the time.

I'm sure she IS watching over you!!!

Don't worry about turning 40 honey, the best is yet to CUM!

Happy B-day honey!!!

When's the party?

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 8:54 am:
Cin ~ I know that Ann is watching over me.....how else could I be so blessed to be where I am today. I am trying to be positive about this milestone. Thirty never affected me this way...!!! Thank you for your kind words. {=}

Party? Mr. Prag doesn't do birthday parties. That's all me. I'm the "social butterfly" of the house.

libgemOH 57M/53F

5/19/2006 5:34 pm

I guarantee she is watching over you and I also guarantee she is not that eager to see you just yet!!!

And again, don't forget, big freaky sis here is still gonna always TWO whole years older than you!!!

I love you! -B

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 8:57 am:
Okay sister....you win..!!! You will ALWAYS be older, prettier and freakier than me.{=}

NSAAddict 43F

5/20/2006 12:10 pm

My heart goes out to you hon, what an incredibly sad story, I can't imagine how you must feel bearing this loss, it's no wonder that birthdays are bittersweet events for you. Know that our loved ones never truly leave us and you're right she is watching over you. Hugs & Love, NSA

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 9:04 am:
NSA ~ I didn't mean to bring you down with this. I believe that she has watched over me, my whole life. Can you imagine it? Two of me? Thank you for your concern and kind words. {=}

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
5/20/2006 9:49 pm

That is a sad story. I just don't understand why a parent would keep that information from a child. When you were old enough to understand they should have told you. It's just the whole way you found out, and how it was dealt with, that was difficult too.
Happy Birthday...I turned 40 last year and it isn't so bad. Think of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for...a husband who truly loves you, your kids, and good friends. It's ok to be sad, but be happy to be alive and all the goodness you have in your life.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 9:07 am:
RT ~ No one could ever understand my parents...!!! Not even themselves..!! I am grateful for all I have and for all that is to come in life. Thank you for understanding that it is okay to be sad sometimes. For without the sadness, how would we ever know happiness? {=}

docdirk 49M

5/20/2006 10:20 pm

That is a stunning story... from every angle, from every possible view. The type of story that could never be a "movie of the week." No one would buy it. Real life is far more fucked up than Hollywood could ever imagine. Congrats on making 40!!! And may you make 40 more. Roger Daltrey was cool, but "Hope I die before I get old" loses something as we age!!!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/21/2006 9:12 am:
Doc ~ My whole life has been stranger than fiction..!! You are right...They couldn't write this shit in Hollywood!! I know that I'll get through this 40 thing...just takes some getting use to. Hopefully I someday can sing "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?"{=}

absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
5/21/2006 3:30 pm

((((Mrs. Prag))) Happy Birthday to you AND your sister. 40 is no biggie, just another day. It's all about how you feel inside

(I'm sure Mr.Prag thinks you feel great, inside and out!)

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/22/2006 9:23 am:
Thanks sweetie!!! People suxh as yourself...who I may never even meet ...yet make a connection with, helps me ....it's a definte reason I stick around...It sure isn't just sex in blogland...!! Here's to 40..!!! {=}

(Princess Lips)

5/22/2006 8:14 am

it's amazing what twin's know and feel...

sorry they kept it from you for so long, but you knew..in your heart and soul...

4- 0 isn't too bad- I survived it..barely...


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/22/2006 9:24 am:
RLP ~ Thank you for understanding. {=}

curvymeli 40F

5/22/2006 8:41 pm

Oh wow, my heart goes out to the searching teenager you once were, to find out something so important in such a way.

There's nothing much I can say but to let you know you've touched me this evening, much love...

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 5/23/2006 7:35 am:
Thank you, honey. Sending loving thoughts back your way...{=}

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