julietofverona 45M/45F
178 posts
3/15/2006 1:29 pm

Last Read:
3/23/2006 5:45 am


things have been bad for a long time. it really took a turn for the worse two years ago when a relationship mentioned briefly in the previous post came to an explosive end when emotions in what was supposed to be a controlled situation grew out of hand.

what do you do when you find out, within the confines of your marriage...with the encouragement of your husband -- fuck. when it's your husband's idea -- that you are capable of developing feelings for another person that dwarf that which you feel for your spouse? yes, yes... it was a particular circumstance under which those feelings evolved. something not very grounded in reality ... something that -- i'll never know -- but i suspect probably would not have been so magic in the light of day. every relationship evolves out of magic and into the humdrum of every day. yes ... but some out there seem to maintain enough of the magic to keep them happy. is that really possible? does it really happen? could that have happened in this situation? i'll never know... he was never mine to lose and all that. so we moved on, each to each. and so began the delicate process of piecing my marriage back together.

i'm not so sure it was ever complete, though. and before all of this i didn't realize there was anything missing. now, though .... now ... now.

now i feel like i am on an endless quest to find that missing piece. its a piece that doesn't exist here between us, between me and my husband. do i give that up? do i give up the part of me that longs for someone who understands my passions ... my love of literature of the arts of theatre, the joy of an intellectual conversation ... someone who challenges me as an individual and doesn't give into every fucking thing i want because they're so afraid of losing me?

i don't want to be his mother. i don't want this heavy burden of dependancy, him to me. i want someone who will argue, challenge, push.... and comfort, understand, love. a reciprocal relationship. a give and take.

is it possible to rediscover this in my marriage? do i try to make him into something he's not? do i compromise by giving up those parts of myself?

i won't even go into our sex life.

suffice to say i have a friend who has decided that rather than giving something up for lent, she and her husband going to get some every day for 40 days. last night when i told my husband how unhappy i am with our sex life, we decided we'd give sex up for the remainder of lent. he, hoping my heart will grow fonder. me grateful for the reprieve from cold, mechanical sex.

we've discussed the option of counselling. there are a few obstacles. i work 7-1, he works 12-9. we are presently uninsured. we are presently living on a tight budget. ... and there's the me obstacle, too. i'm really quite terrible at asking for assistance, even when i need it. i am proud and stubborn. i don't ask for help. and yes. i know. that's no excuse. none of it is. and yet. there it stands.


there it stands.

norprin5 56M

3/15/2006 2:16 pm

'do i try to make him into something he's not?'

'do i compromise by giving up those parts of myself?'

i wish i had some answers, juliet, i really do...

i have been asking the same questions - maybe you read those posts...

*hugs* you're not alone, my sweet

King Nor XVIII

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