hotkris68 49M/45F
14 posts
8/18/2006 7:51 am

Today I’ve been thinking about moments of lust. How much control does the average person have? Is it more than we think, or less than we think? We all hold certain impulses in, probably all the time. I mean, we hold our tongue when a friend doesn’t need to know the whole truth. We avoid telling a boss, or a coworker, what we really think. And sometimes, when we feel the attraction to someone new, we avoid acting on it.

For better? Or for worse?

Those words, albeit, out of context, sometimes haunt me. My impulses drive me in two almost completely different directions. The rational, well-grounded side of my nature is usually in control. I manage by fact in my job. I supervise employees who work on instinct, but the decisions are based on fact. This doesn’t rule out the occasional overruling based on a purely emotional level. However, generally the better side of my nature rules.

I’m not so sure this side rules my personal life. I deny myself little. It’s kind of a work hard / play hard motto. I want to go out, I go out. I want to party, I party. I want to fuck, I fuck. It’s when the two sides cross that my problems begin. I try too hard to compartmentalize these two areas. It’s no wonder it causes conflict. That, of course, is the least of my problems.

Sex. It’s always about sex, isn’t it? I know sometimes I obsess about it. If I were a man it would be acceptable. For a woman it can be the most grievous of sins. It is getting better, but there’s still the little voice at the back of your head that tells you ‘nice girls don’t’. Over the years I’ve managed to beat the little voice into the darkest corners of my mind. She doesn’t even get her fifteen minutes much anymore. Of course, I’ve managed to do this by setting up some ground rules. You know, things like:

- no married men
- no coworkers
- no neighbours
- no sex with people you don’t like

There are probably a few more I can’t recall, but those are pretty good for a start. The one about coworkers, and neighbours, is an intense aversion to the armed camp feel after a breakup with someone you can’t avoid. They are very sensible rules, but sometimes the hardest to hold.

I’m not sure why I’m writing all this. I suppose it wouldn’t be a bad start to a story. I spent most of the afternoon fighting an attraction to someone I work with, although he’s not normally at our location. At least he’s not married. I’ve done this before, in almost the same situation. An affair at arm’s length can be handled in a more civilized manner. Of course, all of this doesn’t account for standing within touching distance for a couple of hours. The desire to touch, to pull close, to get away from the business and let your emotions take over is overpowering.

Then you move to his hotel for a little while. A companionable drink, keeping a friend company in a strange city... it just seems to reasonable. The bar is noisy, you move closer, hands brush lightly every now and then. Tonight however, the rational side of my brain kicked in. I came home, after a few quick touches under my clothing in the dark parking lot.

I decided that masturbation was probably a better choice. For tonight at least...

Yes, it’s a bit of a tease. If I ever take it further I’d fictionalize it and add a little dialogue. The meeting at work would be expanded, and deal with the emotions of the moment during the day. Perhaps the main character would make her decision very early on, before the bar. Or it’s possible the barriers would be broken down after hours. It makes for an interesting dilemma, don’t you think?

That’s my thoughts for tonight people. G’night.

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