One step at a time.................  

frbnkslady 49F
3442 posts
2/1/2006 12:07 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

One step at a time.................


I am starting my walk.... not as fast as some friends think I need.
I am not a writer, never have claimed to be. I am not eloquent with words, written or otherwise. I am just me, very bluntly outspoken. And very broken inside.
I am not a woman who possess a huge amount of self confidence, thanks to a nasty marriage, but I am WAYYYYY ahead of where I was. I do not trust very easily, but once given it is there, just like my love. Heart and soul.
I have written of him before, and I probably will a few more times. I have not seen him since he came home from the war. Have not talked to him on the phone, even though he has my numbers. I have given them to him again when he requested them. To no avail. I have only had contact through a few IMs. I got one " I miss talking to you" But he KNOWS how to get ahold of me...
I remeber saying good-bye to him. He came to see me. I received a kiss that stole my soul. I couldn't breath. My toes fell off. I can still fell it to this day. He is a rugged man, total outdoorsman. Just everything..
I should have taken the hint to heart when he stood me up for our last together, but you know hindsight.
I was going to post a few letters that I had written to him while he was gone, but cannot find them, maybe later...They detailed what I wanted to do to him when I saw him again...How I felt...My everyday, what was going on...My questions to him...what he was doing there.. and my never ending wishes for him to return safely. My telling him I loved him. My impatience for him to come home.
How do you deal with something like this??? Cry??? OH YEAHHHHHHHHHH... Anger??? At who??? Myself.... cannot be at him.. he didn't ask for my love, he didn't ask for it. Didn't do anything but 'be'.
I had asked for 1 whole weekend with him when he came home. I wrote letters to him saying everything I wanted to do to him. How I would meet him at the door... just drop to my knees and worship him.. taking my time with him. Welcoming him in all ways imaginable, and a few improvised.
But I had made a promise to myself before he came home not to take my weekend. I never told him. Didn't seem to matter.
Seems like my dreams are like a bubble blow gun, all going up into the air in hundreds of teeny tiny bubbles. Every one bursting with the sound of mocking laughter...
You read stories, watch movies where you cry all the way through as they struggle, go apart, then do find each other in the end....through the anger, grief and trials.
If you are ever granted the blessing of being the recipicant of a love that you also return.... please hold onto it with your whole heart and soul.. both hands cupped around it, gently craddling it, not crushing. It is a fragile thing... Cherish it...Blow on its embers, keep it going...
Everyone dreams of finding someone who wants them, needs them, 'fits them. Dreams of being touched with love, peace, friendship... the love of your life...
Good-bye Cam.

T





frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
2/9/2006 5:14 pm

Still brings tears to my heart...T

T




frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
2/5/2006 9:30 pm

LMAO.. I try too Tires.. I really really do..... T

T




rm_titsandtires 53M/43F
3656 posts
2/5/2006 5:11 pm

That tattoo... That's what attracted me to my wife. She's got one just like it. It's not a handicap T. - it's a show of color. Wear it with pride.

tires


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
2/3/2006 8:50 am

LMAOOOO, thank you Tires.... We will see huh??? I still think I am handicapped by my invisible 'bitch' tattoo on my forehead... T

T




rm_titsandtires 53M/43F
3656 posts
2/3/2006 7:05 am

That's a great post T. I can completely relate to so many of the feelings you've described. I've been in some dark places in my life. I truly hope that "the one" finds you someday. As long as he doesn't have a problem with letting you blog here! LOL.

tires


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
2/2/2006 11:01 pm

ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. I just cannot picture you giggling... T

T




pASSionwantd2 51M
1316 posts
2/2/2006 7:27 pm

*Giggle's*


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
2/2/2006 8:33 am

LMAO.. I know I read it... told you it matched my blog for the day... T

T




pASSionwantd2 51M
1316 posts
2/1/2006 11:32 pm

T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.


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