years of pain and suffering  

ladysabrina66 51F
25 posts
3/18/2006 6:38 am

Last Read:
3/22/2006 5:16 am

years of pain and suffering


I have faced many years of pain and suffering which started at the hand of my father and trickled down through my brother. Let me expain a bit. You see when I was merely 4 years old my father would lock in me in my closet for hours when my mother was gone. I tried to tell my mom but she just thought I had an over active imagination. This continued until I was 8 or 9 years of age, when my parents finally moved from that house. Boy, was I ever so grateful. Hopeing not to see the inside of another closet. When I was locked in the closet I wasn't allowed to eat, have drink, or go to the bathroom. Even if it meant wetting myself. Which did happen by the way,how long can a young child hold it? I tried to forget about it but never could. Even in moving
I was scared to death. I never felt safe. But as the years passed at this new home, I was never locked in my closet again. But the abuse continued.

My father started calling me names and in front of others, too. Some of these people where family and some my friends of the time. My brother, who is 2 years younger than me started the name calling as well. Things like fatty fatty 2x4 can't get through the kitchen door and don't run your'e gonna give yourself black eyes. I was only allowed one friend, but my brother had many. By the time I was 8 my father had told my mother how she should have aborted me. He never wanted a girl. At age 11, reality hit. It was then I realized my father never wanted me nor ever accepted me. That was hard to understand at age 11 why parents and people could be so cruel. The thing that got to me the most is when my parents had gatherings, I would see my father playing with others kids and alot of them girls. I wondered why he couldn't have played with me that way. Oh yeah, he didn't want me, I was a girl.

Going to jump forward a bit. You know I guess the reason this bothers me is because i never want to do anything to scar my children the way my father scarred me. I was so determined not to turn out like him. I don't have a healthy relationship with my father today. I tried many times , but he would never meet me half way. I guess because of the way that I was treated I made some poor decisions in life, but I learned from them. I still suffer nightmares to this day and probably always will. I really believe that because what I suffered as a child, moulded my thoughts of today. I have worked hard at reprogramming my brain, but at times it really hurts. Til this day, I can't stand small spaces, the dark, or even a crowd of people. But I put one foot in front the other and take one day at a time.

Life goes on this is true, but sometimes there are others that have to walk a longer harder path just to feel normal.

Thanks for reading this jumbled mess. I walk in today, look for tomorrow, and remembering yesterday.

LIFE
Why do we struggle?
Do we inflict on us trouble?
We hold all our own cards in our hand.
Now how do we play them?
We need to look at them and understand.
We hold our own fate in our own hand.


Thanks and have a great day!
LadyS

HeardLankaMalls 56M
2925 posts
3/20/2006 8:37 am

Thanks for posting your story LadyS. I'm sure that wasn't easy to tell or post. It's amazing to me the way some parents can be so abusive. And just as amazing that your mom was enabling your father and brother by not believing you (or seeing with her own eyes).

Keep taking life one day at a time.

Hugs, C


ladysabrina66 51F

3/20/2006 9:52 am

Cor,

Never easy admitting past. You are welcome for me posting my story. I just hope that others will read and realize life gets better you just need to believe and go for it. Nothing "given" lasts and what you "work off" you show yourself more respect. Life gets better, one just has to want better for themselves.

One day at a time is how I take things, for we aren't promised tomorrow.

Hugs back,

Lady


courtland2005 49M

3/21/2006 2:32 pm

Dear one, after reading the above post, I am reminded of something a person in AA once told me. "One foot in the past and one foot in the future leaves you pissing on today."

It is good to see someone else take this type of attitude.

Your father will never meet you halfway. If you want a "normal" relationship with him, you will have to go all the way, but at this stage in life and your development is it actually worth it?

Just my unasked for advice. Peace and hugs. You are strong and valuable, just remember that.

Courtland


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