keithcancook 61M
11072 posts
9/29/2005 6:56 pm

Author's Note:

This morality play was inspired by events taking place in BlogLand that shook the place pretty hard. The "popular list" bloggers of the time were turned out of their lofty places at the top of the list by newer bloggers who used the devices at their disposal to manipulate their climb to the top.

Foremost among these devices was filling their posts with comments. Comments that were only meant to increase the overall total number of comments (which was the way the popular list was determined), and had nothing to do with the original post .

For example, a blogger could become the "top" blogger by simply writing a one word comment over and over and over again in their post ad nausea. Friends would come in to help and before long the post would have 200 or more comments in it.

Eventually, the site instituted the "unique comment" as the way to determine "Number One" and "blog padding" went by the wayside.

Anyway, there were many bruised egos as a result, and of course I found the whole thing to be quite amusing (as well as an interesting example of pride and other assorted human behaviors), and used the entire controversy as fodder for the following piece of satire.

*It is unfortunate that some of the original cast members have seen fit to remove their profiles, and thus their pics have gone by the wayside. However, these actors are some of the greatest to appear on BlogLand's stage. They are well missed by this playwright, that is for sure...

edited by keithcancook, March 2008.






expatbrit49 AS HUNG SO-LOW

purejoy4fem AS CUTE BACK-UP

travelingintexas AS HEART JADER

SensuallyKatey AS RU-FREE2SCREW?






BlogLand Productions' roster of BALONEY AWARD winning morality plays is the finest in the theatre-blog industry. They include:
Conversations From BlogLand High
The Wizard of Blogz
It's a Wonderful Blog
A BlogLand Christmas Carol and

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
9/29/2005 6:58 pm

BLOG WARS Episode III Return of the Slits

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away...

The Blogactic Republic has seen its better days.
Once offering peace and stability throughout the known blogosphere
the Republic is now but a shadow of its former preeminence and glory.
For a new power has arisen and wrested control.
Wielding fearsome new weapons The New Empire has assailed the old Republic
with a ferocity never before witnessed and a velocity approaching light speed.
In short order the old Republic was swept away...
On a quest to destroy The New Empire's most powerful weapon, the Blog Padder,
A small band of loyalists begin their dangerous mission.

Ok gang, we've gone over this dozens of times. Does everyone know their responsibilities? We are only going to get one shot at this.

expatbrit49 Do you always have to be so damn professional Fluke? When do I get some shag time with Principal Lay? I mean Cute Backup gives great wookie, but I have a thing for blue bloods and I want some of Lay's royal heinie.

purejoy4fem Why do I always feel like Maryanne in Gilligans Island? Always playing second fiddle to a sweeter sounding violin. Jeesh!

expatbrit49 Now now, Cute Backup You know I love you (Yeah, Right!). Why not go and sit with Ya-owe-me-one and give him a little wookie? He is said to be skilled with his sabre.

purejoy4fem At least he's got one Hung So-Low. It's a better weapon than that puny little gun that you pull out when the action gets hot. It never ceases to crack me up that you have a name as cool as Hung So-Low and all the possibilities which that implies; yet you have no sabre to back it up. What a joke.

Tala4u2 Enough! Stop this squabbling! You sound like the Emperor and his cronies. Bickering over such drivel and harping and sniping at each other. The fate of the entire Blogosphere is in our hands. All eyes are upon us. We must not fail.

expatbrit49 purejoy4fem BLONDENEEDSSEX Bite me, Cum-blow-me.

purejoy4fem Yeah, you are always talking down to us. Like you're something special. Well, at least we don't go out wearing the same stinkin' bathrobe all the time.

: Or pull out out our sabres just to show off.

BLONDENEEDSSEX Or open our legs to spacemen.

expatbrit49 Ha! That's all you ever do, Principle Lay. Don't you have a better come back than that?

BLONDENEEDSSEX Oh! You are SO in trouble for saying that, Hung So-Low.

Tala4u2 I agree, that was a low blow, So-Low.
Now stop this everyone. Can't you see what is happening to us? The shadow of the Empire has spread and even now we are under the influence of the DARK SIDE of the Farce. We must cleanse our minds of conflict and doubt. Think of flowers rather than fights. For it is with flowers that we shall defeat the Empire and restore good will to the Blogosphere.

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
9/29/2005 7:00 pm

Ya-owe-me-one Cum-Blow-me is right. We must be at peace with ourselves if we wish to bring peace to the Blogosphere. With my Principal Lay under me and a Cute Back-up under her I now have a staff stout enough to complete this mission. Are ya with me girls?

purejoy4fem BLONDENEEDSSEX Gawd Yes! Take us now!, we mean yes! we're with you!

expatbrit49 Hey, what about me? I'm still captain of the Kill-any-man Falcon. It's mine ya know. The rumors that I stole it from the Les-Bians is a lie.


purejoy4fem Yeah, let us know when ya get a REAL sabre.

expatbrit49 Y'all will be begging for it when I become a hero, defeat the Emperor, and destroy the Blog Padder before it inflates another blog.

Ha! That'll be the day. You're not even a red-eye, Hung So-Low.

expatbrit49 Sorry, but the mystical process for red-eye initiation really turns me off. And at the end of pledge week, when they slam a door on the tip of your pecker to induct you into the club... well, that's a real deal breaker for me. I don't wanna be a red-eye.

You do not know the power of the Farce. Red-eye training will toughen you. It could even give you some length. Then you won't have to take the ribbing that all the girls give you when they see you naked.

Tala4u2 What Fluke says is true Hung So-Low. With the Farce as his ally, a red-eye can part many heavenly bodies in a single night. But that is for another time. Now we must concentrate on our mission. The Blog Padder must be destroyed and we need to act swiftly.

Must I face Heart Jader, master?

Tala4u2 I am afraid so Fluke.

But isn't he my father? How can I face him after what he did to my mother. The poor soul is so jaded now that she hates all men. Including me!

Tala4u2 Your father he is, but face him you must. Your mother is not the only woman to fall under his spell only to be cast aside later. You must defeat him and restore confidence to the hearts of all women.

There is good in him still. I can sense it. I will bring him back to the Flowers.

Tala4u2 Unclear, his future is. But he is a BlogWriter, and in him the Farce is strong. Be wary when you confront him. He can turn you yet. Then what will your Principle Lay become? Your right hand? (And with that new bionic model you have attatched, you could sever your sabre if you're not careful). Nay! Heart Jader must be stopped!

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
9/29/2005 7:02 pm

expatbrit49 We are approaching the Gay-go-butt system. The Blog Padder is protected by an energy shield projected from the tiny MOON of Bend-Over, on the far side of the blog. Take your places everyone.

Tala4u2 Not those places Principle Lay! Get your nose out of Cute Back-ups muff. Haven't you had enough wookie yet? You're insatiable.

BLONDENEEDSSEX Oh pooh! Every time I try and get a little wookie from Cute Back-up somebody always has to rain on my parade.

purejoy4fem Mmmmmppphhhh...

Tala4u2 Prepare to launch the stolen Imperial shuttle. Now we will see if those codes for which we paid so dearly are of any worth. When we gain entry to The Blog Padder we must take out the main reactor and then get the hell out of there fast. When the reactor explodes innane comment shrapnel will spew forth in all directions.
Fluke and I will take the shuttle. Hung So-Low, Principle Lay, and Cute Back-up will continue to Bend-Over in the Kill-any-man Falcon and disable the energy shield. Let's go!


travelingintexas What is it?

HardlyYours4Now A shuttle sir. They are requesting permission to dock. The codes are older, but they do check out. I was just about to clear them. Shall I deny them docking?

travelingintexas No, I will deal with them myself. Clear them immedieately.

HardlyYours4Now Can you repeat that sir? I can't understand you with all that heavy breathing in the background.


I have a very bad feeling about this. I shouldn't have come. I am endangering the mission, Ya-owe-me-one.

Tala4u2 It is too late to retreat now. Is your sabre ready? Don't forget to bring the droids.

C'mon RU-Free2Screw? and get C-My-PP-Grow away from those girlie magazines. Jeeze, why did we have to get a droid fluent in 40,000,000 masturbation techniques?

SensuallyKatey Tweet-tweet-twitter-tweet-twitter!

dz2502 Oh! Do I have to stop now? I was just getting to the centerfold.

Tala4u2 We have docked. Prepare to disembark. The deck is deserted and the coast is clear. RU, link up to the main computer and jam the firing sequence to The Blog Padder. Fluke, we must separate now. I will go to the reactor and start fucking with it. You wander around and see if there are any exciting ways to get in trouble. Then I will come back and save you even though I will have already been undone by Heart Jader.
(I cheated and read ahead in the script).

I hope Principle Lay, Cute Back-up, and Hung So-Low can disable the energy shield. Although I don't understand why we need to. I mean, we are already aboard The Blog Padder so why do we need them, Ya-owe-me-one?

Tala4u2 Don't worry about it Fluke. This is a Sci-Fi morality play. Plot continuity is not necessary for the point to be made.

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
9/29/2005 7:04 pm

On the Gay-Go-Butt MOON of Bend-Over The Kill-any-man Falcon has landed...

expatbrit49 Girls, we have arrived on Bend-Over. Are you ready to complete the mission? Hey! What're y'all doin? Didn't Ya-owe-me-one tell you guys to stop that? Get yer face outta Cute Back-up's muff, Principle Lay.

BLONDENEEDSSEX Ease up, Hung So-Low. This part of the plot is of no consequence to the overall production. Now get over here gimme some while I give Cutie some.

purejoy4fem Mmmmmppphhhh...


Tala4u2 I knew I would find you here my old Paddle-One. Spank me, but by the size of that sabre I see that you have grown in power.

travelingintexas It is true, Ya-owe-me-one. Now you are the student and I am the master. I will soon teach you the power of the DARK SIDE.

Tala4u2 Enough of this chit chat Jader. All you have become is a MASTER DEBATER. And soon you will be a flower arranger. En garde!


Father! What has now come? You have undone Ya-owe-me-one.

travelingintexas He's not done, son. The Farce is strong in that old one. He's pushing up flowers under the sun. Besides, he did disarm the The Blog Padder before he succumbed.

He did? I owe you one Ya-owe-me-one. (At last! I waited all day to deliver that corny line!)

travelingintexas It is of little avail Fluke. Now you will turn to the DARK SIDE. Soon you will be padding blogs with the best of them. After that I will teach you how to jade women.

I will never turn to the DARK SIDE father. You have failed. Why can't you control your anger and be nice to women? Be a heart-jader no more dad. I sense the good in you.

travelingintexas It is too late for me son. I have padded too many blogs and jaded too many women.

Here dad, have some flowers. Doesn't that soothe you? Can't you just get along with all the other bloggers in the Blogosphere? Join with us and be a peacemaker, not a war monger.

travelingintexas Oh son! These flowers are truly beautiful. Yes! I do! I do want peace in BlogLand. And speaking of peace, if I switch sides can I get a piece of Principal Lay?

Of course pops. She puts out for everyone. Even heavy breathers like yourself. Wait until you see her with Cute Back-up. She gives the best wookie in the galaxy! Yummy.



tillerbabe 57F

9/29/2005 8:12 pm

Now, come relax on the couch....let me "rub" you....

So much work in 1 day.


9/29/2005 8:29 pm

hahahahahahahaha You are too much ,little off on sometings but your still number 1 {=}

HardlyYours4Now 53M

9/29/2005 8:48 pm

Oh, sure, it was a small part...but it was so pivotal to the story...

Who started snickering about my small parts?

007sexy40plus 52F  
7603 posts
9/29/2005 9:03 pm

You all have the right to remain silent, but being the cop in charge I say spill your guts, give us the juicy dirt, if there is any. I need to see expat naked so that I dont have to pat him down in search of weapons. I must ask though, Ex, do you need a cavity search?

I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"

sexyeyes375 48F

9/29/2005 9:04 pm


..I lauged, I cried, I came.. completely satisfying..

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
9/29/2005 11:31 pm

Hey...I thought popcorn was included in the ticket price!

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

playfulwithyou33 57F
961 posts
9/29/2005 11:34 pm

LOL at Hardly

PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
9/30/2005 4:08 am

*blink blink* What, did I miss it again?


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

_CoffeeNoCream_ 54F

9/30/2005 8:17 am


goddessofbitches 42M/34F

9/30/2005 10:42 am

What in the world have you been smoking? I wnat

That was some cute stuff there...


Always The Bitch

rockwriter58 58M
1389 posts
9/30/2005 6:59 pm

I am awed. If only Lucas had brought you aboard.

Great satire.

And thanks for the free tickets!


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
9/30/2005 8:42 pm

Man, Keith...I had some really cool props all lined up for you too... I had designed this really awesome shuttle cab for you to to ride around on...sorta looked like a huge purple butt plug. curses...

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

raptor880 40M

10/1/2005 10:05 am

Slaps writ on table.......takes another drag on big fat cuban.Mr Lucas aint impressed with your little stunt Mr Cook.

See you in court.Hope your pockets are deep enough to buy the White House.

(can I have cute-back ups address I have just the right position for her coming up in my new production)

rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
10/1/2005 1:05 pm

when does all the Blog Wars merchandise come out

i want to collect all the kinky action figures

S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

expatbrit49 64M

10/1/2005 3:45 pm

ROFL. Awesome ol’ pal and the irony of the four comment padding was not lost, lucky I could show you the light….Oh wait I was sandwiched between:

Great casting

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

wyvernrose 39F  
3964 posts
10/1/2005 7:03 pm

lol too cool


jim5131 56M
1296 posts
10/1/2005 10:22 pm

...that was great...snort-out-loud funny. Bravo Keith!

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
10/2/2005 12:02 am

Where's my damn popcorn???

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

rm_sj365 57F
2414 posts
10/2/2005 12:53 am

Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to clean diet coke off your monitor AND your keyboard? not to mention how much it hurts when it comes flying out your nose!

DefiniteTrouble 51F

10/2/2005 1:42 am

lmao...great post.

I'll get you some more pig pics as soon as I have time to go through my graphics file.

- DT

pussinboots4u 51M/49F

10/2/2005 2:56 am

**standing up** **clapping hands** **whistling**


sleeplessknight1 69M

10/2/2005 4:35 am

funny and serious, an artist at work....

AlbertPrince 59M

10/2/2005 4:53 am

Can I audition now for a part in the sequel. I would also like to have a part in BLONDENEEDSSEX

dano6332 57M

10/2/2005 6:37 am

It must have been tough to fight such a "master Vader" lol

Keith You Rock when are you releasing the prequell?

Alias_46 59M

10/2/2005 9:47 am

too funny!!!

Awesome job... keep it up! The blogging!

AmberSolaire 43M

10/2/2005 11:37 am

color orange] Dang is it the end already.Jumps up out of the backrow pulls his jeans up, unlocks his lips from his rather delectable companion and exits.Oh well theres always the sequel.......

mnfun952 103M

10/2/2005 12:14 pm

Seriously Keith... that's awesome stuff!! It's this kind of creativity and entertainment that proves that the Farce is strong within you.

rm_jayR63 60F
1884 posts
10/2/2005 12:49 pm

I'm going over to theatre number two and watch cartoons.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
10/2/2005 2:07 pm

Wow, it was a far, far better thing you did...Puss finally got to stand up! Yea!!!

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
10/2/2005 6:19 pm


I am so happy that y'all have enjoyed my little entertainment. The reviews have been very gratifying. I love you all, and may the Farce be with you!

interested13563 54M
2557 posts
10/2/2005 7:44 pm


tamethytension 56M
2320 posts
10/2/2005 8:09 pm

if only Lucas put that much effort into his production. Well done.

helga_hansen 50F  
1987 posts
10/2/2005 11:27 pm

*Sob*... the action always happens when I go away!! Will this be cumming out on DVD?


Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

barbiebunny 38F
5597 posts
10/2/2005 11:38 pm

BRAVO!!!!! WHOOOOOO king of the basement!

Its good to be...ME

duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
10/3/2005 4:19 am

It just goes to prove that I am not a true Star Wars fan. Very creative though!


missy973 49F

10/3/2005 9:57 am

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
10/3/2005 11:44 am

Well done & bravo. Can't wait for Episode V...this was Episode IV wasn't it?

[blog talldarkavg1]

34andahalf4U 50M/46F

10/3/2005 1:36 pm


DefiniteTrouble 51F

10/3/2005 5:34 pm


***tosses popcorn to Wahine***

***giggles with SJ*** The pink lipstick looks so natural on T huh?

Efilnikufecin69 48M

10/5/2005 2:21 am

Are we still in the first Episode? What about Queen Amibella_bella_? Where's luke69erluke69er? Missing a few characters here.

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
10/5/2005 5:43 am

nice one

I'm a

i'm here to stay

rm_marthabanana 46M/46F
2 posts
10/5/2005 10:03 am

Way excellent!!

rm_pchamp012004 57M
2672 posts
10/6/2005 6:03 pm

Pure Genius old buddy

bustybettyboop 51F  
59326 posts
7/21/2007 1:05 pm

..just join me on my blog bustybettyboop and still looking for some hot,sexy,creative contestants for my next contest...come join us! need a blog mentor or want to be one?

expatbrit49 64M

7/21/2007 1:54 pm

Hey Ol Pal.... This is coming up as you newest post in July 21 2007... Sheesh.. see all that rooting around around in basements has caused an eruption of old posts... Kind of like a volcanic venting or in this case a blog venting

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

_Truman_ 106M

7/23/2007 10:52 am

But, but, but Keith! I thought travelingintexas was in celbrity rehab? He's been gone for over 6 months! How can he play a part?

Ana_6973 44F

7/24/2007 5:48 pm

Rooting around in your own basement now, are we?

Lol. This was a good one. Definitely worth being the first thing to read on your blog.


~~"I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can't claim innocence."~~

GB_Cple 67M/56F  
3118 posts
12/20/2015 6:14 am

Absolutely brilliant, 'this one should run and run , Daily Mirror.
'Wot No Jeremy Coobyn?' The Daily Telegraph
Trump was a bit fad, and everyone could see he was wearing a wig' NYT
'Watch this space for spoilers, The Sun ( shines out of Murdocks arse)

Love it will see it again and again GB_C & WW2

GB_Cple 67M/56F  
3118 posts
12/20/2015 6:16 am

Erm has it ever occurred to you young man, that you have to much time on your hands??
this should also bump u up the blog list

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
12/20/2015 8:56 am

    Quoting GB_Cple:
    Absolutely brilliant, 'this one should run and run , Daily Mirror.
    'Wot No Jeremy Coobyn?' The Daily Telegraph
    Trump was a bit fad, and everyone could see he was wearing a wig' NYT
    'Watch this space for spoilers, The Sun ( shines out of Murdocks arse)

    Love it will see it again and again GB_C & WW2
Thank you, kind sir. It is gratifying to find you down here in the original as it gave me an opportunity to review all these long lost comments from some old, but not forgotten friends.

keithcancook 61M
18125 posts
12/20/2015 8:59 am

    Quoting GB_Cple:
    Erm has it ever occurred to you young man, that you have to much time on your hands??
    this should also bump u up the blog list
I have been accused on the time issue since the get go, here. I now fear that it is quite possible that you are right!

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