Back Door Man  

heavenly_body39 61F
740 posts
8/16/2006 6:12 pm

Last Read:
8/19/2006 11:58 am

Back Door Man

I close off all escape routes, all opportunities to back out, to protect myself, to avoid the feelings of fear and vulnerability.

How easy it was to find alternate means of getting needs met, for so long! So long that I did not even realize how undermining that backdoor man could be.

In the initial stages of my past relationship, I would typically flee to find a backdoor man every time we had conflict or he verbally abused me. It followed a nearly guaranteed recipe that had served me for over a year or so.

I learned from him though, to hang with the pain and deal with it instead of finding solace in other men. So, five months after meeting, and after five months of an on-again off-again relationship, I settled myself with him. I found out later that as I committed more to him, he felt justified in having his own backdoor women, and this increased as my behaviors with other men decreased to nil. The discovery of this betrayal was incredibly painful.

And so I sit with my fear on the threshold of a doorway now. The incredibly messy leftovers of my past have all been tidied up, thrown down the garbage disposal, counters and floors washed clean with soapy water. I greet a new thrilling yet tenuous relationship, and I am scared to death.

With no backdoor man to serve as my safety net, I fly alone. Yet I can see the beginnings of some reassurance in his eyes, in his cheeky grin. He is a wise man, and has a knowing about me that at times blows me away.

I am frightened and so painfully vulnerable, yet so is he. We will find our way together, or apart, but in either case I have learned an incredible amount about myself through knowing him.

That back door is closed, locked, and barred.

nightis 54M

8/18/2006 5:30 am

Could it be that the back door is the route to a "friend"? I can not think recall where I have ever had a "back-door" woman. In a way, it sounds wonderful, in another sad fashion, it sounds "needy". Regardless, as qualified human beings, we all do what we have too and for those that live in the moment, we look for others that can do the same.

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