I DONT HATE ANIMALS I THINK EVERY FAMILY SHOULD HAVE ONE  

londongames 37M
288 posts
4/5/2006 12:13 pm

Last Read:
5/20/2006 6:28 pm

I DONT HATE ANIMALS I THINK EVERY FAMILY SHOULD HAVE ONE

I wrote this for a friend who was under the misogynistic impression that things with lots of legs were a good thing…. pffffffffft…..

It was a hot, rainy summer's evening, and I had just returned from a hard day's work (i was a cycle courier at the time). Suffice to day I could barely keep my eyes open, and came into my bedroom and sat down on my antique reclining deskchair, the latter of which makes a distinct screeching noise when leant back upon.
As I listened to the melodic soulful sounds of Morcheeba, the singer's voice coarsing through my heartstrings, I let myself go and screeched my way to full recline and rested my weary legs on my bed.
As my eyes closed, the last thing to be noticed was the bright yellow ceiling paint, blankly staring back at me, a single centred spotlight shining its way down at me forcing me to squint...
...As listful songs came and went, and raindrops pitter pattered at my windowsill, almost in unison with the beat from my stereo, I felt the sudden urge to open my eyes......................
THE SPIDER is a cruel and unkind creature, with little or no sympathy for human weakness. ?It will just as soon suck on it's mate or offspring as it would shelter a small orphaned ladybird bug.
However, the KEY misconception we mere humans, as a dominant (if a little naive) species conceive, is that spiders are non-intelligent. Or non-commital for that matter...
ON THE CONTRARY, they are predators pure and simple, with no regard for emotion or a tired man's dignity............
As i open my eyes, I notice.....not one.. no. but TWO medium size spindle spiders, dangling down their sinister web-strings toward me...
One on either side of my head, sliding purposefully toward my soft damp skin, still moist from the outside rain...
I bolt from the chair and they react suddenly: freezing on the spot, they expand their legs, stretching out aggressively, as a warning.?Then they slowly glide back up, still hanging upside down, up & up the silky thread they weave with such venomisity ( i might have just made that word up), until they reach the ceiling.....
SPLATT...... is the sound my broom handle makes when it cruches their rickety little bodies, not taking any prisoners after such a close escape...
What would they have in store for me??How much would they set the ransom for... if any? Would they have kept me in my own closet to feed on at their whim?
Thankfully we'll never know.... as the two spiders that could.......DIDN'T....

And that, kind people, is the story of how I almost got kidnapped by spiders in my own god-damn house......... I hope this acts as a warning to any spider-loving humans out there still naive about their true intentions.......


saddletrampsk 55F

4/5/2006 1:13 pm

I squash all the itsy bitsy's I see..


londongames replies on 4/6/2006 6:58 am:
well i hate killing things and I always feel a little sad after i've done it... after all, spiders are meant to be good luck....

...but god damnit THEY started this war not me!!!!

x

BlondieInOz 36F

4/5/2006 3:28 pm

Ok I get it so you don't like spiders. But stroking a tarantula is a good idea like arachnaphobes need to as a form of aversion therapy. Do you know this, more people are frightened of spiders than of a terrorist bomb.

I love spiders and Robert the Bruce too. Did you know theres a spider called the Goliath bird eater spider? Ok but there is NO Shelob cycle courier eating spiders.


londongames replies on 4/6/2006 7:00 am:
well there are thankfully a hell of a lot more spiders than terrorist bombs in this world....but that still don't make em OK to try and hijack me into submission!!!

ps. i heard about this goliath bird eater.... goddamn things should be eradicated...

x

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