Packing My Baggage and Tossing it Aside  

lustcurious42 57F
257 posts
7/10/2006 10:09 pm

Last Read:
9/10/2006 9:21 pm

Packing My Baggage and Tossing it Aside

We are born and as we travel through life, we collect baggage. Some of it we leave littered along the highway as we travel along, some of it we carry with us through life. Sometimes we think we discarded it in Montana, only to see it tailing us in Washington. I have some baggage, and it is what makes this a difficult time for me. I don't usually talk about my baggage, but here goes.

First of all, I need to say that sometimes it is our reality of what events were, not what was really happening at the time. My reality has affected my relationships even though my logical mind has forgiven and accepts events. And also let me say I had the most magnificant childhood, surrounded by people who truly loved me and wanted the best for me. Reality was their wanting the best for me. My reality saw it and felt something differently. It's my reality that has become my baggage.

My Mom was barely 16 the day I was born at a time when young unwed teenage moms were uncommon. She was a wild woman, full of life. You can see it in her eyes and the flowing red locks. When I was three, I moved in with my grandparents (I vaguely remember standing on the cement steps waving goodbye to a mom, a mom I would rarely see over the next few years). Everyone claims it was my choice to stay behind as my mother moved to Florida. Perhaps it was my three year old choice, perhaps one of my smarter life choices. My grandma who couldn't go to the hospital the day I was born out of embarrassment, feel in love with me. Some say I was her favorite. All I know is that I felt her love in every ounce of my being. She was strong and tough, a woman before her time. She'd send me to school in pants in an age when girls were supposed to wear dresses. She tried to teach me to stand my ground when, as one of the few white girls at a Native American school, they would beat me daily. She gave me my strength. She helped shape my very essence.

I remember visiting my mom when I was about 13. She had slaved away on a bunny coconut cake for my birthday. I remember thinking how ironic that she didn't know how much I despised coconut but yet I know, in my teenage mind, that she had spent alot of time on that cake and it was made with love. My earlier blog, The Nuts Don't Fall Far From the Tree, talks about my needing to know whether or not my kids like coconut. It's funny what memories stay with us through the years. Become our baggage to toss out along the highway.

At 15, my grandparents thought it best I go and live with my mom again. I guess they thought I was falling in with the wrong crowd. Must have been because in my attempt to survive school, I had gotten myself a boyfriend with some mighty big sisters (oh yeah, beat on this girl now!!). Reality, what was best for me. My reality, being abandoned.

My mom at the time had an abusive husband. I would watch him beat her now and then and step in when I could. There's other stories there, but that's another blog. She finally left him. I moved out the day after I graduated from high school. Somehow moving in with my mom at 15 had provided me with a closeness to my sisters that continues to this day and a respect for my mom that she had done the best that she could. That she left me out of love, but I was not forgotten. And I see her love for me to this day.

In the 80's, I found my birth father. In prison for murder. I thought surely I came from better stuff. His story is a book in itself. When he committed suicide earlier this year, I found that part of my birth family and what a connection we had. My regret is not having the nerve to contact them earlier.

Throw in two kids of my own, a 13 year marriage to an alcoholic, raising my sister's children as my own and you have my life story. Oh yeah, and sex with countless unknown men. What story could be complete without them? Trying to find something, who knows what, in the arms of a stranger.

So as I struggle with my feelings for a man who I should have never fallen in love with, who is so opposite yet so much the same as myself, the struggle isn't just with him. It's about the baggage I thought I left behind, the baggage I never knew I packed, the baggage that reminds me that people who love you leave you, they hurt you. The baggage that has you thinking you need to be in control both in life and sex and that somehow giving up that control and letting your heart win opens yourself up to vulnerabilities.

I know I'm ok, I'm strong. I look at some peoples lives and wonder how they ever survived. I am sooo lucky. I had so many people to raise me and love me. Some would say I was a spoiled little rich brat growing up. And all I know is that the baggage comes along.
So, you are all witnessing my complete healing through my blogs. My mindless wanderings as I sort out loving, how scared I am to love, how much I so need to be held and loved. Thank you

florallei 100F

7/10/2006 10:33 pm

Feelings of abandonement and being uprooted are scars that never seem to fully heal...when you think of a plant being uprooted and planted in another takes extra care and effort to make it grow and thrive...
Our stories are similar that I did not have my parents when I was growing was different atmosphere...we had nannies and servants and what we wanted materially but the feeling that one's parents does not desire or love you is a very difficult thing to overcome. In my healing process I faced the pain and reality of what I had subconsciously buried. It was tough and painful. Thankfully we became very close again and she had tried her very best and I have forgiven her years ago.
Yours is multi layers of pain. It is amazing how the human spirit still goes on. I pray you will let go of some of the baggage and talking about it is very important process. To suffer in silence is deadly. Seek support and people who will aid you in the growth and healing process.
As you said in one year in two years and so on you will see major changes and you will say "Wow I have made it thru all of that?".

lustcurious42 replies on 7/11/2006 7:54 pm:
Flo, you're always so sweet. Thank you. I think I've healed, except for I struggle a little bit in the relationship department. The bf and I talk about it a lot lately, about what a beautiful relationship we had in the past and how neither of us gave it the proper care. I think we've both learned alot and I'm glad I have him back in my life.

goodatpoetry2 68M
16569 posts
7/10/2006 11:03 pm

Thank you for sharing that.
It does help one understand better.
Good post!

lustcurious42 replies on 7/11/2006 7:55 pm:
Thanks for posting......I was trying to draw you out. Was hoping I wasn't one of those you referred to as just reading because of their looks. I wanted to think it's because I'm so damn easy......

Panthiest 74M

7/11/2006 1:04 am

Curious....You certainly have lived a "long, strange trip." But as you and others have realized, you've made it to here. You are alive, have your looks and lusts (Love the "runing naked around the sofa with a whip yelling "Yippee! Yippee!" HA!)
You even can write fairly well which definately is a sign of intelligence and the above shows a great sense of humor. If you can still laugh at your self and at life while still loving both, then you're doing better than most.
I like that you realized your mother did the best she could. That recognition was a great healing for me. I think we all do the best we can, It doesn't mean we have to like it - but hopefully we can understand and have compassion and that compassion seems to heal our own wounds and sometimes even other's.
The thing that I'm getting to is your part about opening your heart leaving you very vulnerable. Yes, opening your heart does leave us vulnerable, especially to another and horribly so to another who can't or won't open their heart to you. For me, that's the trick that makes it all work. Both have to open their hearts to each other, then as long as the objectives and most of the means of getting there are similar, there's no need for fear. But one opening their heart in hopes the other will, uh-uh. It may take time with someone to get to where both will open up and I mean truly open up to where they will want to be with you, support you, make you happy as much as you want for them. But it happens all the time.
Keep your heart strong and flexible, soft and loving.
Warm wishes to a beautiful heart....Panthiest

lustcurious42 replies on 7/11/2006 7:58 pm:
Thank you for a beautiful post. Anyone that says I have my looks and lust, well hell, that makes ya doable (just kidding.....). Fairly intelligent? Geesh..........come on here, give a girl a break. Some of the references have to do with my current dating situation, contained in great detail in previous blogs and I just finally had to get to the root of what is my real issue. That and I choose men that cheat on me. But hey, I've had my struggles with faithfulness as well.
the best of wishes to you also.

Panthiest 74M

7/11/2006 10:20 pm

Curious, why you write isn't what I'm talking. You DO write well and that IS a sign of intelligence.

"Anyone that says I have my looks and lust, well hell, that makes ya doable (just kidding.....)."

Kidding? Awwwwwww....

"Oh yeah, and sex with countless unknown men. What story could be complete without them? Trying to find something, who knows what, in the arms of a stranger."

If I was a liscensed psychologist I'd say that you were looking for the love your father never gave you. Promise a stranger sex and they love you til he comes. So it's not uncommon for women to keep 'em commin'. You need a guy who will love you unconditionally, all the time. Kiss you and hug you and tell you he loves you 500 hundred times a day.
I can't say how you feel about yourself - but if you don't feel like a hero, a champion, a powerful, good, strong-heart, all woman who deserves all that in her man, then you need to get that together with yourself. See, you have everything you need, you just have to believe it, know it. If you already feel that way, congratulations! You're on your way to a good life. IF I'm assuming too much, well, as they say i Goergia, "Shut mah mouth."

lustcurious42 replies on 7/12/2006 6:27 pm:
You're pretty insightful........some truth to what you write. The man I'm currently seeing has a way of filling my emotional needs by providing lots of attention, both sexually and otherwise.
And I just had to comment on the "fairly" intelligent. Extremely would have been a better word choice.

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
7/12/2006 8:15 pm

Go ahead ... be happy.

Make a list of your dreams.

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
7/12/2006 8:22 pm

Go ahead ... be happy.

Make a list of your dreams.

All the customs officials are on strike. Travelers will have to inspect their own baggage.

lustcurious42 replies on 7/14/2006 8:46 pm:
I am happy.......and the baggage is flying out along the freeway but I get the feeling I'm not the only one dumping my baggage out lately

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
7/15/2006 5:57 am

A broken symbiosis can be like a severed limb: you still feel it, even when it’s gone.

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
7/15/2006 8:13 am

Nobody is born smiling: being happy in this world is something we have to adjust to. What’s in a World?

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