pickngrin17 47M
2 posts
5/15/2006 11:03 pm

Last Read:
5/18/2006 6:08 pm


So I'm sitting here on Mother's Day at 9:30 in the evening with a sack of ice nesting in my crotch, waiting for the swelling to die down, and I'm moved to reflect on the train of events that led to my current circumstances. I guess it all got started back when I joined AdultFriendFinder last weekend, but I'm sure the roots of my problem stretch all the way back to, oh, puberty.

I recently (well, six months ago) moved back to my hometown of Memphis, Tennessee from Washington, DC. I attended Georgetown University, and after graduation in May of '99 I stuck around to work for a few years. I bounced back & forth between Memphis & DC through 2004, then finally returned home for good in October of last year–at which point I immediately involved myself in a horrid relationship with a woman I was totally unsuited for, and which I only managed to claw my way out of this past March.

I decided to remain single for a while, but that got old after about two weeks. I took a trip back up to DC three weeks ago, and hooked up with a couple I've been intimate with for over three years–the sex was great, as it always is with these two people, and I had an epiphany of sorts: I would henceforth eschew committed, monotonous (sorry, monogamous) relationships with (invariably psychotic) women in favor of involving myself only with couples. It would be the best of both worlds: the couples would do all the hard & nasty work of maintaining a relationship, paying bills, fighting over the toothpaste cap & the toilet seat, and I would blow in for a bit of the fun stuff in the buff.

The more I considered it, the clearer it became that I'd struck real pay dirt this time. If you had asked me ten years ago who I'd rather have a threesome with, two women or a man/woman couple, I'd have replied "Two girls!" without a second thought. But having had a number of two women encounters (and don't get me wrong, I still love to have 'em!), I have come to the following realizations: first, I can only fuck one woman at time. That seems so basic, but in my excitement to stuff myself sexually I often forget that I only have one dick. Sure, two girls can go down on me at the same time, and that's always fun, but really there's only one thing going on at a time per person, with the exception of the one in the middle. Who tends to get a bit, ah, distracted.

Second, there is the porn aspect. Men are visual creatures, and most of us love good porn (even though we may be unwilling to admit it sometimes). Now what could be hotter than watching an excellent porn video–picture it, she's wet & dripping and he takes his dick and parts her cunt lips, and this is such good porn he's like Moses before the Red Sea, like a religious experience and they're so goddamn hot on the screen–and suddenly you step into the scene and she reaches over and takes your cock into her mouth. That's what a threesome is like with two men and a woman. It's like getting to watch good porn & be in it at the same time.

So back to the ice in my crotch. I decided to join AdultFriendFinder to find like-minded couples for play in Memphis, and it occurred to me that I should probably get some new photos taken. I had some pretty tame pics from my trip to DC three weeks back--me and two girls messing around in our unmentionables--but I wanted some serious ones of just me looking all buff & sexy & to die for. I had gotten both nipples pierced since the DC trip, plus I'm getting a new back piece (tattoo) started tomorrow evening, and I wanted the photos to reflect the new additions. While I'm at it, I thought (and here's where my trouble usually starts, in my thinking) I might as well get a Brazilian wax to better show off the package. I'd never had a wax before, but I thought, hey–I do piercings and tattoos in my sleep: how bad can the pain really be?

The answer is: considerable, but that's not why there's ice in my lap. It all happened like this: I called around town on Friday looking for an aesthetician (spelling?) willing to work on male genitalia, and that's where I got my first rude awakening--it's tricky to find a working girl willing to go down on a guys with a handful of hot wax, which you'd think would be just the opposite given how cathartic the experience must be for a woman. ("Those bastards, men," she thought as she swathed scathing wax over his balls--you know, that sort of thing.) The two I was able to locate charged exponentially higher than they did for a female Brazilian wax, and I made my choice in the time-honored American tradition: I chose the cheaper one. (In retrospect, this was probably mistake number two.)

I arrived at my appointment Saturday afternoon with my best friend, who also sings for my band and accompanies me to whatever body modification/torture ritual I'm currently into. I should have known something was up when they wouldn't let her come in back with me--I mean, she’d held my hand through tattoos, nipple piercings, etc., but suddenly she was persona non grata at the wax shop. "Not enough room in back," they said. My waxer-to-be, whom I will refer to here as "GODZILLA THE HUN" was a large, man-hating woman who had clearly found the right profession to vent her dissatisfactions with life. She led me into a room large enough to land small aircraft in, and noticed my eyebrows raising. "Store policy," she said, cutting me off, "nobody allowed in back but the victim. Client, I mean. Nobody but the client."

She advised me to remove all clothing from the waist down, then turned to her bubbling caldron which I had missed on the way in the door. "What's that?" I asked innocently, which she ignored as she cackled and stirred the thickly bubbling brew. I thought about running for the door, but she was one step ahead of me and blocked it with the caldron. "Lie down!" she barked, pointing at a splintery wooden table that rather resembled an 18th century rack, complete with ropes and stirrups.

"Where--there?" I quivered, but she picked me up with one hairy arm and thrust me onto the table.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but suffice it to say that it got worse. The ultimate indignity she saved for last, however. After suffering through having hot wax applied to my balls and ripped off, Godzilla had the audacity to command me to get on all fours on the table, grab a butt cheek in each hand, and spread 'em. As I balanced in this awkward position and listened to the sound of my butt hole sizzling under a layer of overheated wax, I thought to myself, "You know, I should be charging her for this..."

When it was all said & done I shot out of there without even bothering to examine her work–I figured, no stray hair, no matter how resolute or deeply rooted, have survived that assault. Well, several did, as I later discovered. My best friend was pointing that out back at her place when I began to itch. "Uh oh," I said, "I'm itching." "Yeah," she said, "that happens." "What!" I exclaimed. The whole reason I had opted for a wax was to avoid the redness, bumps, itching & irritation caused by shaving. But now, before my very eyes, each and every one of these symptoms was breaking out in my crotch.

"Here," she said, handing me a bottle of lotion, "don't be such a baby." I snatched the lotion out of her hand and squeezed a gooey blob of it onto my crotch and began to rub it in. That's when the fire broke out. Did you know that many lotions contain a small percentage of alcohol or other irritants? Yeah, well, neither did I. So she and her roommate (who was also in the room) bandaged me up and bundled me off to my house. We took advantage of my temporary inability to feel anything below the waist to tweeze off the remaining hair around my balls, and the girls left me whimpering on the couch with a sack of ice in my crotch.

"It'll reduce the swelling and help with the redness," they said.

And so here I am one day later, blotchy red and swollen in the crotch, waiting for the moment the swelling goes down & the color returns to normal so I can snap a photo and attach it to my profile at AdultFriendFinder dot com. So if any of you venture out on the site to find the fine photo of my member radiant in it's waxed and silky-smooth glory, I would ask that you take a moment to reflect on the steps that that were required to bring you this gem of an image. The pain and suffering necessitated in the presentation of a perfect package. If this is any indication of what it's going to take to make a success of my presence on this site, maybe I should have just stayed in the singles bars...

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
5/15/2006 11:39 pm

So, I guess a picture tonight is out of the question, eh? Sorry...I don't mean to make fun of your pain. But you told your story so well, that I couldn't help but laugh! Hope you are feeling better by now!

rm_kcguy717 58M
7 posts
5/16/2006 10:26 pm

You might try laser hair removal next time for that fun clean sexy look that the ladies love. Makes receiving oral fun.

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