My Vagina Monologue....  

rm_impish_pixie 55F
2106 posts
2/13/2006 8:53 pm

Last Read:
10/20/2014 2:47 pm

My Vagina Monologue....

I will never forget the look on my Mother’s face the day I finally found the courage to tell her that I had been repeatedly molested by our neighbor, Hansel Sawyer. Yes…that was his name. I haven’t changed it, for he is not innocent. But this post is ultimately not about him, I only name him because it is good to name the devil and take away his power.

It only took me 35 years to work up the courage. Or perhaps it was because he was finally dead and no longer offered a threat to me or mine. Or perhaps it was that those last eight months of therapy had finally paid off and the fear and the shame were gone. That’s how they do it you know. That’s how they steal innocence. Hansel used to tell me that if I said anything to anyone he would kill my whole family. He would wait until we were all asleep, he’d come in the kitchen, he’d get the butcher knife’s and go room to room killing them, if I said anything to anybody. At six years old you believe it. You do not question it. I was a sleep walker, I’ve always wondered why no one thought it strange that when I walked in my sleep I would gather together all the knives in the house, take them outside and bury them in the garden? Or that I was obsessed with the thought of death so much that at the age of eight I had to have sleeping pills to go to sleep.

When I was ten, and perhaps gaining a bit of my rebellion, he chose to remind me of his threats and keep me in line by showing up at our back door one night and scaring my Mom as she opened the door to let the dog out. Oh he had a good excuse, but I knew. I knew what he was doing. He was reminding me that I was powerless. He was reminding me he was the all powerful adult and I was just the child.

When those tricks ceased to scare me anymore, he turned his tactics to shame. He had my mind so screwed up, thinking it was my fault. Thinking I had actually wanted him to do those things to me. Thinking my parents, (whom I knew loved me deeply), would be so disappointed in me. It was my fault for coming to his house, it was my fault for wearing those cute little short suits that little kids wear in the summer….oh God…his sickness knew no bounds.

I carried that fear and shame for years, right into my adult life. I never uttered a word to anyone. I kept my little secret wrapped tightly inside so that no one would ever see the ugliness that I knew was there. The only problem with this is that eventually, like a nasty splinter it will puss up and demand to be pushed out. No warnings, no gentle “honey, it’s time to clean house now” messages, no, just a putrid pustulance that rares up and must be expelled. And it hurts. It makes your heart break and your soul scream. But if you have the right “guide” to walk with you and guide you ‒ there truly is nothing sweeter than coming out on the other side with a strength that you didn’t know you have, and a sure knowledge that you are a SURVIVOR. His victim no more. It is sweet, sweet, sweet.

Since that time, I have had several conversations with my mother about it. She has felt guilt, she has asked herself a thousand times, “why didn’t I know, what could I have done differently?” I have come to understand as a mother myself that she too was his victim. He took something precious from both of us. We have cried together, and, we have healed together. I am no longer haunted by the ugliness of that monster. I am no longer held prisoner by a guilt that was never mine to carry. Freedom is a beautiful thing.

It is true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. For some of us, it makes us more determined to fight against that which would have imprisoned us. It makes us reach out to others who might be stumbling along the pathway and offer to hold the light so that they might find their way. I do this as a Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline Counselor. I am a volunteer. I will hold the light for you; I will cry with you, I will hold your hand. You only have to take the first step and call me. There is strength in our numbers. There is healing in the telling. Don’t be afraid.

This is my Vagina Monologue. This is my triumph. I urge you to get involved…in any way you can.

RAINN National Network Hotline Number ‒ 800-656-4673
Family Violence & Sexual Assault ‒ 800-838-8238
Child Abuse ‒ 800-552-7096
Legal Assistance: It Happened To Alexis Foundation ‒ 716-754-9105

Background Info on V-Day ‒ The Vagina Monologues
Night after night I heard the same stories -- women being as teenagers, in college, as little girls, as elderly women; women who had finally escaped bring beaten to death by their husbands; women who were terrified to leave; women who were taken sexually, before they were even conscious of sex, by their stepfathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, mothers and fathers.... Slowly it dawned on me that nothing was more important than stopping violence toward women."

This realization led in 1997 to the founding of V-Day, a nonprofit grass roots movement dedicated to ending violence against women around the world. In three years, V-Day has spread to over 300 colleges, where students and faculty have performed The Vagina Monologues on V-Day, February 14th, as part of a movement to stop violence against women. V-Day has raised over 3 million dollars which it has given to organizations fighting for the rights of women in Afghanistan, to stop genital mutilation in Kenya, and crisis centers in Bosnia, Croatia, and Chechnya, as well as hundreds of domestic programs to combat and abuse. Thanks to V-Day, The Vagina Monologues has been taken to 20 countries, including China, South Africa, The Philippines, Brazil and Turkey.

To learn more about V-Day, please visit www.vday.org.

Eve Ensler


I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


Vincent_Omnia 48M

2/13/2006 10:47 pm

So proud, and so grateful. I will never understand how such evil can reside in the hearts of men, but it is truly empowering to know that ultimately, eventually, when the dust clears -- victory is to the strong and the good.

I'll contact you offline to find out how I can help.

xoxo
Vince


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
53F

2/13/2006 10:54 pm

*hugs*

thank you for sharing with us, and for your strength and courage...

TTFN


curious082385 32F
4925 posts
2/14/2006 1:44 am

With tear filled eyes....thank you, thank you, thank you.


rm_mtnravyn 61M
890 posts
2/14/2006 4:01 am

Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.
Albert Einstein

Thank you for your post


MillsShipsGayly 53M

2/14/2006 4:57 am

I just can't imagine ... and it seems so fucking prevalent - just pisses me off.

Going to go to the website and thank you for this post. Hugs

Michael


aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
2/14/2006 6:41 am

I'm so very sorry that happend to you! I'm very proud that you're doing something about it and helping others!


rm_oceanman5 57M
7 posts
2/14/2006 9:24 am

Hope that you continue to find healing and that Grandma's quilt stays a warm safe place.... Shocking...Women as slaves still very big on this planet in too many places. Back from mountains now Lots to read today


MaggiesWishes 61F

2/14/2006 3:30 pm

A woman's heart holds many secrets.
AND it takes courage to let go of the demon.
I'm proud of you, Pixie!
NO ONE, child, teen or woman should have to suffer abuse.

huggies!


rm_impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/14/2006 6:00 pm

Vincent - Every living creature has the capacity to be evil - it is up to us to choose. I tend to beleive that most of us choose to be "good". Evil will always prey upon the defenseless...because in truth evil is a coward. Get involved...this is how things change.

RedLips - Thank you - I am able to share because it no longer holds power over me. It is important to share...it is important to reach out. Hugs are always welcome.

Curious - You're welcome. **Gentle Hugs Sweetie**

Mtnravyn - And Thank You for your words. You never cease to make me smile.

Michael - Sadly enough, it is prevalent in not only our society, but worldwide. 1 out of 4 women that you know personally has experienced the same thing. Though this site predominately focus's on women...the same thing applies to men. Thank you so much for going to the website - knowledge is the most powerful defense. Hugs back...and thanks!

aascrompn - Thank you - I am one of the lucky ones. With the help, love and support of some very special people I was able to let go of the stigma and as strange as it sounds I now wear my scars with pride. I could do no less than reach my hand out to someone else. Get involved....the rewards are far greater than the sacrifices.

Oceanman - Granma's quilt is always a safe haven when the world crowds in. Welcome back.

Maggie - You're so right in everything you say. This is why a woman's heart is such a precious thing. Demon's, I have learned, are at heart really cowards - the courage comes when you least expect it and most need it. We can make a change. Just step out there and make your voice heard. **Big Huggies**

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


_Safira 55F
11260 posts
2/14/2006 7:19 pm

Love you, Sister Wind ... with all my heart. xoxox, Sister Fire

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
2/14/2006 9:27 pm

Standing in the gap and holding the space for healing..always.
Appreciating your courage and willingness to remember so that
others can step into the light without fear...we all know that
love is the healer and that you are pure love, my friend

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


southrnpeach333 52F

2/14/2006 9:36 pm

I am in awe of your courage. I will visit the website and see what I can do.


MyRealLoverOne 47M

2/14/2006 10:17 pm

Sweetie, you touched my soul by sharing this with us. I applaud you for the steps you took to seek healing and to turn this nightmare into a strength and blessing for others. You are a hero in my book! My God bless you as you serve others!

RL~


tillerbabe 57F

2/14/2006 10:58 pm

Love you Sister Wind.... , Sister River {=}


kyplowboy22 63M

2/15/2006 9:28 am

You're a true life hero, kid....proud to cal you my good friend. Later

kpb


rm_impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/15/2006 4:31 pm

Safira & Tills - It is precisely because of the love and acceptance that I can write this story with no fear. Fire, so cleansing, The River, so healing - once again the wind is free.

Goddess - I thank you for your words. Love is the healer - may I always stand ready in love to hold someone and bear the light. This is what it's all about.

MyREal - No sweetie. No hero's here. Just someone who got pissed and decided that "he" would no longer fragment me, and then got really lucky when someone stepped foward to guide me. I can do no less.

Awww damn Unc Obi wan Kentuck - you're not supposed to get mushy with me...but I would return that "mushy" with a simple thank you. The feeling is entirly mutual. Late.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


oldman1776 80M
3164 posts
2/16/2006 4:46 pm

You sweet lady are a brave strong woman.


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
2/17/2006 6:42 pm

I can only say WOW and thank you for sharing this..it couldn't have been easy. Thank you for all you do to stop these horrible acts.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/18/2006 11:19 am

MzHuny - Thank you - it's not bravery so much as healing. My life is to full now for poison to rot in it.

Oldman - (and I hate calling you that...cause you're just not an "old" man)...Thank you for your kind sweet words. Strength shows up when you least expect it. Usually it's when you've finally found the courage to move...

Niki- In sharing...it opens the door for others to heal. Keeping quiet only breeds hurt. Thank you for stopping by.

Slide - I never feel like it's enough - but I'm here for a reason. Perhaps someone will be helped because of my sharing.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


JudeL5 47M  
1596 posts
2/19/2006 2:00 pm

Of the women who I have talked with since separating, your story is too common... details are different but the theme is the same.

Control, fear, shame, not feeling safe to talk with the people who should be "safe".

I'm sorry for what he took from you, and glad to her where you are at now


rm_impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/20/2006 10:18 am

Jude - unfortunately it is way too common. Hopefully my generation has been a bit more informed and we have in some way protected our children - but it is widespread. Thank you for your sweet support. What I gained in the knowledge of myself, far outweighs what he "took" from me. blesses...

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
2/26/2006 10:01 am

Just here standing beside you

Best wishes

Always


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


rm_litetouchtoo 50M
9 posts
3/4/2006 12:31 am

Good for You!


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