Squirrels and Hamsters  

macayne 32M
1 posts
6/2/2006 5:21 pm
Squirrels and Hamsters

I was bored at work and decided to write you all a story from one of my childhood memories. Enjoy!

When I was young I thought I could to anything.

Fly, beat up people much bigger than me, create life, etc.

At the age of 4 I learned that I actually couldn't create life.

I grew up in a house that bordered a wooded area in which many animals of the kingdom of Michigan would frollic and make babies. All this work had them running all over town. Being animals as they were, they decided the law about jaywalking didn't apply to them. This caused them to often get run over in front of my house.

My family had moved into the neighborhood about a week prior to me meeting my best friend, who happened to have a hampster, I think "Goldie" was its name. Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder. We learned a valuable lesson that day about death... and gravity.

We decided instead of having to go through the hassel of going to the pet store and finding a new "production line" hampster, we would construct one out of a dead squirrel that was rotting in the street.

Then we would simply electrocute it until it came to life, like they did in the movies.

It would be a custon made hampster, named... Hammy.

I'd had my eye on a squirrel at the end of the block that hadn't gotten to the maggot stage yet, which made it an excellent specimen. We picked it up by the tail and took it to my dad's workbench. The first step was to beat it with a hammer, then we would seperate the different colors.

Kyle slammed the hammer down with full force. I saw a drop of blood appear on the window. I looked down at the squirrel. Oops, I guess it HAD had entered the maggot stage.

We started pulling the squirrel apart and separating the colors. I can vividly remember the smell to this day. It smelled like when my would rub its ear on a dead animal and then lick my face.

Once we had things organized we started putting together the pieces. The squrrel's nose was the hampster's head and we poked little holes in it for eyes.

For the rest of it we just cut off a piece of skin and wrapped a bunch of organs and bones inside. It was pretty unorganized in there but once we ran electricity into it it would all straighten itself out. This was going to be the coolest hampster ever.

We brought the new hampster into the garage and began to wonder how we would electrocute it.

"Shit!" Kyle said.


"We never gave it any arms!" he was right.

I grabbed some twigs and actually managed to prop the thing good 3 feet in the air. It was pretty disturbing looking, thinking back on it.

Finally, we came to the conclusion that the best way to electrocute the thing was to break a lightbulb and stick the socket on the hampster's nose. I knew from experience, this would indeed electrocute Hammy.

We balanced a broken lightbulb socket and a soon to be hamster on top of 4 twigs. It looked kind of like a teepee, only with roadkill at the top.

This was going to have to involve some spirituality though. We were going to need Indian clothes and and some drums. We put on our Halloween costumes and sat next to the Teepee Of Life.

Then, we plugged it in. The drum beat started slow... with building intensity.

Nothing was happening.

After a minute or so we saw a little stream of smoke begin to rise.

We started screaming like the Indians do. "WAAAAYYYOOOOOHHH SHAMA SHAMA YYYAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!"

My parents had been sitting across the street making friends with the new neighborhood, and kind of keeping an eye on us. Now, the group was slowly making its way over.

The drums grew louder and faster as more smoke started pouring out of all Hammy the Hampster's orifices. The time was coming soon.

We were screaming at the top of our lungs now, and basically flipping out like head cases.

Kyle was jumping up and down and I was stomping my foot.

I felt a sharp pain on my shoulder and I screamed like a little girl... probably.

My dad was looking at the Teepee of Life, "What... the ... fuck..."

That was the first time I heard him drop the f-bomb.

Hammy then burst into flames and as the air escaped from from one of the gas sacks that had been rotting in the sun, it made a high-pitched scream.

I thrust my fists in the air, "IT'S ALIVE!"

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
6/2/2006 9:55 pm

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