The Lighter Side of Sex  

jito8972 62M
1 posts
7/22/2006 11:01 pm
The Lighter Side of Sex

For the lighter side - here are some quotes that I've read and stories I've heard.


This is suppose to have been a true story. You be the judge.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car"


The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?


Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Woody Allen

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
- Jeanne-Marie Roland

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
- Melanie Griffith

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

I was nauseous and tingly all over.
I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"
- Freud

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.
I hope you're getting this down.
- Woody Allen

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
- Melanie Clark

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
- Robert Byrne

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- Author Unknown

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
- Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
- Jay Leno

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Unknown

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
- Quentin Crisp

It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance.
- Elizabeth Taylor

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.
- Unknown

A dirty book is rarely dusty.
- Unknown

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
- Marlene Dietrich

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
- Unknown

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. - Don Schrader

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.
- Henry Louis Mencken

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
- Elton John

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
- Billy Joel

The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
- William Osler

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.
- Truman Capote

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
- Woody Allen

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.
- Louise Sammons

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
- Andy Rooney

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

Sex is emotion in motion.
- Mae West

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
- George Bernard Shaw

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
- John Waters

For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.
- Isabel Allende

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
- Woody Allen

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.
- Thomas Szasz

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- Lily Tomlin

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.
- Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
- Unknown psychology professor in neuropsychology course

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
- Unknown

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about.
- Beverly Mickins

Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset.
- Clare Booth Luce

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.
- Unknown

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
- Unknown

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
- Harlan Ellison

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
- Rita Rudner

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?
- Richard Fleischer

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.
- George Bernard Shaw

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Unknown

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- Unknown

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
- Frederike Ryder

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
- Bob Hope

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Murray Banks

Anticipation makes the hard-on longer.
- Itsby Stevintary

Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease.
- Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.
- Unknown

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
- Jayne Mansfield

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
- Gore Vidal

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
- Unknown

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
- Unknown

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.
- Dorothy Parker

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
- Jay McInerney

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
- Unknown

A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does."
- Honor Tracy

How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.
- Flash Rosenberg

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- Gloria Leonard

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. - Matt Groening

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- P.J. O'Rourke

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
- unknown

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
- Alexander Woollcott

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
- Cary Grant

My message to businessmen of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife.
- Edwina Currie

AND! - Last but not least, my favorite:

Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.
- Dr. Floyd Martinson


I hope some of these gave you a chuckle as much as they did me!


rm_sheep27 50F
2 posts
10/14/2006 7:31 pm

lol, i liked that story and you never know.

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