Letting Go  

noordinarychic2 49F
510 posts
7/26/2006 8:54 pm
Letting Go

Today I let go....ok ok...i loosened my grip. lol I went to school...damn my stupidity at signing up for an 8 am chem class....what was I thinking??? The hardest part was break time...on any other given day i would have sent a text or an im or called "m"...that best friend I talk about way tooooo much...lol. Today I didn't. Instead I went through most of my day with this dull ache in my heart and a constant thought of "i hope he's ok"....let me interject that he's going through some tough things right now in his own life...this move being a huge huge issue...he's got lots of uncertainty swirling right now. Anway, around 2, he sent me a text...a simple sup? are u ok? ...i replied and he never answered (very unlike him)...Went to work tonight and i will admit to having to bit my lip at times to remind myself...your letting go...your letting go...lol...hell i caved around 9 30....bad idea...bad bad idea. Now, looking at our past and the way he usually acts towards me..this was one strange phone call...he didn't answer..actually he hung up on me without saying anything.....i waited a bit...and called back....he's in bed...upset...angry...about a lot of things and he just wants to be alone and asleep....and the last person he wanted to talk to....was me. me? the person that just last week he was telling he loved and was glad i was there and WE would get through...tonight he doesn't want to talk to me....he accused me of thinking everything was "always about me"?...i call to make sure he's ok and its "all about me?"...now granted there have been times when it has been "all about me"...and i know it...we've gone through things together that i know i forgot to remember that he was hurting too...and got so wrapped up in myself that i forgot about him. Everything I said tonight was taken wrong.I tell him i was worried because he never answers and he says "can't we go for 24 hrs without talking?"...uhm hello...who sent who a message? did he forget that?. He has become, over the last few days...actually since the night i reacted like a dumped girlfriend over his date...very very angry with me. So i told him i loved him, he would get through all of this mess, and that he knew where i would be. and to call me if he needed me....His response... ok..well i'm SURE i'll talk to you tomorrow-said in an almost dreading manner..at that point....i was getting a little pissed off. i wanted to reply.. "oh don't count on it" but instead i simply said "i hope so". I've sent him an email..telling him that i am here when he needs me and that i would always listen...that i knew i'd screwed up a bit over the last two weeks and been selfish and not looked at things from his perspective and that if he needed time to be alone...i didn't understand but i would accept it...and that when he wanted to talk i would be here. And tomorrow i'm going to just walk through my day..and if he needs me...he knows the number. he knows i care (the email) and so i will trust that God will take care of "m" for me and if the friendship was meant to endure...it will...silence can sometimes speak volumes....we both need some silence. Noc2

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