Disgusted  

nightstalker172 38M
1646 posts
8/25/2006 12:30 pm

Last Read:
12/27/2006 7:58 am

Disgusted

I have had my share of relationships. Granted compared to alot of people on here I am a novice. I can count all the women Ive been with with my fingers alone. Which is not many. I have turned down a few women that I just shared no attraction to...but most of the time I get turned down...which should be exspected since its typically the guys who have to do the asking anyway. As far as AdultFriendFinder is conserned I hardly email any potentials...I guess because Id rather ask in person then type a form letter to someone Im interested in. I mainly use the blog for my rants and raves. Or whatever insanity that hits me at the moment.

Some of you might be wondering what the title of this post has anything to do with what Ive written so far. Well Im getting to that. I am disgusted with alot of things. But right now I am disgusted with the opposite sex. I have had few decent relationships were both of us were actaully happy in the relationship. In my naive years I got used alot. Its not so easy to do that anymore. I guess one would think that you might learn how to spot a user sooner and walk away to spare yourself the humiliation of being played like a fool. When wronged I do tend to hold a grude and do tend to seek vengeace in some way, shape, or form against the culprit.

I have turned down every single woman who has shown interest in me (which is very few to begin with) whether I was attracted to them or not. And for the past 3 1/2 years I have remained dateless by choice. I have not persued nor acknowleged anyone elses advances. I have flirted but thats just to be personable. I have rarely flirted and its typically only in repsonse to being flirted with. Which like I said is rare. So what exactly prompted this post?

I had a very wierd dream last night. Now I rarely remember my dreams but I remember this one pretty well compared to others. It was about HER (my loyal followers know who Im talking about but for those who dont she was a woman that I had been "Friends" with since highschool and I had become smitten with but was turned down and then treated like crap afterwards at least from my point a view but I wont get into that it would take to long) I remember a train station perhaps a subway. And there was a bench and she was sitting on it with another guy. A real nerdy looking guy, glasses, clean shaven stood about 5'9", scawny. A man I have never seen before in my life. I cant remember the entire conversation between the 3 of us but it was something about not kissing and not wanting to upset me or hurt me. I end up walking away and hearing thier laughter in the distance. Then my mom appears infront of me. and smacks me upside the head. She says something about god not giveing you everything that you have to fight for some things on your own. So I look back to see them kissing. So I run back extremely pissed off. I end up grabbing the guy and throwing him into the oncomeing train. He splats like a bug. She looks at me and says "its about time you did something" I slap her across the face and walk away. Thats all I could remember.

Now Ive thought about this girl alot the past 3 1/2 years but this is the first dream that Ive had of her that I remember. (Yes Ive never had a sex dream about her either. I know its wierd cuz back in the day I would have LOVED to trust me. Now though not so sure.) Anyway I woke up today with her on my mind. And it made me think about my relationships. And when I think about the prospect of dateing anyone I get disgusted because Im reminded of all the BS I have delt with in the past and am frankly quite tired of. I dont know...I think I have lost what little sanity I started with...When I think of HER its half and half....Part of me misses her. Part of me wants to tear her a new one.

Reguardless however this situation has stopped cold any prspect of a relationship with anyone else. Could some of it be bitterness?...perhaps...who knows...I have tried really hard not to mention her in my posts anymore. But today has started alittle off for me....

I am also disgusted with how god damn fat I am. I have been working out and my knee is feeling at about 85% now but I have given into my weakness and have been eating poorly...I think alot of it has to do with the above...I try to eat better but often will want junk food...I guess its a crutch...akin to a alcoholic drinking all the time because his life sucks. I have no one to blaim for my actions but me...its just a matter of giveing a shit about it...

Please as a request to anyone who posts...I dont need pity and Im not asking for it...if you have an opinion on what my dream might mean or other advice fine but no pity...I find pity insulting. Thank You.


NickRules999 40M
9464 posts
8/25/2006 4:44 pm

No pity here, dude. But I can relate.

Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?


MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
8/25/2006 5:08 pm

I agree with OhBaby. It is time to start dating again, I've told you that before. Of course if you do see her at a train station with some skinny dude, don't throw him in front of the train. I don't think they let you blog in jail.


velvetgrrrl 40F

8/25/2006 8:26 pm

Wow what an incredible dream Do you suppose to a degree youu almost use her as an example to base the "not wanting to date anyone" philosophy?

We all always look back to some relationship whebn we're thinking about someone new. All the what if's and past experiences haunt us. I would think this is your test. To see if you can overcome all these possibilities or if it may send you running in terror. At least when I self eval my own personal experiences I always return to the waht if situation of past years.

Someone told me when I'm happy with my self image no matter what my appearance that thers will find it beautiful too. hard to view when you have the remmanants of what your body has gone through. I totally realte with where you are coming from and am on a similar path. Just gotta keep on truckin its gotta happen

At some point for all of us

*much love and good vibes to you*

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


Hippink 36F  
4498 posts
8/26/2006 7:55 am

I think it's time you broke down that wall around yourself that protects you from rejection and/or disappointment. You're a good, intelligent, sweet, respectful, funny, guy who could be loved fiercely if you only let it happen.

Like OhBaby said, the nerdy guy is representing what you're afraid you'd have to be, to be loved. You have to be WEAK to be loved, vulnerable. You have to let down your guard and let someone in. You HATE that, because you're so afraid of being hurt. You'd rather avoid it altogther than be vulnerable to being hurt.

Well, ask yourself this:
Is it better to be alone and never loved? No sex, no anticipation & excitment about seeing someone, none of the lovey-dovey crap that guys pretend to hate...
Or would you rather take a chance, let your walls come down and experience what it's like to be loved?

There's plenty of people here who have never even met you, and we all think you're pretty likeable. Don't you think it's possible a woman who does meet you might actually like you?
I say, let her. Ditch the tough-guy act.
Hippie XXX

How to Get Laid on AFF The Basics
Have fun, play safe!


DIVISION77 41M
8337 posts
8/26/2006 1:42 pm

I don't agree with any of the former interpretations of your dream.

I think your dream is simply a sign that you need to reaffirm your instincts as a man to pursue the type of women that you find attractive, women that will work for you.

Remember, as a man you will do the majority of the pursuing thereby empowering yourself.

You essentially determine your own fate as it pertains to women.

You can either do this, or continue to wallow in self-pity, spurning all advances from women because of your own latent insecurities.

I think you know deep down what you need to do.

A part of you is fearful of rejection, but as a man that is part of the game.

Go after what you want and forget about failure.

Often it is a man's drive and self-confidence that attracts a woman, even if she says no, she will remember that and she might change her mind.

You are at a crossroads, between what you were and what you will be.

It's time for you to stand up and be what you are.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


nightstalker172 38M
1258 posts
8/27/2006 3:05 pm

ohbaby - Well thats interesting...makes alot of sense I guess..too bad these kind of things cant be clearer though...I really cant think of anything to really say...so far you'rs has made the most sense I guess...even if it seem a bit overcomplicated...but then the mind is far from simple either..

Nick - We should start a club

Missann - take away my fun

velvet - Honesty I dont have anyone else in mind really...I dont know if shes an exsample but more a plague...She on my mind often for some reason...and when I visit with my family I often bump into members of hers its very frustrating..(note to self to not start liking a friend of the family)

When you face the truth about how things are and how the world is...its hard to be happy at all...

Hippie - I cant say its a tough guy act...I think its more of get away from me you are all the same act...Im extremly cold to people I dont like and very welcomeing to people I do...I just choose more carefully than I used to...too carefully perhaps..Is it better to be alone...no its not...it sucks...but why should I roll over and exspose my belly so to speak...When a person PROVES to be trustworthy then I will think about it...until then they get nothing.

Div - I like your answers straight to the point and clean cut...but I have never been affraid of rejection...tired of the game perhaps but never affraid...you dont get anywere if you are affriad to...I know and I have never been affraid...too angery to approach perhaps not not affraid to approach...if that makes sense...


themisskrissy 57F
2302 posts
8/29/2006 10:25 pm

i agree with oh baby too.... i see your dream as an indication it is time to change.... move forward.... the past is ready to be just that and the future is waiting.... while reading your psot i felt a deep sense of getting free of the ghost that has haunted you....

as to the weight problem... you can always begin anew when you are ready...

rise up rise up!

hugs.....
k

Virtue Alone Ennobles


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