The inevitable me...  

londongames 37M
288 posts
5/27/2006 10:30 am

Last Read:
6/1/2006 9:46 am

The inevitable me...

"CLUNK" is the sound my bat makes when it brazenly slaps down on any rhetoric that fumbles out of my mouth when I attempt to talk about my feelings...

..Actually i find it ok to talk about certain things. And i have a sense of humour, pretty dry and left-field too but it's something i'm proud of so let it go ok?!

But women. Man. That's a tough one. What a quandry, I have no idea where to start either and it's not like I pre-plan these posts I just rest my fingers on the keypad and see what happens..

Ok bare with me here...going back a little first...

Ever since I can remember I have found it hard expressing myself to women. I take after my father who had is the most serious, dare I say it dullish, impatient man at times, with no outwardly characterful traits of affection.. Yet this man who I so grew up trying to please yet at the same time defy, had this curious past that he only ever divulged through these AMAZING photographs scattered around the house growing up.

They were black and white and quite stunning (i think i got my camera eye from this man), all set in Paris & Versailles, and of these beautiful young women in poses around the city. He never speaks of them but I suspect they were probably girlfriends or maybe just connections through his art...
Well something happened and he became an accountant and financial director and got married to my mother.

ANYWAY i think I have the same hold-ups of not being able to express myself, and I know every woman talks about men not doing this but this is firmly untrue. Every woman I've ever been with has always said that I stand out this way, and curiously it is what attracts me to a lot of them. Why would this be?

I've got things I dont talk about and feelings I can't share, but I am very affectionate when I open up.
The trouble is I hardly ever do. Low self-esteem or fear of rejection can come about any time but I am also very picky of who I want to open up to.
The last proper girlfriend I had was back at the end of 2003, 2004. Since then I've had little more than dates and flings and the odd maybe. I don't do one-night stands (ok we've all had one!), and I know now from being here that I'm not interested in being a piece of meat for someone or looking for meat myself.

I'm not depressed or think of myself as hideously rancid to anyone, but I do have a hard time accepting when someone might like me, and yes I have come across a very small handful of women on here that i'd love to meet. One more than most.

I haven't been playing the field but inevitably you come across various people you have a connection with and start to feel like you're cheating on A.F.F...
which is ridiculous because I hold my integrity with high intent & am NOT I repeat am NOT a player in any shape form or colour.

This is why I retreat again because It is me that's the problem. I find it hard to commit to things I'm scared will fuck me over or throw me off balance again. I work so much and travel around and so when the hell do I really have time for anything serious? Who knows. With this same token I don't want anything un-serious anymore. I want to wake up and have that buzz- having a beautiful women waking up next to you and smile, and not want to let her go...

Have i mentioned that I look for the wrong things in the wrong places???

I don't even know where i'll be 6 months from now. Selfishly my career or at least aspiration of my career has been keeping me going uphill for the past few years, and I have to follow my heart with this, and it's incredibly difficult to put that aside because I know that as soon as I lay eyes on the woman that's right for me again I won't be able to share, and i'm frightened of losing the only thing I was ever good at doing...

My profile reminds everyone that i'm still not sure what I want, all I know is that I cannot go through life the way i feel now, partly closed off and not letting anything get through, or letting anything get out.

Hey it must be a full moon tonight. I'm very pensive today, I think i'll go do something spontaneous...anyone for a long weekend in Paris in a small "appartement" on isle st Louis?

Till next time


TheCliticals 36F/F

5/29/2006 4:50 pm

Deeper than most posts that we've read so far.
Life is about taking chances and you sound like youre too cautious.

londongames 37M

5/31/2006 2:00 am

Sandy & Dee
...yup. when you're right you're right.....about being deep of course...

no seriously, I am cautious and it's difficult to get out of that mindset once you step in. Hence this wonderfully cheap therapy

Thank you for your comments by the way

rm_samanthas2 40F
10 posts
5/31/2006 3:12 pm

my god.its like looking in a mirror.
u know about my turmoil over the past few days.
i want the time to love again to find and to keep
but till then i want to learn to just have fun,
on my terms,
caution is underrated
thank god the bloggs have started again.

londongames replies on 6/1/2006 9:45 am:
yes sam we've experienced similar pasts no doubt...turmoil? oh come on girl it's just a minor glitch you'll be back and racing in no time


TheCliticals 36F/F

5/31/2006 8:07 pm

Caution makes the heart grow smaller.


you_want_this_6 44F

6/1/2006 5:45 am

Hey, I'm sorry I missed the weekend in France. I hear they make great fries.

So, typically, my response to this post comes from a poem (and, typically one by Frank O'Hara):


Am I to become profligate as if I were a blonde? Or religious
as if I were French?

Each time my heart is broken it makes me feel more adventurous
(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable
list!), but one of these days there'll be nothing left with
which to venture forth.

Why should I share you? Why don't you get rid of someone else
for a change?

I am the least difficult of men. All I want is boundless love.

--- Frank O'Hara (Meditations in an Emergency) -- it's an excerpt

Okay, so he was gay and two men trying to be in love must be pure hell, but ... you get the drift.

Christ, I should sleep once in awhile.


londongames 37M

6/1/2006 9:25 am

you know there's this little cafe just by Gard du Nord in Paris that does the best Belgian beer, & bavette frittes this side of...well.... munster. anyway i digress...

so let me get this straight (excuse the pun): i'm a gay man trapped in a religious zealot straight man's body raging with jealousy & deprived of self-pity?? Am i close?

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