Difficulties of Repetition  

pipercat2000 57M
225 posts
8/27/2006 7:34 pm

Last Read:
4/26/2007 7:59 am

Difficulties of Repetition

I have always wondered why I am who I am and how I got here. Since AdultFriendFinder is supposed to about sex I have decided to write about the first time. The only time in my life I was in love. Oh, I have been insanely infatuated with others but, I have been in love once. The proper definition of which is, where both parties are in love with each other at the same time.

We were young. Not old enough to vote and barely old enough to think for ourselves. I had seen pictures of her taken by common friends and thought how nice they were. Nothing more than that. We both attended the same type of events. Events that were large in size and attendance. It was at one of those events that we met in person. I can still see her face as if it were yesterday. A yesterday some 30 years past. She was in a group talking, listening and contributing to the small talk of the assembly. She was dressed exactly as she appeared in the pictures. I recognized her. Her head turned and her eyes met mine. A determined look transformed into beautiful smile as our eyes linked. To this day I truly believe it was love at first sight.

Puppy love? Perhaps, but in that singular instant the world stopped and time was meaningless. Nothing like it has happened since. We met and liked each other instantly. It was a pure love that was not burdened by past relationships and experience. Our time together was joyous and the outside was oblivious to our world, the world only her and I inhabited. But time still moves forward and our first meeting was long in experience but short in duration. I went home and so did she.

California is a big place. I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area and she lived in the middle of the Central Valley. We were still in school and although we had a summer together, the beat of the school year laid before us. Our visits grew farther apart. We had our last time together and it was the best of all our meetings. We cried together as I took her to the airport. It was to be our last rendezvous. The distance ended of the romance.

The letters stopped and the phone was dead. She disappeared. She no longer attended the events. It was if it was all a dream and never really happened. The world around grew dim. Devastation set in and my heart was dead for a long time. The next summer rolled around and time did its healing. My group of friends and I made our annual trip to Los Angeles to stay for a time. We went because it was a different place filled with different people. The memories had diminished but the embers remained. Just by chance, I was looking through some pictures with friends. Pictures of past events and other gatherings. I happened upon a picture of her. One of her and someone else. Devastation does not even describe the feelings I felt. I went through all the hurt as had before joined this time, by the anguish of betrayal.

Fast forward 2 years. I and along with three friends packed up and moved to Los Angeles. This time to stay. We were adults now but we still attended the same events. We had our bachelor house. A Hoodlum House. We were free at last. Unencumbered by parental supervision. It was an exciting time. We were young and I was free. We orchestrated huge parties. We enjoyed life as emancipated adults.

Sometime before the end of the year we attended another event. It was like all the others. We rekindled old friendships and experienced the immensity of it all. The multitude of faces both familiar and strange. Then out of nowhere, there she was. My heart stopped. I couldn’t believe what was in front of me. I pretended for an instant not to notice her. She noticed me. Called my name. Indecision set in on my part. I turned and looked and saw that same smile. I was captured again. We talked for a time and I told her I never stopped. We fell into an embrace and cried.

Explanations were exchanged and the only one that mattered was that her family had moved to another place. The others did not matter. Our love was like the phoenix born from the embers of pain and loss. We saw each other a few times more as she now lived in Los Angeles. It was at this time we finally consummated our love. She was my first love and my first woman. Looking back I would not change that for any reason. She will always have something of me that I could only give to someone once. She will always have a part of me. We were together longer than before. She had matured more in the time between than I had. She had been married and divorced. She cultivated a toughness that I still admire today. She fit in with all those Hoodlums, and moved in with us as well. Even to this day she is the only woman I have ever cohabitated with.

But we grew apart, naturally this time. We had followed two different paths and our aspirations became different. We ended our second love affair. This time as special friends. The type of friends that will always have a special place.

Fast forward again, this time 14 years later. I was back in Los Angeles. I had lost track of her many years earlier. One of my oldest friends said he bumped into her and gave me her number. I called her and we talked for hours. She married again and had kids. She lived in Arizona and seemed happy. I was doing ok at the time and told her so. My mood was melancholy after I hung up. Some time later I received a letter from her. A letter that seemed to want to rekindle the past. I read it and did not respond. We had our special place and time and it was enough for me. A few weeks later, I packed up and moved away to another place.

silverhawk762 52M/48F

8/27/2006 8:08 pm

From the female half: It's funny, the things that you remember when you read about someone else's first love... I still remember mine, and have wondered over the years how he's doing, where he is. Haven't really tried to find him, though. Not sure that I want to! I've been through too many changes recently...

Etherealbreeze 55F

8/30/2006 4:22 pm

Love is also needing to let go, when one or the other needs to follow a path. Love, true love is freedom. It's nice to know that you know the difference between two souls meeting together at the same time and the chaff we all go through. Not, that the chaff doesn't serve it's purpose. You are a real man/human being. And it was my pleasure to have shared your experience.


I am Roz , a rose that's ephemeral and rare. Yet always here! Hugz!

rm_KarmoHunny 56F
888 posts
9/4/2006 5:10 pm

Hey Piper,

What a wonderful and touching story! It would have been nice if you two could have made a life together. But then, maybe it wasn't meant to be like that. I understand about the pain of love lost. I don't think it really ever goes away. It hasn't for me anyway. Thanks for sharing this.


pipercat2000 57M

9/8/2006 11:42 am

Another personal history and a story that I have always wanted to tell. I started to get comments here from fellow bloggers. Another of my favorite posts. Diana is still with me, a part of my soul. I hope she is happy and well.

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