lonesomefornow2 66F
102 posts
7/22/2006 8:48 pm

Last Read:
7/28/2006 9:02 pm


i got thru the week without pulling out my hair or killing anyone...but i am depressed in spite of relief..i am behind in multiple areas,,the backlog of minor things that go undone while being hostess,weighs on me like a ton on my mental-to -do list..fucks me up for abit ,to gain momentum and track of where i am in various projects,,things get shifted to accomidate more people,,(don't get screwy here about my spelling ,from this point on fuck it if you can't read it)too much information dumped on my shoulders about situations that i can do nothing about or even have kept up with on social activities in their lives,,now all of a sudden i should care what is going on ?? sorry but family loyalities hit the wall when i read my father's will,,sorry no prizes or whistles to herald your comings and goings,,not now,,too long ,,i sat in the shadows and waited for replies but none came,,so i am but only a ghost to you ,,you have no claim to me anymore..the courtesy i show you ,i would for a stranger,,so it is not blood that binds my behavior to conform to tradtions..but integrity wins out above all else when i have no answer to give for motive...it is the right thing to do ,regardless of personal feelings...or lack of them,either..i am severed from my kin that remains,,,i wish it so for it is the only way to have peace...i can not be what they would have me be and to change to be acceptable is not in my power to do,,even if i would want to do so,,which i do not,,so i am orphaned on purpose with intent...yes,it is the easy way out of the rejection principle...you didn't want me when i was around ,,so now ,,you don't exsist for me at all,,neat little package of spit and polish and your okay again..simple procedure, quick and permanent solution..like cutting the balls off a bull,bloody at first but the wound heals fast and soon forgotten are the lusts for other things in life..like family..we both be happy...at least i seem to be more so than you do but it was your choice,,,my choice works for me...it only hurts when you remind me of the connection once had,,and i have nothing to give you but hospitality....i am emotionally empty and the depression seeks to gain a hold to fill the void,,not this time dude,,gottcha creeping up but i am not that easy of prey..so i hold you by the throat and stare hard into the sockets of darkness and laugh at your stupidity to think you could catch me off guard...not visiting today thank you or the next either,,so fuck off depression..you get a whine or two but my cup is still very full of the good stuff so butt out..have far better things to do than sit at some pity-party,,been to all of those i care to and not going back..shake it off and get a grip,,,BOO !!! i am much better now,,,smile has returned ....round two :::: no contenders,huh?? things are back to right again...

VenusDiaries 63M
867 posts
7/23/2006 9:47 am

Orphans are never that easy of prey because they are tough and are aware of their surroundings having had to do things on their own without dependence on anyone other than themselves. They shake it off and move on only wallowing in self depreciation if they care to and usually not for long.

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
7/25/2006 4:24 pm

Have I ever used poor judgment?

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