and the walls come tumbling down  

julietofverona 45M/45F
178 posts
3/14/2006 2:02 pm

Last Read:
4/9/2007 4:44 am

and the walls come tumbling down


no, i haven't posted in a while.

the things i want to write about i'm afraid to.

instead i'll leave a little snapshot of the joy that fills my days.

it began when i discovered the gnawed remains of the remote control. (dog.)

and, yes, this all transpired via instant fucking message.

me: oh my god
me: i just saw the remote for the dvd player
me: does it work?
husband: no it doesnt
h: i meant to mention that to you this morning, but forgot about it
h: so much going on in my head right now
me: you ok?
h: ive just taken some like super huge tasks at work
h: and i feel overwhlemed
h: and even though you dont want to hear it, im still cloudy with us
me: what do you mean
h: i dont know. i feel lost. feel ..... just feel unloved. i dont know how to describe how i feel
h: i feel like cloudy water
h: its there, and in a certain light it looks beautiful, but when you look directly at it, it's cloudy. not sure what is hidden beneath
me: what can i do?
h: thats just it, i dont know if it is you. i dont know if it is me. i know that i look at you and see that you are unhappy. i wonder if i make you that way. i wonder if i'm over thinking it and my worry and paranoia makes you unhappy, which when you are unhappy makes me unhappy.
h: and the more i think about it, the more miserable i get thinking that you are miserable. and then i look at you again, and ask you how you feel. and you say that you are ok, but that look - it's like...... you are so far away. there's no rope long enough to throw you and pull you back in. i asked you once,
h: if you wanted to leave, or wanted me to leave. and that look....... that look tells me that you're already gone. i guess.....i guess that im struggling with a broken heart that hasn't yet broken. i dont know what im thinking....im just rammbling. just ignore this. i would delete it, but you would be upset. so, im sorry if this upsets you
me: i need to think about this for a few moments
h: will you tell me what is going through your mind?
me: i just...
me: i don't know what to say, because whatever i do say doesnt seem to matter... you continue to pass judgement regardless
h: pass judgement?
me: i tell you i'm ok ... but you believe otherwise
me: i think sometimes that you're more unhappy than i am
h: that may be it. who knows. i know that i dont know. but if nothing is wrong with us, then i dont want to cause something to be wrong with us
h: i feel like my paranoia, worry, control, and just me in general is driving you away from me. i dont want that.
h: am i driving you away?
me: i don't feel like you are happy with me, i feel like i'm walking on eggshels right now
me: i've felt good about things lately, but the fact that you'v[e been so unhappy is ... important.
h: important to you or me?
me: to us
me: maybe its bigger than just me ... maybe you want space or change or ... something, and i'm the convenient excuse or catalyst for you
h: but that's just it...i dont want space. and the only change i want is to come home to you and feel loved.
me: maybe i should go to the bookstore this afternoon and see if i can find something to help me work through my issues
me: help me figure out how to be a better wife
h: what makes you think it is you?
me: you seem only to want a happy loving wife
me: and what you have is a wife who is neither happy nor loving
h: seriously, do i make you happy? do you love me?
h: you there?
me: the question of happiness is the harder question to answer. of course i love you. i think we've just really squashed up our relationship in a lot of ways and that has made both of us unhappy, and unhappy with one another.
me: i think we both harbor a lot of resentment
h: what do you resent me for?
me: i resent you for past wrongs.. for spying on me, not once, maybe not even just twice - who knows, i never will. i resent you for wanting me to sleep with another man and then holding me responsible when it got out of hand. i resent you for being chronically suspicious of me and my actions. i resent that i don't feel like i can be my own person.
me: your turn. what do you resent me for?
me: brb dog
me: back
h: I am currently idle.
h: back myself
h: i dont know that resent is the right word. but grammatically it will work in my sentence. i resent that you rarely touch me - thus me feeling unloved. other than that, i can't think of anything that i would be resentful about.
h: i dont know if this is a resentment, but i feel like you spend more time chatting with your friends online than you do talking to me.
h: im jealous of that. i will admit that
me: i won't chat, then, when you're home
me: or at all if that's waht you want
h: will that make you resent me more?
me: i dont know
h: are you mad at me?
me: no
me: i'm just sort of ... bewildered

norprin5 56M

3/15/2006 2:10 pm

sweet juliet, you are writing my life! the dialogue is a little different but the story is the same...

it's a pile of crap, isn't it? an elephant in the room

don't be afraid when you're here, juliet. write what you want, what you need...

email me if you want, k?

King Nor XVIII


julietofverona 45M/45F
67 posts
3/15/2006 3:47 pm

    Quoting norprin5:
    sweet juliet, you are writing my life! the dialogue is a little different but the story is the same...

    it's a pile of crap, isn't it? an elephant in the room

    don't be afraid when you're here, juliet. write what you want, what you need...

    email me if you want, k?
i was going to email you to thank you for this... but i'm too much of a novice on this site - the blogging being the only tool i use. it seems i have to pay for membership to contact someone? or am i overlooking the obvious...


norprin5 56M

3/16/2006 12:39 pm

you should be able to view my profile, and email me from there...

King Nor XVIII


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