I lost you again  

playwithme00000 45F
173 posts
3/24/2006 3:20 pm

Last Read:
6/4/2006 1:42 pm

I lost you again

I guess we all fear some kind of losses and some we know are coming, and we ignore their presence. We ignore the possibility..we don't want to acknowledge that it is going to happen. But we know it will. We know, in truth we've already lost. . . someone or something. And probably worse a piece of ourselves. Our interdependency....I depended on you to offload on me and you did...

I lost you some time ago, though you only died 2 months ago today. When they asked at the funeral how it felt, I said that, they looked at me as though I didn't care. Didn't they realise you broke my heart, you took it apart bit by bit and sometimes I think you tested me further to see if I would break again, you needed to see me visibly crumble..and sometimes I did..but you didn't change or try to be different. You just cried too.

I have lost something, I might never get back. Was I lucky to have had only half my childhood with you? Was I? I think they think that I feel less because of that. I feel a fuck of a lot and sometimes, whole heaps of times I cant express it.. I just cant say. But you know it is like every bit of me is fragmented and all fragments are lost in their own little circles in their own little worlds.. come out of there. come out.

I have to end this post on something more positive, a friend asked me why I always try to do that, why do I in the depth of all this and all that has happened have to keeping shining a light, I guess I don't want to be like her. I don't want to shit on you from height or from close and leave you there to struggle from the weight of it. We can make it lighter together you know that don't you. And we will x

Play with me........

londongames 37M

3/26/2006 6:02 am

very touching post play
i have written a bit on light vs darkness.... it's something quite primordial about our inner souls that we just can't get away from.

Maybe all there is in this world is light and dark... And we are all in the middle of it, swaying back and forth, like a pendulum.


playwithme00000 45F
96 posts
3/26/2006 1:37 pm

Thank you for reading and responding!

Feels like a strange place to be putting this.. guess life is like that sometimes. In the strangest places you find something, and often something unexpected. Perhaps here I where I actually talk or exercise some of my truths.

Your blog and posts have been really interesting and taken all sorts of journeys. I hope they and the responses have given you something of what you need, crave or desire. You have given me alot too, probably without even realising it.

Your a star and I hope how you write and engage with others on this is how you engage with others and make your own work. If it is then you will bringing more light in dark spaces.. (Don't know if you remember pedro Al speach at the Oscars in the time of the war...)..but it seems to make sense to me..

Play with me........

longitude1961 56M

3/28/2006 2:12 pm

To be honest I've just been looking round the site to see what it is all about.

I was surprised and touched by what you wrote. Loss is difficult and we all feel it differently. Unfortunately it is a topic in which I feel i have had too much experience.

There is no right and wrong way. A cliche, but be true to yourself

take care

playwithme00000 45F
96 posts
3/29/2006 2:34 pm

Thanks for your post, very sweet of you to respond! Your first post an all!

I guess with losses, whatever they are, they leave space for something new. We make new possibilities. New friends and explore new (or old) ways through it all. Thanks for reading and am sorry to hear you've lost a lot too. Guess its down making more of what you have and what you would like in your life. Take care too.

Play with me........

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