Behind not so closed doors  

herotherside 42F
395 posts
5/20/2006 8:27 pm
Behind not so closed doors

A collection of past blog entries:

My Four Men Sunday February 19, 2006 - 03:31pm

I'm not even sure where to begin this entry mainly because I'm not quite sure just where my yesterday began. Guess I'll start on a little background of the four men in my life. I got engaged to T last year, thought I could grow to love him, though I had hoped not to. Love is one of those chapters in my life which I plan on keeping in my past with no intentions of revisiting, although I know I could make millions if I sell my stories to a country singer. He loves me the same way I love C. It is an unmistakable unbiased hung-over-the-towel-rack kind of love. C is the type of guy who can charm his way into any heart with a wink and a smile. He's the one your Mama never warned you about but you now wish she had of. J and I have no romantic chemistry, but here and there we engage in a cosmic kiss and lately have found ourselves locked in moments of affection that pass within a few seconds. Don't know what those have been about. H and I have what is becoming to be a love/hate relationship. He is beginning to love me and I am hating him for it. Don't need this right now.

How each one was acquired is a story for another day.

Anyhow, I stumbled upon this strong feeling of loneliness some time a few nights ago and decided I wanted company. Seemed like the solution was simple - pick up the phone and call someone. I didn't. Instead, I wallowed in my loneliness and just when I felt I was drowning in it, I hear the oh so familiar sound of my Kyocera cordially informing me I have a message. After about twenty minutes I decided to get off my rump and see who was signaling my attention. Don't really care to detail it. Funny thing is, when I started to write this, detailing my day was my whole purpose. Now that I am sitting here recalling it, I seem to be getting angry all over again. make a long story short...or rather, not as long...I was in a bad mood and managed to purposely piss off everyone in my path as I was looking for a good argument. Think I got one? F%#$ NO!! Each person corrected any and every situation to make things all better and then called later to see how I was doing. Okay, it took J a day and a half to talk to me again, but after what I said to him, as he got it the worst, I'm surprised he cared to talk to me at all. I sure wasn't going to initiate communication with him. I can't lie. By the time my need for fight was over, I was a bit afraid of the backlash I would get from him. I figured I would let it blow over until he's ready. But there was no lashing out at all. He came over late last night, asked the twenty questions, (I was getting ready for a date) told me I "looked good" and said "have fun" and then, what seemed like an intentional act to me, kissed my lipstick off at the door. I didn't bother reapplying as it might tip him off that he was now wearing Clinique Raspberry Glace himself. Yeah Baby, YOU have a good night! Sitting here now, I see I have chosen my few friends wisely. They're so darn sweet. I have some apologizing and ass kissing to do.

But back to the other night, I was leading up to the way it ended.

I took off the necklace from T and put it in my jewelry box, stopped in the kitchen to empty the ashtray and noticed the four different types of butts, all of the same brand. On my way out I smelled the flowers from H. Once I stepped in the bedroom, I became mesmerized by J's Calvin Klein cologne that just seems to linger and taunt me. I got in bed, cuddled up with C's work shirt. As I laid there motionless, I listened to my emotions argue among themselves. As I laid there in silence I noticed what looked to be a ghostly figure of an old man standing in the corner. I vowed not to let him frighten me and decided he was welcomed to stay or roam freely about as long as he didn't make any noise or scare me in any way. I assume he accepted my invitation because shortly after, I thought I felt his presence as he sat besides me. As I laid there, I thought about all that took place in my day and then wondered what the heck just bit me on my forearm because it was stinging like hell.

Another day in the life... Sunday February 19, 2006 - 08:50pm

You know, I took a good look at the picture I have up of me and it looks like I'm missing a few teeth. I need to fine tune my scanner. I do have all teeth. As a matter of fact, just got my top wisdom teeth back in November. Yup, I'm growing up. For some reason there is a third top one that keeps poking out and then hiding on me again. Wish it would stop playing with my emotions because it hurts like hell. I chew gum all day like a cow to soothe it and find that I bite my fingers at night which I could only assume is for the same reason. Not looking forward to the bottom ones coming in (if they choose to) but I could stand to lose a few more pounds. What took them this long to show up is beyond my comprehension. I've been doing fine with the twenty eight I have, don't really see the need for any more but I guess when I age I will be thankful for the "extras."

J just left. He spent the last four hours here with me. Now there is yet another beer spilled on my floor. It's alright. Stuff like that doesn't bother me. At least this time we didn't almost burn the place down. I still have no idea where those Mc Donald's napkins came from anyway. However, I do remember rushing to the restroom with them up in flames. Now we just turn on the light instead of going for the candles. I realized I'd miss him if he were gone. He's my buddy. I can always count on him to wait for that one night that comes every three or four months when I fall into that good deep sleep to call me about three in the morning to see what I'm doing. I can count on him to pick up the wrong type of cigarettes for me when he stops at Circle K on his way over. I can count on him to call ME at 4:30 in the morning to tell me that HE is up and is about to get ready for work. I can count on him to ask the wheres, whens, who's, and what time are you going to be home questions before critiquing my style when I go out on a date. I can also count on him to flash me a smile when I need one, to be a hard shoulder when I am down on myself, to be on the other end of the line when I call him at 4:30 in the morning on a day when he doesn't have to be up until five to tell him to have a good day, and to let me be the first to hear about how his dates turned out.

I'd go crazy without him being around. Now it wasn't always like this. He used to drive me crazy when he was around. I quickly learned that the two of us can not sleep in my twin sized bed together. Took about three weeks for the bruises to completely disappear. I think he needs to sit down with a psychologist and figure out who the heck he keeps fighting in his sleep. It's okay Darling. Just let it come to the surface so we can get to the bottom of the real issue at hand - at least before I end up with a black eye.

Not really sure what was in that SOBE Elixir I had this morning that has gotten me in such a sharing mood today. I could also have been the Clorox I cleaned the bathroom with. Who knows.

Justification needed Tuesday February 21, 2006 ‒ 12:45pm

Some time late last night I went to take a shower so I could go to sleep. It's just one of those things I am a bit compulsive about. I don't like to get in my bed with the days pollutants trapped on my body. I also will not leave the house in the morning until I have been refreshed once again. So, last night, as I was rinsing the conditioner out of hair, I was abruptly disrupted by the sound of J's voice asking in a sarcastic tone "Again?" I poked my head out to greet him with a quick hello kiss and continued on with my rinsing. A few minutes later I turned the water off and reached for my lavender towel, stepped out of the tub, passed behind him (he was standing over the toilet shaking off the drip) and then stopped mid step to turn around. I just stood there. And I stared. And I grinned. And I just stared. Caught myself starring when he looked up at me, turned around and headed to the bedroom to dry off. I don't mean dry off as in wiping the water off of me either. He couldn't stay since he had to get up early for work so a few minutes later he kissed me goodbye and headed for the door. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to reach out and scout his body with my hands. But I didn't. I just stood there clutching that lavender towel in my hands and just staring at him. I know he saw the hunger in my eyes when he chuckled, looked down, back at me, and then back towards the bedroom. "You're gonna make me lose my job. I have to get some sleep. See you tomorrow?" Still no words would surface from me. I just shook my head up and down, walked him to the door, and locked it behind him.

What the HELL was that about??

Was there some sort of subliminal message tapped across his dick that read YOU WANT ME that my weak mind failed to ignore?

When my legs were finally able to move, I walked back into the bedroom still dripping wet both from the shower and from the unspoken solicitation still displayed in my eyes. I started to dry off and I allowed my mind to drift. Ten minutes later realized I was rubbing my skin raw so I went and hung up the towel, wrapped my hair up in a bun, and climbed into bed. Just after I pulled the comforter over me, I decided I wanted a cigarette. Now let me stop right here to go into this "deciding" logistic. Yeah, somewhere in this decision making, there is a symbolic logic. Every night for the past seven years, I have "decided" I want to smoke a cigarette just after pulling the comforter over myself. It is not something I do on a whim. It is part of my bedtime routine, hence the ashtray on the night stand. Now let's talk about this ashtray. I used to have a rule about not smoking inside. If I wanted to smoke bad enough I would have to put on some clothes and step outside the front door. Being such the loyal customer I am, Marlboro sent me a heavy grade stainless steel ashtray. Since then, I have used their gift with pride. I carry it from the bedroom, to the living room, and back to the bedroom at the end of the day so I know it will be there when I "decide" to pollute my lungs just after I pull know the story.Now, every time I step in the front door, I am religiously greeted with the aroma of old cigarette smoke. My sincere thanks to Marlboro. Try sending me a free carton next time. So going back to last night, I noticed the bright red 1:03 looking back at me so I set the alarm for 4:30 figuring someone is going to need a wakeup call. I, just like every smoker, searched around for a few minutes for a lighter, lit the end of a product that was about to bring 3.7 minutes of pure unadulterated pleasure, reached out only to find that my handy dandy heavy grade stainless steel gift from Marlboro is not in place for me to carry on.

FIVE MINUTES!!!! That boy was here for five minutes!! In that five minutes he some how managed to leave me with an unjust unsatisfied sexual craving and a disrupted bedtime routine. How does he do it? And I forgot mention that he left the toilet seat up! Was he trying to flush my chi down the toilet? Someone please help me understand.

Thinking back to that old man in the dark... Wednesday February 22, 2006 - 10:28pm

My grandfather died. It made me think of the old man I saw in the dark that sat besides me the other night. I guess he sent one of his buddies to deliver a message to me but I must have missed it while I was busy filing my thoughts for the night. I got six phone calls from area codes I do not recognize. When I get around to it, I'll look them up. I didn't answer any of the calls and no one left a message so it wasn't family. I didn't answer the calls I knew where from my family either as I did not want to get caught up in the drama. There has always been controversial hostility wherever my grandfather was involved. Some learned to let the situations go a long time ago, but my mother is one of the those that puts on the hostile armor when she feels need.

Thursday March 9, 2006

I could not sleep. I rolled around and around. Sat up, laid back down. Smoked a cigarette, laid back down. Played with myself, smoked a cigarette, checked the auctions on Ebay, laid back down. Got up to take some Nyquil, smoked a cigarette, played again, rolled around some more, watched the clock yell it's silent but bold red numbers at me. I was anxious just to get up and get my day going so it would hurry and come to an end and I could get back in bed. I got out of bed at 4:30, decided that was too early for noise so I read the news online. About 5, I rearranged the boxes and cans in the kitchen cabinets. I washed the dish rack and all the dishes that had sat for days staring at me each time I passed them. I wiped down the counters, cleaned the oven. As I was cleaning out the freezer I decided to cook. I sliced, I diced, I julienned. I poured, I dipped, I mixed. Dinner was finished by 8:30 so I decided to make breakfast.

I knew what was keeping me up and yet I could not find a way to think around it and just get some sleep. All I want to do is sleep but it keeps on escaping my grasp. Somewhere around 10:30 breakfast was done so I decided to do laundry. I separated everything by color and put them in bags. Last thing I remember I was sitting on the floor looking at a bottle of Tide, wondering where the Snuggle was buried, listening to Diamond Rio telling me to Imagine That. About 2:30 I woke up covered by a pair of jeans and two shirts,White Snake asking me “Is This Love?” and I was straddling a Hefty bag full of clothes. I thought I was falling off of my bed. I looked around to try to figure out where I was, looked around to make sure there wasn't a man around because I was naked and I didn't feel like trying to figure out his name, but prayed that somewhere around was a beautiful woman. No one there, just me, so I preceded to pull that pink shirt back over my shoulders and laid my head back down. It was then that I realized I didn't have any pink sheets and that there was a plastic bag stuck to the side of my face. I jumped up quickly to once again try to figure out where I was and after about eight minutes figured out what happened and spent the next ten minutes laughing at myself. Let me tell you, that was some good sleep. I felt wide awake, like I had slept all night. Now I know to go and straddle a bag of dirty laundry when I can't sleep. I still have no idea how I went from sitting on the floor to being on top of that bag but who cares. I had finally gotten some sleep. Time to go make some muffins!

Tuesday March 21, 2006

C stayed with me last night. He got up early as usual to head off to work. I never felt him get out of bed, so I looked at him funny when he came to kiss me goodbye trying to figure out why he was dressed. I got out of bed about an hour after he left, went online for a few hours to sort out files, cleaned up just a little (didn't have to much motivation in this department today) and then headed to the bathroom to get get ready for my day. Before I even stepped in the door, I saw it. There it was. I stood there in shock. Didn't know what to do.


How long has this been the case? How much of my chi had it managed to suck down? What do I do? Can it be undone? Do I have to throw salt over one shoulder while chanting "chi" backwards three times? Burn a roll of dried dill? Drain all the water out of it? WHAT???!???!?

Then I decided.

It wasn't going to get the best of me!!

I want me chi back, and I want it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I marched in there, looked at the tiger's mouth hungrily sucking down as much of my chi as it could, and shut off its supply. I gave it a few choice words in stern a voice, demanded it give me back what it had taken as it was rightfully mine, collected any dignity I could possibly have left after yelling at a toilet bowl, turned my back to it, and marched right out the door. That's right, I took my chi back. That will teach it.

Jamie March 28, 2006

I spent most of my night in ER. The whole time I was there I wandered around in a robotic trance. J R died last night. I knew the end for him was near but I never knew how to prepare for it. I felt angry with myself for treating him the way I did. He never knew my love because I never had any for him. I kept myself distant from him to avoid the possibility of feeling any hurt in the future and now that his future is nonexistent I'm wondering how to get that time back so I can show him some sort of love. I know I should have cared a little more, but I'm not sure why. I can't bring him back and even if I could, I wouldn't. I know that's harsh but it's true. Things were far too complicated with him around. I'd bring him back if I knew we would never meet

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