Are We Tired of Drama Yet???  

ThumbChickStool 34F
541 posts
7/27/2006 9:30 pm

Last Read:
11/25/2006 2:01 pm

Are We Tired of Drama Yet???

Update: I'm staying with my grandparents. They live in North Ridge, California. The bus trip here used up the last of my money and took 6 hours. Thank God the baby slept most of the trip. Her older sister kept sitting the wrong way and was flashing her pretty Princess panties. My son just stared out the window the whole time. I was hoping they'd sleep, but she only slept an hour and a half. At least the little man slept for two hours. Of course, this was at the very beginning of the trip. I did pack snacks though, so at least they weren't whiny. And I have to give my kids some credit, they weren't running up and down the aisles or screaming incessantly. Miss N kept using the bathroom as an excuse to get up. Good thing I didn't take too many drinks!

Cali's nice. I hate humidity though. Give me dry heat any day! And apparently they've been having hell of a heat wave. Kinda funny, since Vegas has actually been cooler than what it should be for this time of year. I'm hoping that while I'm here I can manage to go to Knott's Berry Farm with the kids. Or Universal Studios. I would prefer to be doing this as a family vacation, but Rick obviously feels that Joshua is more deserving of his attention than our kids.

Speaking of Rick, I'm filing for divorce. I put it off before because he said that he wanted us back, but now both of us are being stubborn. He told me to file the paper work and to ask for full custody of the kids. He won't fight it. He'll sign off on the paper. He says it's to make things easier for me in regards to the kids. That way I don't need his permission to do stuff with the kids, and so that if I make a decision regarding the kids, we don't need to agree about it (like we're agreeing on shit now!). It kinda feels like he doesn't care too me. Like he doesn't want or love us as much as he says he does. He doesn't even fucking call when he says he will, or even write me a damned email. I'm tired of being the one to make first contact. And that's one of the things he could have changed to prove that he really wanted us back. He also says that if he comes to Vegas, and if I still care for him, we can try again later. I love him now, but I'm not going to keep feeling that way indefinately. Shit, I might not even love him a few months from now. And he doesn't know how long he needs to stay involved with Joshua to prove to the court that he really wants to be a part of his life.

The sad turth, I really resent this kid. I know he didn't ask for all this shit, but I really do. He's living proof that Rick fucked up not only once while we were together, but at least three times. And I just can't get over that. I also am completely turned off and nauseated when I think about hugging, kissing, or even having sex with Rick just because in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about his doing the same stuff with Julie. If I can't get over that, there is no way this relationship is going to work. And Rick was right about one thing: therapy isn't going to work. I know the therapist is going to say to let go of the past and don't bring it up, but how the fuck do I do that when it's constantly in the back of my mind? As much as I want to be with Rick, as much as I miss the little shit, I can't get over either one of those things.

So now the time has come that will test my strength and my mettle. Can I do things on my own? Or is my new-found resolve and desire for independence going to fall apart at the first sign of hardship? I'd much rather he decide that life is more worthwhile here than there and come back to me, than my crawling back to him because things are too hard. Because then I would know that he really missed us.

SingleWarrior 53M

7/27/2006 10:17 pm

I truly hope, that if divorceis the last resort, that you do have an amicable one.

Mine was a total friggin' disaster.

Ana_6973 44F

7/27/2006 10:30 pm

I'd say so far your newfound resolve and independence have already suffered some hardships and you're still trying. No one ever said life was easy but at least you have your beautiful children with you. (Btw, your youngest was born on my birthday. Lol.) You do what you need to do to make yourself happy and keep those kids safe and healthy. Obviously your husband has some growing up to do and reality has not caught up with him yet. Think of this one way, if divorce is the way you go, as a single woman with children you have all sorts of assistance available to you to improve your life. Find something you want to do and take advantage of some financial assistance for school. Show your husband the child what a grown woman is like. And watch him suffer as he realizes what he lost.
With three kids, it will be tough but hey, what doesn't break us only makes us stronger. Trust me, you'll be better off without him if this is the choice he has made.

~~"I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can't claim innocence."~~

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