Never underestimate the value of a relationship.....lonely sucks!  

horizon3two5 42M
15 posts
6/16/2006 6:50 pm

Last Read:
8/26/2006 12:26 am

Never underestimate the value of a relationship.....lonely sucks!

Loneliness Sucks!!

At this point nobody cares how my life is, until I found a small space on this blog. I deserve every painful minute. Thanks.

I have lost everything including my integrity and dignity. I am 31 and am separated mercilessly sprinting to divorce. Up until Memorial day, 9 years of marriage and three kids, I led a double life. One side, I was the ultimate suburban Dad. I went to church, President of a 1.5 million dollar company that I started, and a seemingly white picket fence family.

The other, my exwife and I struggled with sex. I wanted it more, perhaps 2 times a week and some creativity. She viewed sex as an after thought and never felt fullfilled doing it. With the frustration building and once a month token sex, I justified myself into going to strip clubs and dabbled in chats with other women. Although I never met one for sex. To be fair, I called escorts occasionally when one of us was out of town.

My life crashed when my then wife found the chats on my computer. The last three weeks have been hell to say the least. I am living in our company apartment, my now ex wife called a board meeting to relieve me of my company and has consoled me with an $800.00 allowance. The church I attended has excommunicated me and this weekend I am not allowed to see the children, they kicked it off by going to San Diego on vacation.

What have I learned:
1- Don't fuck up a good thing
2- Relationships are more rewarding than one night stands
3- What hell feels like
4- Humility
5- Owning up to my mistakes

Some other thoughts:
I am actually relieved in some way. I can now move forward and lead an honest life. I found my self in all of the pain and agony. I now know what I want in life, without any religous, or youthful comittal guile. It's refreshing and painful all at the same time.

It still hurts and I imagine it will be there for as long as I can treat someone right.

Mermaidslut 51F

7/6/2006 10:44 pm

This isn't hell. This is falling out of an ivory tower. A new birth, your first breath. A neccesity to have the new found freedom to live a life that is no longer completely insulated from feelings cause by living life on your own terms.

horizon3two5 replies on 7/6/2006 11:42 pm:
HI there Mermaid,

Your comment rings so true. I have found myself all over again.

Incidentally as a followp, I am back as President of the company I started, as they could not see any long term success without its founder, and I am enjoying my time exploring the freedom I have.

I am also learning new things, Guitar Lessons,Spanish Lessons ( I never knew I had time to do all this previously!) lol. I am also enjoying logging my travels thru this blog.

Thanks for viewing it.

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