Freedom and doing what's right for you  

masterstouch52 64M
5 posts
8/5/2006 6:37 am
Freedom and doing what's right for you

I've had quite the summer I must admit. After 14 long years of living the nice life, and sublimating my inner desires and somewhat kinky nature, I've taken the bull by the horns and let the genie out of the bottle with my life partner.

I posted this earlier, but wanted to move it up again - it is where I am now in my Journey - much further along than I was when I wrote "My secrets" awhile ago. I'm busy with work, so my writing efforts are going elsewhere...but this is where my head is at the moment.

My spouse and I have spoken from time to time about the things that work and don't work in our relationship - she's a very nice person, a great mom - but she's wound too tight for me. A controlled person who seeks to control everything - and I've been resisting that control for many many years.

It's been frustrating in the extreme - more so for me because I didn't have the strength or will to confront this head-on - until this summer.

When she refused my offer to see a professional about our relationship problems, I finally did something for myself...I had a months-long fling with my fetish-mistress ex-lover - a secret, wild ride that temporarily satisfied my pent-up sexual desires and opened so many doors I'd kept closed for so long.

It ended - partly because my values said it was wrong to do this behind my partner's back, but also because I knew it was time to bring these desires out of the shadows and live them the way I wanted to - out in the open.

And so, over the past few months, I've brought up the subject of fantasies and relationships and desires with my partner. Without much effect I have to admit - we really are in very different head spaces, she and I.

An argument in June finally brought things to a head - and without really getting to the crux of the matter, I let the separation genie out of the bottle.

Three weeks passed without a response - I don't want to talk, she said.

Where are you going? Who are you with? What are you doing today? The questions and probing came in a torrent, and the tensions mounted as I sometimes relented and gave in to her scrutiny, and other times stiffened my resolve - to live the life I want.

And so, one Sunday night at midnight, she said she wanted to talk. There are very important things in play here - she said. Oh yes, more than you know I replied. And through that conversation of our own wants and desires, I outed myself as a kinkster, and told her I'd had an affair with a fetish mistress.

Finally! It was out in the open! No need to hold my breath, no need to keep all these things bottle up inside any more.

Well, a lot of the details will remain my secret I suppose. My partner is very straight, and naive about life - it's a lot to process - and this dichotomy of our personalities is really at the core of our problems as a couple.

We've been to a marriage therapist three times since June - who is now on vacation 'till the end of August! It's a little strange at home right now, because we're tip-toeing around each other,and going out on our own as we prepare to resume our separate lives. But it's been good to speak from the heart in a safe spouse now knows exactly how I feel, and I understand where she's coming from....vastly different places it would appear.

I'm looking for my own place now, which will be quite the change. Ah freedom - at a price of course, but hopefully a price that will eventually be easy to live with.

And so, we'll see how things play out... I'm determined to life my life the way I need to - but hopefully minimizing the hurt, and the impact on my family - but impact it will, and hopefully we'll manage this right.

Luckily I have some models to follow - friends who've had successful separations, who've managed somehow to stay the course as good parents while navigating the rough waters of going their separate ways.

I am who I am after all - it's not in me to enable somebody else's life-narrative anymore. And I've been around long enough to look back on my life and take stock... it's not some linear ride to eventual decrepitude - it has hills and valleys and long plateaus too, and chapters to be wrapped up as part of life experience...

My own story is waiting to be told...and lived. Hopefully that true soulmate is waiting in the wings, ready to join me in living this journey of mine...

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