this and that  

julietofverona 45M/45F
178 posts
3/20/2006 3:55 pm

Last Read:
4/10/2006 6:05 am

this and that

Stormy tonight ... thunder so loud it shook the house, brilliant flashes of lightning. I'm sitting on the brick hearth in front of what is likely the last fire of the season. It's cold tonight, the damp in the air accentuating the drop in temperature.

Husband is working late. New job, lots of responsibility. Thankfully, he loves it. For now. There was supposed to be a lot of travel but they're trying to do everything remotely. That's probably a good thing. It'll keep me out of trouble. Not that I'd go looking...

I'm steaming some brown rice that I'll splash a bit of balsamic vinagrette on and call it dinner. Not all that hungry. I have my red currant candles burning, too. Enjoying the quiet of the house, listening to the rain on the rooftop and the crackle of the fire. And a Widmer Hefeweizen. With a big wedge of lemon.

On the recommendation of a therapist we consulted, I picked up a copy of a book called "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work." On page 16 where they are exploring the "Myths of Marriage" it says:

Affairs are the root cause of divorce. In most cases, it's the other way around. Problems in the marriage that send the couple on a trajectory to divorce also send one (or both) of them looking for intimate connection outside the marriage. Most marital therapists who write about extramarital affairs find that these trysts are usually not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, caring, and concern -- the kind of things that marriage is supposed to offer. In probably the most reputable survey ever done on divorce, by Lynn Gigy, Ph.D., and John Kelly, Ph.D., from the Divorce Mediation Project in Corte Madera, California, 80% of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they did not feel loved and appreciated. Only 20 to 27% of couples said an extramarital affair was even partially to blame.

Well. That about sums up my marriage. I seek outside friendships for support, understanding, respect, attention, caring and concern. And my husband feels unloved and unappreciated. Why do I seek friendships outside my marriage? Is it the newness, the act of discovering someone new? The thrill of discovering your similarities, enjoying your differences? Or is my interest in my husband truly dead? Maybe this book will help me figure it out. (heh.) I'll give the guy credit, though. He's not preachy. He doesn't tell me I should ask God where He thinks my marriage should be. And he understands that divorce truly is an eventuality for certain people. It doesn't mean that's the road I necessarily want to go down ... but he's not disillusioned and doesn't seek to disillusion. We had a good weekend, me and my husband. Just taking it one day at a time right now. That's all there is to do.

I received a care package from a friend today. Reaching out to help smooth the rough place I found myself in last week. Books, a beautiful Cross ATX pen ("every writer needs a good pen" ) and spiral bound index cards on which to jot ideas throughout the day. My very dear friend. How very lucky I am.

norprin5 56M

3/21/2006 6:21 am


King Nor XVIII

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
3/26/2006 12:47 pm

Honey, my first thought and my last thought is that your man doesn't have the mind to entice you. There is an emotional and mental depth to you that only someone equal to you in it could satisfy. I've been there and done that. If that's what the marriage is lacking I don't know that you will ever be satisfied in it. It leaves a person always feeling hungry.

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
3/26/2006 1:10 pm

Don't ever lose those parts of yourself, no matter what.

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