I hurt her again  

rm_lovesk8ters 30F
52 posts
8/4/2006 3:28 am
I hurt her again

Megan called me at 5 this morning..she was upset again about something "he" did. She said she was tired of him and that she was laying beside him sleeping and she realized that she was in love with me and she never dreams good unless she hears my voice..and that if I only say the word she would leave him. I told her I don't see why she wants me so badly..I don't deserve her I can't love her the way he does...I heard a thump and she began to cry..I asked what happened yet I already knew what I did she was curled on the floor in a ball crying..I knew because I had done this to Amiee too. I asked her if she loved him she whimpered and said she never did and only was with him to make me jealous..and that the night they fucked she looked at me wishing I would push him off and take her..thats why she watched me so intensely. I told her she was sick to have used him like that and she moaned as if I had just punched her in her stomach. I couldn't see why she would do that to someone even if he is an asshole...he is a person. She just cried. I told her that I was sorry for ever coming into her life and I think she could do much better than me and that she deserves to be happy with someone who can love her the way that she needed. I told her that my heart was still recovering and that I can't commit..I can't promise because I have nothing else to give her...I have nothing left of me. She said it was okay and that if I let her try she would make me feel better and I would grow to love her. She was acting so desperate..I told her to listen I said," Every word I said to you about how I care for you its true..so much that I was scared to tell you..it was just to keep you safe from feeling as I feel..and I that I was sorry for making you hurt..but I don't love you." and when I said," you can't make someone love you they just do." She grew silent and then asked me why not..why not her..why couldn't I try to love her? I was getting her more upset...I could hear how frail she felt with every crack in her words the tone of her voice was unsteady and I could hear her trembling. Megan then asked me to tell her I didn't love her that all the nights I spent holding her comforting her were all meaningless and that every time I kissed her the feeling she felt was a lie..all of it. I couldn't breath I felt sick and I told her I couldn't say it. Thats when the question hit me..do I love her? I felt almost certain with my heart that I did but again I felt as if I couldn't bare the idea of hurting her the way I did to all my ex's..she said she loved me and she knew I did too and she knew it was hard for me to say it but she always knew. That thought lingered past her now raspy voice saying goodnight. I am still stunned at the suspicion of loving her..and to be honest I have no clue.

leodavinci69xxx 56M

1/15/2012 10:43 am

Despite the fact that you have no clue, there is a lot of wisdom in your understanding the situation and feelings. You're absolutely right, of course. One cannot 'try to love someone". That's not the way we're programmed to 'feel'. Chemistry kicks in when it's triggered by a connection that intuition says clicks. She's just too young yet to get it.

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