In my mind where sanity is on vacation  

nightstalker172 38M
1646 posts
6/21/2006 7:57 am

Last Read:
8/31/2006 5:23 am

In my mind where sanity is on vacation

I have no idea what this post will really be about. I thought perhaps writing just random things that pop in my head...because Im crazy...

For exsample...has anyone ever had a weird dream about getting wet...and then you wake up and have to pee?...I did the other was weird because I was being licked in the face by a pure black bull dog...I woke up and had to pee badly...but...I dont know ANYONE with a black bull dog...nor have I ever owned one...or even seen one lately...weird huh....

Ive been on this site now for oh...lets see...alittle over a year now...have met a few people online...have not really met anyone in person from here...though I admit I havent tried that hard to do so...I really cant exsplain why I came here or why I continue to stay...When I signed up for this website...I guess the first thought in my head was to hopefully meet someone quickly...almost like a rebound kind of person so to speak...Because you know the saying for guys when you get your heart broken they typically crawl into the bed of another woman very quickly as an odd way of dealing with the pain. Or to get your mind off of the woman who hurt you...As I explored this website I thought hmmm perhaps there is a fountain of knowledge that could be had from other peoples exsperiences...and of course knowledge is not something I could pass up. Met a few nice people with whom Ive chatted with both male and female...Ive had support from people Ive never met when I whine about that stupid woman that Ive made oh so many posts about...and people whove read my blog awhile know who Im talking about and if you're new here well...I care not explain it again...if you're intersted read past posts...

For awhile I even hated women in general. Because of what one did...but then when we are wronged by the opposite sex we tend to hate all members of that sex for awhile....Ive seen plenty of ladies hate men. But I think that loathing towards women has made me not really interested in dateing or meeting anyone....and Ive had oppertunities I just havent taken them...
granted not many...I dont pretend that Im a stud or anything Im not that conceded...I would be the first to say that Im not a stud anyway...but Ive always been more aggressive in seeking women when I was younger. Perhaps my sex drive was just so high back then....nah not hasnt changed its still pretty high...

When it comes to relationships I have been hurt more often than not...I think of all the ladies Ive dated I think I actaully only broke it off myself twice..all the others I was pretty much "let go" for someone apparently better. Has it left me jaded perhaps alittle...I think thats when I came to the realization that I wanted a friend and a lover not just one or the other...if I cant have both in one person then its a waste of time...I actaully had that once ALONG time ago and Ive never found it again...Ive looked but to no avail....Thought perhaps I found a good canidate for such a person but now...Her and I do not speak and havent seen eachother in hmm a month or 2 I forgot when I last bumped into HER...

I came here a broken man and I think being able to talk about it here has helped me and getting people opinions or thoughts about such situations has helped alot..with that said I thank you all for your aid.

So I sit here now...with my knee in shambles..and I realy dont have much to keep me busy...I have done alot of thinking about women and dateing and such...Everytime I do...Well yes...I think of HER...Still after all this time she haunts me...I have been able to keep myself with many projects going on and now that I pretty much cant do much now except vegetate until Im mind starts a running...and the first thing that often pops in my head is HER...

It has been what 2-3 years since our friendship desolved..since she pretty much rejected me...So why is it that Im retarded enough to still think about her...Some say that I should call her and get it over with others say that I should just let it go and walk away...I miss her but I avoid her as best I can if I bump into her I get away as fast as I can...When I see her Im filled with nothing but anger..but away from her I feel sad....You would think killing zombies would help ...or playing any kind of game for that matter...but no it doesnt..It seems inevitable that our paths will cross again...

Is fate trying to tell me something?...or like always just dangling a carrot and watching me reach for it but never actaully catching it all the while laughing at me because my suffereing is such amusment...Or perhaps she feels the same way and Im blinded by my anger and resentment for not just her but other women as well who've treated me badly or used me for their own selfish reasons...Perhaps I lump her in with the rest to quickly...She seems really be that way...but then...most women do play the injured victim...its the easiest way to manipulate people...and that is the delima...Most people I can read pretty well when I meet them but she is one of the few that throws me off...why is that? People say listen to my gut...but honestly I have no idea what my GUT is telling me...all I know is that its put in knots when Im around her...and few ever instill that kind of feeling in me...

Im not really one to give a second may be cynical of me but why give someone a second chance to hurt you if they have already done so....When wronged I admit Im the most ruthless and mean SOB to those who do the wronging...I find it hard to not be...but is my anger really justified or am I only makeing assumptions...I think that is where the confusion in me is....and its enough to drive anyone any rate...this is what happens when I start thinkinh

nightstalker172 38M
1258 posts
6/21/2006 6:03 pm

ohbaby - moveing on would be just forget she ever existed would be bliss...We treid to stay friends for about a year after that but it didnt work out....and right now Im only sitting here cuz I cant do much with my knee the way it video games is just to keep me not bored...I thought about putting links in this post for you but doesnt you said I need to move on regaurdless what happend or what she did or what I didnt do or whatever...I just cant help that when my mind if idle and I have nothing else to do I think of her and I dont know why...
Dealing with you say I dont know how I would go about that...see I stop myself from saying anything to her because I dont want to ruin the friendship between our families and this is why I havent spoken to her because I dont think I could do it rationaly...I would end up getting mad and sayign something I would regret I stop myself...normaly I wouldnt give arats ass but shes a friend of the family...its alittle more complicated...and it just feels like I cant ever see an end to it....know what I mean?

nightstalker172 38M
1258 posts
6/22/2006 2:36 pm

ohbaby - accepting the situation for what it is....ok what is the situation...Seeing her angers me because every time shes around she does nothing but rub in my face purposely or not that she doesnt like me...personaly I think the reasons she ever visited was to bitch piss and moan about whatever she could think of. She never really wanted to spend time with me as a FRIEND let alone anything else...Was I smitten with her perhaps...but I feel lied to and betrayed by her...I feel that she pretended to be my friend either because she needed a emotional outlet OR she pitied me and thought in her arrogance that she was doing me a FAVOR by being "nice" to me....Now exsplain to me what sane person would not be even just a little bit pissed off...and there in lies the problem....Im not one to forgive easily that much is true but Im also not one to fake a smile I dont like someone I dont pretend to like them...but the whole purpose of keeping my mouth shut is to not put ripples in the water so to speak...I knew it was a risk with even mentioning that I liked her...what if it didnt work out...the very worst our two families would no longer be friends and that is something I didnt want to be responsible for...but on the other hand what If I was passing something over that could have been thats when I voice how I felt...yes I got turned suck sucks even more when a "friend" turns you down because there is already that attachment...but this situation also leaves a gap so to speak...likes its least for me...I think thats why I cant move on as you say....Letting go of said anger would be nice but then its like they've won...all the people who Ive seen treat others badly and to let her get away with it feel like Im just letting her get the best of Im caught in a limbo...and it has taken its toll on me...but I let i because I dont want to ruin what the families have...If it was just me loseing a friend it would be such a big deal...but my family especailly my mother might lose a friend from it and I dont want it is my punishment I guess to deal with this...and I will NEVER go for a friend again....If you could really ever call her that anyway....but anyway I shouldnt have even mentioned her it was just a random thought and I couldnt help it...and now Im sitting here talking about it again and its not really helping me...I either get sad or pissed off one of the two...and I just want some peace damnit...but thanks for your thoughts its good to get an outside prespective...and everyone that Ive talked to has had something unique to add so...thank you...

MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
6/22/2006 3:34 pm

"For awhile I even hated women in general."

But we wonderful women you met in the advice lines and the blogs changed your mind about hating us in general. Right? RIGHT?

As you know, this not getting over her has been concerning me for a long time. I know we all heal at different rates, but three years is downright unhealthy.

It's time. Honest it is. When you have the opportunity, go on a date. Make small talk. Put yourself out there. Seriously, we have all been hurt. We all think we've found "the one" every time we're in love. We end up acting nutso because deep down we know that person is not "the one" but because we're in love, we ignore that fact. However, part of actually meeting "the one" is letting go of old hurt and opening yourself up again.

Will you be hurt again? Probably. Happens to most of us. But it's a chance we all take. For example, let me tell you a true story.

I have a friend who used to be on this site. Last year at one point, she was done with the men. Period. But especially the ones from this site. This guy wandered into chat and was taken by her immediately. Mind you, she never had a pic on her profile and the women with provocative pics couldn't even get his attention away from her. She didn't want anything to do with him, based on the experiences of the past few months. I insisted. I even went so far as to tell her, if she didn't talk to him, I was going to give him her phone number and address.

So, they talk. They go on a date. A week later, their profiles are turned off. She disappears from chat completely. Five months later, they moved in together. Last month, they got married.

What I'm trying to say is, before you start writing her love notes in the blood of your rivals, or leaving her cow hearts in velvet lined boxes with notes that say, "My heart belongs to you," move on. You never know who is out there.

nightstalker172 38M
1258 posts
6/22/2006 4:07 pm

missann - "Love notes in the blood of my rivals" I needed that laugh sigh...and yes some of you ladies are such a delight...and what can I say...Im slow...but Ill think about it...

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