The Hardest Thing I Ever Did...  

helga_hansen 50F
3122 posts
5/13/2006 11:54 am

Last Read:
7/3/2006 3:16 pm

The Hardest Thing I Ever Did...

May is always a month of introspection for me. For nineteen years I have wondered if what I did was the right thing. I have wondered how different my life would be if I had done things differently.

In May 1987, I was 19. Heavily pregnant and emotionally very alone. I had done what every father dreads. I'd gone out, partied my socks off, and my knickers too, and gotten myself pregnant. With hindsight (and someone who recently opened my eyes), I was rebelling. And seeking love and attention elsewhere, as I certainly wasn't getting it at home.

At 19 I had just started my first job, and for 5 months, I never told my employers I was pregnant. Until I had to. I was 7 months pregnant at the time, and I remember the HR Manager laughing when I told him. He couldn't quite believe it, as I didn't look pregnant. And bizarrely, once I had told him, I literally grew overnight. It was as if telling my terrible secret had allowed my body to expand with relief.

My employers were extremely understanding, which was more than what could be said for my dad and his wife. My father bluntly told me there would be no home for me, with them, if I chose to keep the baby. He had even offered to fly me to the UK to have an abortion. Their attitude was that I had shamed my family. My alcoholic father, who liked to present this respectable image to the outside world... and here his older daughter was shaming him.

For the last 3 months of my confinement I stayed at a home for unmarried mothers. There I met other girls who had landed themselves in the same situation. An unwanted pregnancy, with both the baby's father, and the mother's family deciding that this place was the best place for us. I stayed there because I felt safe there, and because I was receiving counselling in preparation for the hardest thing I had ever had to do.

After my baby was born, I was giving him up for adoption.

Last year, I wrote two poems. I have another son now, one who is extremely talented musically, and one day, while he was playing the piano, my thoughts suddenly drifted deep into the past, and I wondered what my firstborn son was like. I wondered what talents he has. I wondered if he ever thought of me.

Your fingers glide across the ivory keys
The music gently stirring through my memories
You are my son, my pride and my joy
But I will never forget there was another boy...

The girl had been young and just out of school
The boy she had met she thought very cool
Together they loved, they laughed and they slept
And then he left her, and she cried and she wept...

Her tears were not for the loss of her lover
The tears were because he had made her a mother
She called him one night over the phone
But he ignored her pleas, and left her alone...

For 9 long months she carried this seed
It grew in her body like a fast growing weed
Months passed in a blur... March, April, May
One morning she awoke and knew this was the day...

Alone she lay in the delivery room
Crying her pain as he left her womb
He was her son, her pride and her joy
But she would never know this little boy...

Your fingers make sweet music on the ivory keys
As your mother becomes lost in her memories...

He will be 19 on 19th May, and on that day, like all the other 19ths of May that have passed, I know I will shed a tear, as I think of my baby boy, and the day I gave him away.

He lay in her arms and she gazed at his lips
Her fingers trembled as she traced nails, and fingertips
Her tears fell slowly as she cuddled her son
She knew in her heart that their journey was done.

You were not for me, you were meant for another
You were my son, but I was never your mother
I was the one who gave you away
On a cloudy morning in the month of May.

The decision wasn't easy, it tore at my heart
But your life would be better if we were apart
I was too young to be a good mother
So I gave you a gift, and I got you another.

Her tears fell slowly as she gazed at her son
She knew in her heart his journey had just begun.

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

CelticFlower 51F

5/13/2006 12:40 pm

Oh Helga this tore at my heart as much as the Blog about the abuse you suffered.
It must be a horrendous decision to make to give up your baby. I can understand how at 19 and on your own, how you came to that decision.
I know myself at that age I would not have been able to cope with being a single mum.
You are now a caring, loving and supportive mum to your second son. Motherhood is the most joyfull and the hardest job we face as women.
Thinking of you.

rm_LilBlondeNZ 41F
1028 posts
5/13/2006 12:52 pm

HH- I am so sorry you had to go through such an ordeal at such a young age and that your parents couldn'thave been more supportive.

But you made the right choice for you at that point in time.

I'm sure your son is just like you; warm, funny, happy and a great writer. And I'm sure he's living a great life.

Now go and read Seriously's post The Goddess Who Bore Me. It'll make you smile.

*off to get a box of tissues*

You made me all teary!


UnpinAfireFaust 58M

5/13/2006 3:13 pm

All I can think to do Helga is offer you all the ~hugs~ you desire....and let you know that you will always be accepted and treasured I'm sure you are by a great many others.


Seriously_Real 49M

5/13/2006 7:25 pm

Helga....I love you. For him, from him through me, as a man who has been that boy to another, we do think of you, and we honor your choice and your sacrifice.

It is not just the hardest thing you've ever had to do.

It is the hardest thing that can be done.

He will change the world -- because you did. We may never know just how much you did or he will, but I know this: You CHANGED the world. Thank you for it.


mangomamiCT 43F

5/13/2006 8:40 pm

One can never know the true strength and love of a woman

In awe of a beautiful person, Mango

searcha 59F
4 posts
5/14/2006 9:38 am

Helga - I truly sympathise with you - from both sides of thse situation .....I rarely choose to share my thoughts here but do understand how you must feel each year ....S xxx

TabithaElectra79 39F

5/14/2006 12:35 pm

This post made my cry a few tears, but at the time you did what was right, nothing is set in stone....

Hugs xx

rm_EE407 42F
3903 posts
5/14/2006 2:35 pm

Helga hun, I had no idea. Your poem is lovely and it seems you made the only choice you could.


HBowt2 60F

5/14/2006 3:04 pm

We never forget the ones we give birth to.....I think it's because we knew them when no one else could.....because they grew inside of us......thnking of you....take care...

JJKittyKat 60F

5/15/2006 4:58 am

I couldn't pass this post by wothout a comment, I am sure your son does think of you. You made a great sacrifice at the time and gave a wonderful gift to another couple unable to have children. You made the only choice you could at the time, so don't reproach yourself. My thoughts will be with you on the 19th. XX

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
5/15/2006 11:08 am

This post, together with Real's, presents an unbelievably touching glimpse into the real life emotions of our humanity. Thank you for sharing this.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

Catdoc2000 58M

5/15/2006 6:59 pm

I just had a friend who is unable to bear children adopt a baby boy from a mother who is currently on probation. It is a heart wrenching process for all involved. I also was in the Marines with a guy who was adopted from a similar sitiuation he was a good man. With the wisdom, heart & compasion you show here revealing the qualities you posess. Along with the love of the adopting parents you can bet that he is a good man too!

LevinOuijaFores 51M
204 posts
5/16/2006 1:52 pm

Your post brought a tear to my eye Helga, thank you for sharing...

toothysmile 51M
16517 posts
5/18/2006 8:01 pm

It is rare to come across something so intense and personal, written so simply and beautifully.

GleesFlakyShawl 51M
1620 posts
5/19/2006 11:18 am

a big hug ,helga....

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
5/20/2006 11:03 am

Helga....this was a beautiful post! My heart goes out to you....but the beauty of your love for this son....I'm sure can be somehow felt by him. You are a strong, loving woman.....a treasure!

rm_urdreamonly 49F
19 posts
5/21/2006 5:01 am

can not control myself to stop my tears...


rm_Trebor4863 49M

5/22/2006 6:36 pm

Helga you made me cry, I have a daughter's who is 20 and I love to bits, she's a daddy's girl and she has enriched my life by infinity x infinity.

I cannot imagine what you have gone through, my heart goes out to you.

R x

rm_SusieQ27 47F
2093 posts
5/28/2006 8:54 am

Helga..I wish I'd never read this post. It is heart-rending.

I can not begin to imagine the anguish you suffered at having to resort to such a thing.

I hope you get to meet your other son one day and that he is hale and hearty too.
Luv n stuff, thinking of you {=} Susie {=}

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