there is a devil waiting outside your door  

jenniferfreak200 37F
3 posts
8/19/2006 7:54 am
there is a devil waiting outside your door

Ever laid next to someone and feel so far away? I never thought I would need someone, not like this. I’ve lived all my life alone, known little to no touch, no hugs, kiss, too. My childhood was dark, but I never remember being lonely- I just accepted that this was how my family was- loved or not- physical attention just wasn’t a priority.
In all my (whopping 3 relationships/sexual partners {not including last one}) I still never knew loneliness. I’ve been smothered, been pushed around, but never felt lonely until now. The being used I can stand, the being lied to just really pisses me off, but I can’t deal with this feeling of being out in the middle of no where while a lover holds me in his arms. The fact that its not me he wishes to be there doesn’t help. It’s just sex, right?
Two consenting adults matching physical needs, but I’m left empty. I’ve been empty for so long that I’ve almost grown accustomed to it. I actually dreamt about a man that provides me with warmth, security, loyalty, honesty, and every warm spots in between. It’s never sexual, just comfort and strong arms to keep me afloat. When I wake up I’m disappointed- Where did he go? Where can I find him again?
I’ve never known loneliness, yet this lover seems to stay. Weakens me to temptation I almost fell into, but Karma kept me from leaping into his arms- just as wicked as the arms I was trying to flee. They don’t love me, why hold me? It’s nothing to you and does nothing for me- why pretend?
I’m trying to be strong, trying to push him away but I’m having trouble fighting the two (him and loneliness) and eventually both overwhelm me and I’m right back where I started- a 1000 miles away in the arms of someone wishing I was someone else.
Why can’t they see that sometimes these things are so prevalent that even someone as blind as me can see it’s not me- just a physical need being met by one party, while another get’s neglected. Doesn’t matter. The circle will not break until I learn to deal with my emotions, trust, and the little dragon called “loneliness.” That is the devil waiting outside my door… and he has only one need and that’s to feed off of what little I have left. Bad devil. Stupid me.

Become a member to create a blog