Adolescence Crush  

lonelyforsaken 36M
8 posts
5/15/2006 6:12 pm

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5/15/2006 6:13 pm

Adolescence Crush

Man, I hate having a good memory.

I don't have many good memories from high school. (Actually, I don't have many good memories from that entire decade, which is why I've tried to repress the entire era.) So, when one of them resurfaces and gets it's fangs into me, it leaves me pretty out of sorts until I either wrestle it back into repression, or cope with it. Th first option is always preferred.

So, I woke up waaay too early this morning to a memory of a girl I've tried hard to forget. She was a little scatter-brained, but that was cute in it's way.

The bitch of it is, I didn't even realize I was in love with her until after I forswore her.

As far as I knew, we were just good friends. We hung out at lunch, at the occasional after-school event, just life as normal. I suppose the warning sign should've been when I was trying to warn her against going too far with another mutual friend, although I was taking a rather roundabout way of getting at it.

(In retrospect, I shouldn't have gotten involved, and in fact had received some advice long those lines at the time. But at that age, I had even less of my brain working than I do now, and that's saying something.)

The fact that she not only got it, but gave me a hug and told me I was like a big brother to her should've clued me in. Especially since we had only known each other a few months at that point, and yet I was that close to her.

The breaking point was the party after my Senior Prom. Pool party, swimsuits, and hormones aplenty. Of course I was fricken' miserable. I wasn't present for the incident, but when she told me the next day when we were at an amusement park....

She, her boyfriend (the same guy I tried to warn her off on) and another couple who were friends of ours had, for all intents and purposes, swapped. Just kissing, mind you; this was a school-sponsored event. But there it was, and she mentioned with a blush that she had always had a bit of a crush on the other guy, so she enjoyed it.

I spent the entire rest of the day avoiding them.

It didn't concern me, it wasn't any of my business, and yet I still spent the rest of the day in a snit. I still remember being offended on such a deep level, I just plain didn't want to see them. And I didn't, until I moved away two months later for our next posting.

It was recounting this incident to my shrink that lead to the realization that I was, in fact, in love with her. (Actually, "realization" implies that I reached this conclusion. In point of fact, the doc pointed this out to me, and I was so damn stunned, it had to be the truth.)

I'm still not entirely sure why it hit me so hard, though. Looking back while writing this, I'm starting to think that because I was in love with her, the fact that she could cheat with such impunity with her current boyfriend (the fact that he was right there at the time didn't even register in my subconcious) means that she could do the same thing to me, even though we weren't dating.

I never said that this was logical. I was a teenager, ater all.

To this day, though, I still don't know what the hell I should've done. Oh, I know the noble thing would be to just ignore it; it wasn't any of my business, and her boyfriend was doing the same damn thing. But I still remember feeling such deep moral outrage. I know it was mutual in their case, but cheating is still cheating; mutual, in this case, just means you're both guilty of the crime.

And there's the kicker: maybe I'm just hypersensitive after being alone so long, but to betray the one you're seeing like that... to me, at least, there can be few worse crimes. And because of that, even after nearly a decade, I still can't bring myself to forgive her and move on.

I guess I still haven't grown all the way up.

(As a completely unrelated aside, I'm sorry for the rather clunky title of this post. It's a riff off of the title of a soundtrack I enjoy. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I had shown that series to my teenage self. I'd like to think that I would've taken something from seeing students in an even more screwed up set of circumstances than my own; realistically, though, the show was so postmodern that my reaction probably have been something along the lines of, "WTF?" )

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