My Beautiful Man........  

marywannado 44F
1776 posts
7/20/2006 1:28 pm

Last Read:
7/30/2006 9:40 am

My Beautiful Man........

Sorry, I've been negelecting my little blog the past couple days, I thought I'd share a bit about my life with ya...

I've been with the greatest guy in the world for 18 years this fall, we met at a halloween party at one of my friends house. It was love at first site for me, instantly I knew we were meant to be together, this never happened to me before out of any guys I've been with either. I was a wild child from the age of 11/12. I hated my home life, I was always running away, partying, smokin cigs, and indulging in a little pot here and there. I think I really hated myself back then. Then at my friends one nite, bamn, he walks through the door, and in an instant I was hooked. He was so sweet and shy, words just can't explain how I felt. After that, we did everything together, we were hardly ever apart, I felt like we were one instead of two.

After about 1 year, I started to feel strange, like we were goin way too fast and getting way too attached. So many times before when I got close to someone, they either died or just went away. I didn't think my heart could take getting torn in two again, I didn't want that to happen to us. I thought I better get out now, so I did the only thing I knew how,, I cheated on him and crushed him before he could crush me. I cried the whole time, not feeling right about what I was doing, deep down in my heart I knew this was probably gonna be a horrible mistake though.

Afterwards, all I could think about was my baby... what did I do?? I missed him so much, I hurt so bad like a knife was slicing through my heart all the time. Sure, he still came around, he brought me gifts, told me he missed me... I thought I better get my shit together before I lose him forever. I told him about how I felt and we got back together. When I was 16, we had our first baby, then when I was 20 we had our other son. I loved my little family so much. During these years together, we partied pretty hard, I also started to get left home more and more by myself. He'd tell me he'd be back, he was goin to get some friends, then he'd never come home for forever, when he did he was already pretty boozed. My paranoid half started to kick in,, Is he finally sick of me?? Does he want me gone?? Did he find someone else out there?? I pushed the thoughts aside.

A while later, we had another party, we had a bunch of friends at our place, a bunch of booze, and a variety of a few drugs. Nothing real bad, just a little white stuff, some shrooms, and alot of pot. We were havin a blast, then what happens?? He's gotta go somewhere with all his buddies, I got so upset, I started to cry, his one buddy said he'd stay with me, so they all left. So, we hung out, listened to some music, drank some more, did some more drugs, we was gettin pretty messed up. Then I started to cry again, I just wanted to be havin fun with my baby. Then his buddy starts to tell me I shouldn't trust my man,supposedly my man told him he's always lookin for women to pick up, said he's always playin me for a sucker. He said I didn't deserve it, I was very beautiful, yadda yadda... Next thing I know he starts to kiss and hug on me, and yes that is all that happened. Then I hear the door open and here come's my man, mad as hell.

Later he told me how could I think all that shit, he loved only me and would never ever cheat on me. It's only natural that he don't trust me I guess. I can't really blame him...So over the years, we quit partying as much as we used to and try to hang out with each other more. I've made him so leary about what I do though, I know he still don't quite trust me. I tend to tell little lies just so he don't freak out, like I'll be goin somewhere and then I might stop someplace, but when I get home I tend to leave that part out but then he usually finds out and he's even more upset with me. I know I should just tell him right off the bat, but I know he'll just think I was doin something else and I don't wanna worry him. So,as of this day, I'm makin an oath to myself on my grandfathers grave that from now on I promise not to leave stuff out and to tell him the truth from now on. I guess the rest will be up to him. I really don't wanna lose him cuz I don't feel I can't tell him things, shit, through our life together, we've always talked and shared everything that went on. I just want it to be like that again, he's my heart, my whole world, my lover, my friend, my true soulmate...

I love him so damn much... 'love is no secrets and only the truth'... I think I better wisen up and listen to those words...

He's the most beautiful person I know...

loadeddice05 45M

7/20/2006 5:28 pm

Sounds disfuntional?? Not to be blunt but??? If he isn't returning your feelings?? Maybe it's time to get out????

2943 posts
7/20/2006 5:48 pm

The only way he is ever going to trust you fully is total honesty...
you have to earn his total trust back. Sounds like you two have a once in a liftime blessing so it's worth in him to trust in you.


marywannado 44F

7/20/2006 7:08 pm

I hope he will read this,, he was definitely my first true love...

marywannado 44F

7/20/2006 7:10 pm

Thanks for stoppin in...

marywannado 44F

7/20/2006 7:11 pm

He returns it more than ever... thanks for stoppin in...

marywannado 44F

7/20/2006 7:13 pm

I got alot of earnin to do, I better get busy huh? Thanks for stoppin in...

strongelk2006 54M

7/20/2006 7:55 pm

I know how you feel about your guy,,,I felt that way about my,,,exwife,,,yeah I know I'm with pickles now. You have to understand that I still have strong feeling for my exwife,,we have two boys together and I will alway have those feeling for her. As I said I know those feeling ooh to well.

peace,,,,,,,,,,,coolness............."Naked Boy"


Sweetpickles69 49F

7/21/2006 7:25 am

You & him are so lucky! I thought I'd found love so many times, but I always seem to be mistaken.


marywannado 44F

7/21/2006 4:22 pm

Thanks for droppin by again... ain't love grand...

marywannado 44F

7/21/2006 4:23 pm

I hope I'm lucky... ya never know...

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