another day..loooking for fun...  

mcsusieg 50F
149 posts
1/20/2006 4:00 pm

Last Read:
3/7/2006 3:13 pm

another day..loooking for fun...

Things I am not ‒
I am not too sensitive; I am not too affectionate, too kind, too naive, too messy, too immature, too sexual, too silly, too nerdy, too uncoordinated, too talkative, too open, too in the moment. I do show respect and attention to those in my life, I do compliment and take care of those around me. I hate to argue or over discuss things but I will, I am not over in the moment.

I am over weight and smoke ‒ and am probably on the declining side of physically average in attraction. But I am me ‒ apparently too much for some and too little for others. So be it.

Lets face it … I meet people who have no real interest in knowing or learning about me … some have been dishonest, … Been conniving in their pursuit and deceptive with their intent… or simply have been hurtful …all in an attempt to get their own needs met. And I am willing to keep rolling with things and enjoying each day ‒ but only as long as it adds to my life not makes it harder.

Shock collars man ‒ shock collars ‒ the whole world needs shock collars - bend the world to do what, and how, I want, and when I want ‒ in every aspect of my life …. Goodness. Whatever your feeling about organize religion ‒ what ever your belief system ‒ I do think that it is less egocentric than therapy in helping you to deal with issues. To decipher the good from the bad…

It really…not just another cliché- but life really is about the journey not the destination ‒ BLECH ‒ I know this to be true ‒ but am still overwhelmed by the experience of living.

While I have much work to do, work on myself, I know that I am fairly ok.

That fucking dark room ‒ many ways out ‒ and I can’t find one ‒ no oxygen... I can’t breath any more…my eyes are watering uncontrollably, I am shaking, I feel that sense of panic… I can feel it…I have to get out ‒ I know I can…God Help…Why am I so lost…I can’t breath, I can’t feel ‒ my skin is on fire….my lungs burn, my eyes.. so much water…I need to get out ‒ I can make it if I can just get out -

Yeah about the journey not the destination ‒ unless there is a house fire…then it is about getting OUT!

I first started dreaming of the choking smoke and the room with doors, the doors to safety that I could not find when I was about 9, maybe younger ‒ there were other things going on… and have had it when I feel trapped or attacked , or well ...I dunno’… I have had bad bouts with it over the years. When I was nine… that was when I learned adults did not always protect children…that some had no caring for their responsibility. Anyhew ‒
that dream ‒ FUCK! It started again ‒ last Fall -0 right around Halloween ‒ I knew, I knew it was bad ‒ I knew I was walking into a room I could not get out of … and I did it anyway… I tried to say something ‒ to tell someone...How do you tell someone…I am 38 now…how do I say…listen I have this dream… this feeling .. ‒ I think something is wrong. See I didn’t have this dream during my marriage or divorce… so it isn’t consistent…

I need to be careful to only be around people that make me feel good about me …Not surround myself with people that make me feel incomplete, or that make me feel like I am only the sum total of my short comings…. I WILL be sure I am being treated in a way that makes me feel good, not bad, about me.

Once again ‒ ALL over the place ‒ journal …several days combined…

mcsusieg 50F
56 posts
2/6/2006 6:40 am

thank you ...dear, sweat men. I truely did not mean to sound so ...i dunno' it is more about affirmation...sorting it all out with words. Just finding my path...being that warrior...

And thank you sir ABetterMan...i have so enjoyed meeting you, and look forward to it each time!!!!

ABetterMan4u2 62M
8 posts
2/5/2006 9:57 pm

I hope that you were only having a bad day when you wrote this post.

It seems to be difficult, at least for men, to really meet many people on this site. But like anyplace else (bars, work, clubs,etc), there are some that you click with and some that you don't, and others that are just always in the background. I think that here there is a greater degree of honesty in what we are looking for, but for myself, if a relationship developed with someone I met here, that would be a bonus.

That's why I have found going to the meet & greets or other functions have been the best way to get to meet people. Most of whom, you and I for instance, would never connect online. From the first M&G I attended, I have noticed that you go out of your way to welcome everyone and light up the room with your smile and personality. I have truly enjoyed meeting you and talking to you.

Hang in there.

UrFuckBud 62M
328 posts
2/1/2006 2:17 pm


Love yourself. Don't put up with put downs.

Let others know if they've done something to put off a bit.
If they don't want to talk about it or respect your wishes, they don't need to be a part of your life. (family excepted)

Lower your expectations of why you're here.

You're just meeting people. That's all. Make the goal meeting them face to face as soon as possible. Don't let the first meeting go beyond conversation. A drink or a cup of coffee and a few laughs are the goal. Don't just talk about the fun things, see if they can handle the real you, right away. Get a thicker skin.

If you're meeting a guy alone. Insist that he show you his ID and let you make a phone call to a friend. Now you can relax.

It may take meeting 12 to 100 people to find a real friend.

After a very nasty divorce over 10 years ago, a housemate turned me on to the strangest book. 'How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams'. I thought it was strange and not entirely true in its outlook. But it had some GREAT tips on understanding that, in addition to pet peeves that you can't live with, you have personal affirmations that you won't live without. Figure out your biggest 3 to 5 of each and try to eliminate people at your first face to face. If they aren't eliminated, they could become a life long friend. And they know that sex is important to you.

And don't put up with dishonesty. Ever.

That makes all this bull shit worth it.

I've made four life long friends by pursuing an open and honest lifestyle in ten years. I married one of them. Met them at different sources, but looks like we've met another couple who are going to be friends like that.

Geez. Sorry about the soap box.
Keep your chin up.

col975 51M
328 posts
1/23/2006 6:38 am

Interesting Post you have. I have read another post generally the same from another blogger I like to read.

I think this site could be misleadng if a person wants to find a relationship on here. I feel it is geared towards sexual relationships (but not emotional ones). I think the site would loose money if people would come on here, find a relationship and leave. Since it is geared that way I think the men come here with a expecitation that the women are loose so they can throw the line out to catch one. And if it does not mee the requirement then recast.

Now the shock collars would be a little extreme because you would enver take your hand off the shock button. All of us want someone to do exactly we want but that would not make us 'individuals' then but more like sheep (ohhhh shheeepppp). But I digress. Do not accept second best, becuase everyone should get what they want. But people should understand that one not perfect part usually makes another part even better.

I have a simiilar dream you have that scares me. I run out of beer and cannot find any more LOL. I am joking about an serious challange you are having becuase I have no thoughts of wisdom for it. I guess if anyting it is small steps. Running towards a 'solution' and a person could just keep on hitting walls before a door is found. Walking towards a door could take longer but you can get out.

I hope all goes well for you.

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