The church bells don't ring for me.  

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1 posts
12/31/2005 7:07 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The church bells don't ring for me.

The question has been posed: Why is a married man with a 25+ year history of monogamy who has NEVER had a one night stand involved with AdultFriendFinder and what is he looking for.

I have always been an inquisitive person. I credit this to my grandmother who instilled in me the ability to appreciate beauty and diversity in the world. She would wake me in the middle of the night to watch meteor showers. She would point out flowers or animals and advise me to absorb and cherish these moments. I watched her weep uncontrollably and listen to her question "Why?" when JFK and MLK were assassinated. I carry inside me her natural and unrelenting curiosity and sensitivity. As happens, I lost sight of the gift and became engrossed in career, marriage, and raising a family. Yeah, the reality of day to day existence that we all confront. I worked hard and carved out a decent way of life. However, I never asked, or much cared, who I was as a person and what was the point. I didn't bother with politics, daily news, religion, or the issues of the day. It could not penetrate the superficiality that I embodied.

Then, within a few days of my fortieth birthday, I experienced a life changing tragedy. It is too personal to address. Suffice it say that very little of what I had or cared about mattered anymore. I became obsessively introspective. Many accused me of escapism, asking too many questions or being too smart for my own good. Hardly. I learned a lot about myself. I am the consummate skeptic. I ask questions and I demand answers. I now know, for example, that I am (dare I say it) a LIBERAL! I believe that a woman deserves the right to choose (pro choice), that capital punishment is nothing less that state sanctioned murder and that peace is more powerful than war. Big deal, huh? Okay, I kept asking questions and continued to theorize, experiment and research. In my heart, now, I know there is no God. Religion, and particularly Christianity, is a man made farce. Do I mean to imply that there is no such thing as ethics or morality? Absolutely not. On the contrary, I hold to a theory of objective morality, irrespective of any divine plan involving punishment or reward in a so called afterlife. I am free to live my life based on Humanism...the secular rejection of supernaturalism in all forms. Rather, the reliance upon science, reason and mankind alone in the search for the meaning of life and dignity for all inhabitants of the planet and/or universe. I am a Renaissance man or FREETHINKER...joyous, unrestrained and living each day to the fullest emboldened with a Humanist creed.

Now, I come to the point; or next question, if you will. Is monogamy the natural state or condition for the human species? Divorce, malcontent, marital misery, infidelity all appear to have the upper hand. If monogamy is working for any given relationship and mutual happiness is achieved; then FANTASTIC. Personally, I need to know if it is working for me. I have questions...I need answers. Is there risk? Absolutely. Am I prepared to face the consequences. Yes, if it comes to that. Am I in this for the sex only? I would like to think not. Afterall, there are numerous avenues involving sex for money. Easily done. Have I resorted to this? No. Also, over the course of my adult life, I have been approached by female coworkers, acquaintances and even strangers with an opportunity for sex. Have I resorted to this? No. I need to ask the questions, experience the process, experiment, involve myself, and see if it works for me. I am sexually bored, questioning the process...wondering if excitement, sexually and intellectually fulfilling encounters are merely passing me by.
My ongoing crisis of self awareness.

One day, hopefully in the distant future, I will look back and make a determination...armed with experience and knowledge. Was I right or was I wrong? Sapere Aude---Dare to Know!

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