Realization  

goddessofbitches 42M/34F
5317 posts
2/16/2006 9:11 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Realization

I came to a realization tonight. I was on the phone with my son's teacher discussing his behavior at school. No, he isn't being bad there, he is being BAD at home. The temper tantrums, throwing objects, fighting with his sister, and even cutting his own hair seems to be an "at-home-only" type of thing. She told me that while he is in school, she may need to remind him to sit down or sit still, but other than that, he is remarkable good. She also says that from time to time, she has to tell him not to let the other students take things away from him. I was in total shock of hearing this. Because at home, if his sister even attempts to take something from him, he yells and pushes her down.

As I was talking to her and getting some tips on how to control the behavior, she mentioned that maybe I take a toy from him and tell him that if he is well behaved for an hour, he can earn it back.

It was at hearing that statement, that brought me to the realization that I still look at my son as a small child who still understands nothing. SO NOT TRUE!!! How could I be so dumb as to assume that just because he doesn't speak as well as other children his age, or because he doesn't hold conversations about nuclear science with me that he can't understand what BEHAVING means.

I actually shared this with his teacher, and she informed me that most parents like me who have their hands full 24/7 actually DON'T see their children grow up. Yes, I spend everyday with him. Yes, I dress him, help in change his pull-up, talk to him, play with him...but I also balance all of this with cooking, cleaning, bill paying, and taking care of his sister.

She says that with all of this going on, I am missing the part where his mind is expanding and he learns to understand more everyday. He could hear me say the wrong thing and even remember it at this age.

I feel so stupid. Even though she tried to justify my ignorance...It didn't help. I should KNOW these things. I call it the "PREEMIE PARENT" thinking. When your child is a preemie like Will was, you spend the first 2 years of their life getting used to the fact that your child is behind. That the reason why he hasn't said MOMMA or DADDY yet is because he was born early and needs to catch up. Then, after doing that for so long, you automatically assume that it will be that way forever. So, in essence, while his mind is growing and he is getting better at comprehending things I say, I am assuming I can say ANYTHING and he WON'T understand.

I am speechless now...I can't believe I could have been saying things in the last 6 months in front of him that he may well remember and repeat back to me in 4 or 5 years.

I'm glad I had that chat with his teacher...
But now I'm starting to wonder what else have I been naive about lately?

HUGS~~~MANDY


Always The Bitch


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
2/16/2006 11:14 pm

firstly, honey, it is perfectly normal for kids to behave themselves with strangers and play up with their parents -- cos they feel safe playing up with their parents, and are not quite as sure of other carers. that means it is at least ten times harder for parents to get their kids to behave. (my daughter will eat whatever nanny gives her to eat -- with us its faddy, picky refusals and tantrums).

secondly, its like i said before, you need that space to give yourself some perspective -- you don't get that space, therefore, once again you are being too hard on yourself. anyway, there is nothing you can do about the mistakes you already made -- focus on the way forward, not on the blame game. the blame game is just going to bring you down and make it that much harder for you to move forward.

thirdly, just make sure you have regular chats with his teacher, who sounds very sensible and get tips, opinions, etc from her. you don't have a good support network, so use the one you got.

finally, we all make mistakes, we are all naive about certain things and we all -- at times -- fail to notice changes in the people who are close to us. you keep beating yourself up for what you think you should know -- life is a learning game, no one knows all the answers up front -- you've heard the expression "you live and you learn" -- and, honey, i have noticed that you learn cos you are one smart mischief -- congratulate yourself on being open to learning! so many people are not...



[blog freelove999]


rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
2/16/2006 11:20 pm

(god, i really wish we lived closer so i could talk to you about this stuff -- above all parenting is a tough job. these days our society leaves it up to two parent families, whereas it actually takes a community to raise a child properly. i can't be part of your physical community, but i hope i can at least be part of your mental one and am open to helping you in whatever way i can to bring up your children. i just know we would have a lot to share on this subject.)

>>>>love & hugz<<<<



[blog freelove999]


sleeplessknight1 69M

2/17/2006 1:24 am

Well yu definitely need a Laugh Mandy.... so here it is
Just4Laughs
please delete if spoils this post.... but of course yu can join....
honoured....

Sleepy


rm_Ptalk1155 35M
3450 posts
2/17/2006 9:43 am

Heh, at least he's not a teenager yet, at which point you're lucky if they even hear anything you say.


GleesFlakyShawl 51M
1620 posts
2/17/2006 2:01 pm

oh mandy...u think u know everything till u become a parent......

well, its not that late for u to adjust.....and besides what freelie has said, my only remark is that the whole parenting rant uve written is all about "I"....i think u need a "WE" somewhere there

hugsssssssss


norprin5 56M

2/17/2006 9:32 pm

what freelove said. having had preemie twins {they were 8 weeks early) we made a lot of the same errors in judgement. now they're gonna be 19, smart, well behaved youg adults. certainly less brain damaged than i was at that age.

parenting is a learn-by-experience deal. you need to learn with the kids.

do your best, and your kids will be okay

King Nor XVIII


45andus 46F
20 posts
2/17/2006 10:07 pm

I know the feeling . When my kids talk about things that I had no idea about , I feel like an ass.


smackyman 47M
3849 posts
2/17/2006 10:56 pm

Teachers - gotta love the good ones...(and there are a lot of them!) They do it for the love of it...


rm_TheHooligan2 45M
409 posts
2/18/2006 10:35 am

ahhhhhh kids ya gotta love'em and after all you in for exciting adventure especialy when behavior is down right horrible LOL

believe me I did raise some hell when I was kid. hyperactivity is such a bitch LOL


kyplowboy22 62M

2/18/2006 10:53 am

Take your time and remember, kids are like snowflakes, no two alike. Hardest job there is raising kids. Later

kpb


playballagain 52M
1 post
2/19/2006 3:42 pm

Don't know if you'll still read this. First time on a blog. Don't be afraid to read some books about parenting. You'll find out that just because we had parents doesn't mean we know how to be parents. Read alot of different books and take away a little from all of them. You'll find out there isn't one great way to be a parent. The book I like the best is by written by Barbara Coloroso, "Kids are Worth It." The toughest job anyone can have is being a parent. Remember, "To the world you are one person, but to one person you can be the world."


SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
2/23/2006 2:30 pm

Just wanted to echo what FreeLove999 said but in different words. Kids will test at home. If their behaviour outside the home is good you know you are doing a good job. And because they test at home and give you a hard time does not mean you are a bad parent. It's something to expect.
What they used to call a "difficult child" (there was a book by that name) is now seen from a different perspective. My daughter was definitely a challenge. And as hard as it was to be challenged and pushed and questioned I knew that all of that goes into making a woman ready for today's world. And that is what she is growing into. At 17 she carries herself very well. So difficult yes, but not bad per se.
Good luck and keep on learning. It's a process. I found I did not have a good sense of things and my wife was much better. I learned to question her tactics when I disagreed before making any comments since she always had a well thought out reason for what she did.
It could be something as simple as the kid did something wrong why didn't you punish her. Well, the answer might be she was complaining that her ear hurt two days ago (which I didn't know) which meant she was working on an ear infection. No one is at their best when they are sick and although she knows what she did was wrong she wasn't able to control her behavior where ordinarily she would have. So the behaviour didn't warrant punishment in the same way as if she was at her best. Maybe just a talking to after she was feeling better about how we have to be extra careful and on guard when we are sick or over tired and that she should work on learning to control herself better in those situations.
I learned so much from her.
SR


rm_badgirl_694u 42F
40 posts
3/2/2006 12:33 am

Thats a common misstake most parents make regardless if the child is a preemie (naturally it will be more so if the child is) or not. especially for moms since we spends every waking second feeding,dressing and picking up behind them. Unfortunately esp with men the latter seems to stick with them into manhood.


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