A somber note....  

newfornow22 34F
270 posts
2/16/2006 3:37 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A somber note....

Well, for all those listaning in, I am sorry this will not be a chipper uplifting hug the world and hug yourself blog today.
I am possibly doing the worse any of you have seen yet.
I could take the Lydia thing, could take my ex being cruel on my first lonely Valentines Day, I could take my grandfathers death a few days after Christmas, and my grandmother selling the farm i grew up on as a child. I could take my dad not calling me in 2 years and even the messy divorce I went through, the loss of my marriage, but the straw that has broken the camels preverbial back is the very thing I should have been protecting my self from and preparing myself for for months and years. The thing I told god I could not lose and to please if he was any sort of god at all please not take from me yet. My brother.
He's 16 months older, and so very much my best friend and a solid sorce of comfort and strength through my life, when i was in times of darkness. I do not think I can go on with out him, though I know that is what I say now, and like I always say, just because the heart is broken doesnt mean that it stops beating. Even though some times, when it hurts too bad, you wish it would.
He has AIDS, he's dying, and I have known it for a long time. I have just not been able to face it, I did not view death as an option. It just was not going to happen. I thought, for some foolish reason that I could fix him, protect him, keep him always. In a perfect world, love would be enough.
............ But my friends, love is not enough. And regarless how much I love him, he will still never see his 30th birthday, it will be on borrowed time if he even gets to see his 25th.
And I have to say, I feel cheated. And feel a cold stabbing of the finality of death. The inablity to have the power to fix this is a defening blow. The loss of control is staggering for me. I feel a terrible... severing. Like a peice of me is being torn away.
My brother collapsed at 5:30, I was alone in the house with him and I heard what could only be a body hitting the floor upstairs. I am used to picking him up and getting him into bed, checking blood sugars and heart beats and monitoring breathing and pupils for at least an hour after he falls like that, but this time... this time it was differant. He had a massive seizure,I hurried to move things out of his way, and when the convulsions stopped I got on the floor and held him blood was coming out of one ear,and his eyes rolled back. I just held him in my arms, all 120 lbs of his 6'3 body. I've never been so scared, and I prayed and begged god to let him stay with me. I called an ambulance with my cell phone, never letting go of him, and tried to talk to him, keep him at least untill help came. He had another seizure in my arms and I struggled to hang on to him and I soaked his shirt with my tears when it was over.
I didn't want the emt guys coming in and finding him like he was because he had lost control of his bladder and bowels and I didnt wan't him imbarrassed, but I just couldn't bring myself to let go of him, not even for a second. I didnt know if those seconds would be the last time I had him alive. The rest of the night was a blur, the doctors told me he had suffered a stroke as well as the massive seizure. There are more tests to be ran. But right now, his recovery looks poor.
He is aware now and awake for little bits here and there, and he is scared. Possibly he'll come home soon, and It will be full time plus for me to take care of him. And honesly folks, I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if I can watch this slow dying. But I do know, that I can't leave him either.Regardless of the doubts I have about my stregnth and ability to see this through.
I would very much appriciate any kind or positive thoughts or prayers if you are the praying type sent in my direction, because, i honestly need them right now.
And I can't thank you enough for just listening. If I get behind on my blogging or if I am inconciderate with my response to emails, maybe you could, ya know, just cut me a little slack too. Thanks guys

rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
2/16/2006 4:04 am

I will be thinking of you and will say prayers for your brother.

Purry {=}


rm_bucfannn 62M/61F
2110 posts
2/16/2006 4:10 am


You are in my thoughts and prayers...


julie4daddy34 46F
599 posts
2/16/2006 4:31 am

Wow..I have to say your post gave me cold chills and brought a tear to my eye. It takes a very special person to be able to take care of someone who is sick full time. I firmly believe that one will be rewarded somewhere down the road for everything they give to help another. I certainly cant say that I know how you feel because I dont and I honestly hope that I never do, but I do commend you very highly. Perhaps some sort of hospice or something could help? You said that your not sure if you can handle it and continue doing what you've been doing, but if you re-read your words, you've already shown you DO have the strength. I do wish you the very best.

newfornow22 34F

2/16/2006 6:26 am

thanks ya'll, what more could i possibly say?

allaboutass2006 44M
29 posts
2/16/2006 7:03 am

You and your brother will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are so much stronger than you know and the strength, courage and love you are showing your brother is an inspiration to us all. God bless.


flashfire341 37M
1 post
2/16/2006 9:21 am

very sorry for what has happened,if there is something that i can do feel free to alert me. just got on to AdultFriendFinder for the first time and read this devistating message. Always looking to help. AdultFriendFinder

rm_spydr1222 58M

2/16/2006 9:30 am

i will say a prayer to

Guy1378Fox 47M

2/16/2006 10:25 am

I am sorry to hear about your brother. It makes me think of my sister. She has cancer. It started with her thyroid and spread form there to her brain and lungs. My understanding is they have treated as much as they can, even with experimental treatments. She had one of the most advanced cases of cancer for anyone her age. Several years ago, the doctors predicted that she has less than ten years to live. Though, I would not be surprised if she proves them wrong. She has a very positive attitude. I tend to forget about the cancer because she does enjoy life so much. Hearing about your brother reminds me about it, and it scares me to think of losing her. She is the family member that I am closest to, and has been long before she was diagnosed with cancer. I wish there was something I could do to help you and your brother. I know he means a lot to you.

SpunkNLace 48F

2/16/2006 3:27 pm

You will find the strength within you and put your fears aside for your love will take over just as it did while you held in in your arms.

The love between siblings is so different from other loves , you are there because there is no other place to be.

I pray for your Brother and for Your strength and may God bless you both.


rm_mustang65695 59M
54 posts
2/16/2006 7:27 pm

I some what know what you are going through, my father who I was very close to died of cancer, in the final weeks it was difficult to see him just wither away. At times I didn't want to be there because I didn't want to remember him that way but I stayed with him and was with him until his last breath. Afterwards I was glad I did and now am at peace about it. I know you are strong enough to be with him and you will be glad you did after he has gone to a better place.

newfornow22 34F

2/17/2006 2:14 am

damn.... thanks ya'll
so much

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