aspects of identity  

herupakhered 42T
6 posts
8/23/2006 4:50 am

Last Read:
9/22/2006 3:08 am

aspects of identity

I thought about my handle a bit before choosing one of the hypothesized Egyptian forms of the name of Harpocrates (as I understand it, the vowels are guesswork).

My first thought was to use the ancient Hebrew word for a male religious prostitute from the cults of Ishtar and Inanna. There were two problems with this. The first is that I had trouble actually deciphering how the word should be declined from its stem, "kadesh." The second is that since my best guess was that "kadesh" was basically it, there would be confusion with the Egyptian goddess of sex, who, while interesting in her own right, wasn't what I was after. So my hopes for something with the ultimate connotation of "whore" were dashed (in the Bible, it's typically translated as "harlot").

My second thought was to go Greek, of course. The whole system back then was about who penetrated whom as opposed to straight, gay, bi, or whatever, which certainly would've described me better. A male bottom or receiver was called a "pathikos," which I suspect literally translates as "sicko," an added bonus, so I thought about using that, too. I've actually forgotten why I decided against it, and now wish I'd have used that instead.

For whatever reason, I went in for the god of secrecy and silence, Harpocrates. Trouble is, that was taken and I didn't want a numerical suffix. So, in an almost knee-jerk reaction, I chose an Egyptian name for him. There is a bit of irony there as I don't actually have much of anything in the way of secrets to keep. The driving notion was that identities are slightly concealed here, to the extent that it shouldn't really be possible to track someone down unless they give out personal information. That's a bit unusual for me, though I do understand other people have to deal with stalkers, so that's how Herupakhered came about. Well, that, and I don't actually talk much in person in most circumstances.

After that, it was largely a matter of filling in the personal information of various sorts requested. Of course, I've bumped up against my lack of audio and video equipment early on, but I'll get around to having things suitable for photo, video, and audio capture overnighted eventually. The sort of computer accessories I've spent money on to date are so obscure I'd probably have to write a long exposition of what they are and how they're used if I tried to explain them any further than having something to do with programming. Of course, the reason I don't just have them overnighted immediately is because I'm horribly ashamed of how I've let myself go. Still, I'll likely force myself to put up things anyway even before I'm cleaned up and leave them around as before and after sorts of affairs in albums or some such if I don't replace them outright.

One thing that struck me as interesting was the personality type test. It appears to be based on four preconceived axes on which you're rated either one way or the other, which is a relatively simple methodology. The first thing that sprang to mind upon seeing this was, of course, the sorts of political survey affairs that have been going around where predetermined axes are abandoned in favor of axes determined empirically via principal components analysis or linear discriminant analysis and affairs such as multi-dimensional scaling and k-means clustering are used to empirically determine categories.

The inspiration for this sort of observation was not entirely mental masturbation regarding methodology. I did fit the general category of INTP; however, it was clear to me that there were many subtleties not accounted for that may affect the conclusions. For instance, the description of me as an "introvert," while accurate in the broad sense, doesn't capture the fact that in certain situations, not all of them having to do with drunkenness, I do become very talkative. Another thing is that while I want to go around for adventures or socialization, I tend to need someone to take the initiative and so I act as a tag-along, which has some bearing on the matches. In short, I was thinking about more precise categorizations and matches, though not very seriously, as these things are a bit large to fit in suggestion boxes.

One of the larger instances of my not fitting properly into the usual categories was with sexual fantasies. I use memories where most others construct fantasies out of whole cloth, so there was almost an entire section of additional responses I had to punt on. It's also difficult to describe in any length favorite sexual experiences that consisted largely of touch sensations, motions, and words I either couldn't understand or don't remember, so I even had to punt on that.

All that said, I'm still not sure what to say to "Who am I?" I mostly don't care, versus being confused or whatever. On the other hand, when I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself. I still expect to see the twink or boi or whatever I was 10 years ago, and instead there's some flabby, hairy slob with messy hair and a 3-day beard wearing exercise pants and a pocket tee staring back at me. When I look in the mirror, it makes me sick to my stomach to think I look like that. When I look in the mirror I want to scream, "That is not me!"

It's not vanity. It's not nostalgia. It's not fear of old age. It's about taking care of myself instead of neglecting myself. It's about being myself.

silverhawk762 52M/49F

8/23/2006 6:34 am

Sounds like there's quite a bit of "not yet comfortable with yourself" as a person - not just your appearance, but with where you are on a mental level. I've learned that things change on a daily basis. More white hairs spring up at the temples every time I look - not much I can do about it, other than know that this is part of my life, now.

I still expect to see the girl I was, sometimes, but I rather enjoy being what I am now - a very strong, very sensual adult, no matter what age I happen to be. Why should I fit into anyone else's categories? I fit in my own. I am all that I need to be now, and will be more when it becomes necessary to be more, because I'm still alive, and still learning and growing.

herupakhered replies on 8/23/2006 3:22 pm:
There is indeed quite a bit of discomfort with myself as a person. So I've developed all these schemes to "fix it," and denial is probably a substantial part of that. I have no idea where this is all going, but I'm hoping looking better will help me feel better. Or at least that going on a diet, getting my teeth fixed, eyes lasered, etc. won't hurt.

silverhawk762 52M/49F

8/23/2006 8:06 pm

I dunno - I think maybe a little bit of self-acceptance has to come first before you go the whole "change me to be comfortable" route. You can neglect yourself on the inside as well as the outside - you're overthinking the appearance, and not thinking enough about what and who you actually want to be on the inside.

velvetgrrrl 40F

9/18/2006 6:09 pm

Your self image about yourself is quite distorted. I'm also guessing it is largely based on what has been and not what is now. Don't dwell too much on the past as history as a bad habit of repeating itself time and time again and is not just in a general sense of the word but a personal sense. We all have made the same mistakes time and time again.

Like I said before, you should be comfortable with who you are and not with who you were. I had this same blog post in mine at one point. Where i wanted to better myself for me and I realized as I sort of stuck to it by slowly making changes vs cold turkey I'm finally seeing it myself.

I'm with you on things, I won't do any laser surgeries for my terrible eyes but dammit I look good in glasses.

I can only hope that I look good in braces at 29.

Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.

Become a member to create a blog