Long time no post  

nontoxicmale 65M
132 posts
7/26/2006 8:29 am

Last Read:
8/21/2006 10:23 am

Long time no post


I have been either busy or not feeling well over the last month or so and just haven't had the motivation to post. The political landscape seems to be of little interest here. I suppose that at a sex site, politics is not all that appropriate. Oh well. It was a nice try.

I have complained in the past that my libido was at a far higher level than that of my wife. I talked about how I love her so much but I felt I needed something more physically. I am starting to believe that maybe my dissatisfaction is larger than that. There are many uncomfortable distractions going on in my life now that involve both her children and mine (we were both married previously). Those distractions loom often in our conversation and certainly put a damper on our sexual desire when they come up. I fear that I am as much of a contributor to the lack of sexual activity between us. I allow the emotional situations to overwhelm me particularly if we have a disagreement. It saps my energy. When we are not together and my mind is able to wander and escape the immediacy of our situation, my sexual desire is restored and then I feel as though I'm sexually abandoned. The realization that I am the problem here is a real shot to the ego. I am the one who is going to have to fix this. It's time to stop blaming her and take responsibility for my own emotions. It is amazing how easy it is for me to see through other people's problems while being oblivious to my own. It is an ego thing. My ego does not want to accept that my perception of me is bullshit. If I desire a better sexual relationship with my wife, I need to be more attractive to her. If I am being dishonest with myself, then I am also being dishonest with her. How can that be attractive? How can that possibly engender greater desire in her? It can't!

moonlightphoenix 46F
6508 posts
7/26/2006 9:02 pm

NTM,

I've been ruminating on your post all day. It's so painfully honest. I've always respected, while questioning your perspective of your situation. I don't judge, but being a woman who's been in almost every circumstance one can be with in regards to a man, and being through hell and back in the recent past, I consider myself to be fairly insightful. Of course, I dont' know everything, and I certainly only know the few things you've shared of your situation. My heart has always gone out to you. Even more so now. To turn the mirror around and gaze deeply at yourself without armour, defense or rationalization is deeply admirable.

I am truly grateful to you for this post.


nontoxicmale 65M

7/27/2006 8:10 am

    Quoting moonlightphoenix:
    NTM,

    I've been ruminating on your post all day. It's so painfully honest. I've always respected, while questioning your perspective of your situation. I don't judge, but being a woman who's been in almost every circumstance one can be with in regards to a man, and being through hell and back in the recent past, I consider myself to be fairly insightful. Of course, I dont' know everything, and I certainly only know the few things you've shared of your situation. My heart has always gone out to you. Even more so now. To turn the mirror around and gaze deeply at yourself without armour, defense or rationalization is deeply admirable.

    I am truly grateful to you for this post.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Honesty is so important to making a relationship work. And I have not told her about some of my desires for fear that she would be appalled and I mught lose her. There are so many things about her that make me want to stay together. The hard part here is that I know that I am going to have to sacrifice some of my desires in order to make this work. And I am feeling terribly selfish in holding on to those desires. I knew when we married that there were certain behaviors that went against her whole being. I was willing to accept that then and made the committment to marriage. Now I am reeling in my own desires and allowing them to pull me away. This is not in any way her fault. But she will be the one who is deeply wounded if I continue entertaining these desires.


moonlightphoenix 46F
6508 posts
7/27/2006 10:11 am

First...I completely respect that you understand your situation and your wife FAR more than anyone else. I am completely talking through my hat here, and I acknowledge that.

BUT...


If I had a dime for every married man who has said the things you've just said, I could afford to take my kids to DisneyLand for 3 weeks out of every year. I don't buy it.

People change. What kind of chance does your wife have to accept you, to grow with you, to open up to you and bare her own soul, if you don't talk to her about these things?? I've always been the kid of person who would rather KNOW what's going on so I can deal with it, rather than NOT know and be blindsided later. And I'm REALLY talking from experience there. I don't know your wife, so I can't say. BUT she did marry you, and presumably it was with the understanding that she was ready to love you for who you are...warts and all.

How do you know she isn't going through changes of her own? That she's not holding things back from you?? That she isn't covering up her own feelings out of protection for you and fear of judgement and rejection as well??? I'm not saying she'd be into the things you want to experience, I'm saying maybe she's not quite as close minded as you think, or unwilling to discuss. She's married to you. She loves you. She WANTS to know everything about you, good, bad or indifferent. It's only natural. So many people sell their spouses short by assuming things based on past conversations, inferences and presumed perspectives.

All I can say is that you NEVER know until you communicate, and until you do, you are operating in the dark, courting disaster and selling yourselves short.

You are an amazing man, NTM...don't sell yourself so short.


nontoxicmale 65M

7/28/2006 11:55 am

Somehow dishonesty, whatever the window dressing is, does not speak of being amazing to me. I need to make the distinction for myself as to what is most important to me and be willing to stand by the decision. To date, I have not done that. Instead, I have found all sorts of reasons to rationalize my hidden agenda. I am not enjoying the view at all as I look inward. Fixing me is about separating fantasy and reality and prioritizing my life's desires and goals. If I am afraid of heights than I really need to reconsider being a skydiver. If I don't know how to swim a need to reconsider going scuba diving. If I don't know how to be honest and straight forward, I need to reconsider my marriage. The other options are to get over my fear of heights, learn to swim, and be the honest person that I long to be and long others to be with me. I feel like I am not fully expressing what I mean here.

There is no question in my mind that acts of infidelity would be totally devastating to my wife. The hurt and breach of trust would without a doubt destroy my marriage. So my desire for greater sexual experience needs to be geared toward my wife. I need to make myself more of the person that she desires so that joy and desire are enkindled in her. My energy needs to be in her direction and not away. I also need to separate the outside distractions from the intimacy of our relationship. It is totally unreasonable and unfair to put it all on her as I have. I believe I am fully capable of changing the way I think about things once I recognize what I have been doing. They say that the first step in fixing a problem is recognizing that the problem exists. Well, I see it now.


nontoxicmale 65M

7/28/2006 12:00 pm

My statement about the sacrifice of desires is a copout. It's a way of holding on to the desires and leaning the blame on her once again. When one works out in the gym, the goal is to improve physical health. One does not look at dieting and exercise as sacrifice but rather a necessity to achieve the goal. Casting off harmful desire is truly not a sacrifice if it is to achieve a healthy goal. Just because the drug addict desires another fix does not mean that it has to be a sacrifice to kick the habit.


LaPlaytogether 63M/63F

7/30/2006 4:39 pm

anyone can speak of self change but doing it takes the effort....
and some times being what the other person desires is not the answer in the least. In changing for their happiness, you can easily have to forget your own....
I have known you for months now, you are a wonderful, loving giving man. Do not change that ever please. Find someone that is more than over joyed to give back to you a life of less drama and hassle and all the love you desire.....


lustcurious42 57F

8/18/2006 2:24 pm

I notice this is an older post, I just stumbled upon your blog. But I like the honesty in this one, the self reflection, the love for your wife and the want to work on it. It would be interesting to see if things are changing for you?


nontoxicmale 65M

8/21/2006 10:23 am

I have not always acted in her best interest or my own. The only way to fix the situation is to begin with honest self reflection. That is not always pretty. My hope is that changes occur on both our parts. I know that it is her desire for things to work out. I think I need to be willing to work with her and not against her. Maybe fulfilling my own fantasies is more of a midlife crisis sort of thing than a legitimate breakdown in the relationship.


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