hard lessons and happy endings  

five_speed 42M
3250 posts
8/8/2005 2:05 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

hard lessons and happy endings

In retrospect, I think being active on AdultFriendFinder has been helpful and harmful. On the plus side, the interaction I get through emails and here in blog land have kept me sane (well, as sane as I get, anyway.) On the negative side, it showed me how fragile my self confidence has become. Or maybe that is a plus too, but just really harsh and nasty medicine…. I’m not sure yet.

I’ve emailed most of the local women who had pictures in their profiles. Some didn’t write back at all, which didn’t upset me. The ones that bothered me were the ones who emailed me back, sometimes two or three times, and then just dropped off the face of the earth. I knew there had to be a reason. I could not see anything in my blog that would set off the psycho vibe. I toned down the text in my profile a little bit, made it more laid back, more casual. Still the trend continued. I started to suspect it was my pictures, my appearance. I tried to ignore the nagging doubt, but it wouldn’t go away.

Then a woman asked me to email her a pic because it wasn’t loading right for her to see it online, so I did, and she dropped off the face of the earth after I sent it to her. A few years ago it wouldn’t have bothered me at all; I’d have figured it was her loss, and there were plenty more fish in the sea. I said that this time, but I didn’t believe it anymore. I tried to blow it off, but it just ate and ate at me. I realized that my vaunted self esteem had turned from stone to clay, and it was crumbling.

A few days later I bumped into a woman in town that I thought was very attractive. I started to compliment her on her dress. It was gorgeous, black with stark white lilies… and it looked really great on her, but I stopped because I thought she doesn’t want to hear anything from a guy that looks like me When I realized what I was thinking, I was mortified. I haven’t had thoughts like that since I was the weird kid in high school. Where was my charisma? My charm? My confidence? It was all gone, like smoke on the wind. I felt like Superman without his powers.

The next day I got sick and my upper lip broke out with blisters from one corner to the other. I had planned to meet with a woman I had met on AdultFriendFinder. She had already cancelled for unspecified reasons, which had knocked another chunk out of me when I read her email, but I was glad for it after I got sick, because my lip looked like it was rotting off.

Out of pure morbid curiosity, I posted a pic on HotOrNot.com. I knew the site was silly, but I just wanted to see. I figured I’d be happy if I pulled a 5. I got twos and threes. I changed the pic and started the counter over because I couldn’t stand to think about it.

My baby brother called me Sunday afternoon. He said “you promised to take me to dinner for my birthday.” I said “And you're reminding me of this now becaaause... why?” He said “It’s my birthday, jackass.”

I didn’t want to be seen in public. I felt like a leper. But a promise was a promise. I showered, didn’t bother to shave the fours days’ worth of beard, and put on some decent clothes. I went over to his house, and a bunch of his friends from college were hanging out. He said something about returning the dinner favor for my birthday in a couple weeks. A couple of the girls asked me how old I would be. I told them to guess. Instantly it was a game. None of them guessed over 26. Most of them said 24. I had to take out my driver’s license to prove I was turning 30. It was a nice little boost.

At the restaurant, our waitress was beautiful. She had stunning blue eyes and shoulder-length sandy blond hair. Her smile was like a slice of sunshine,and she had a really great tan. Her uniform was too big for her, but her curves and long legs defied her baggy blouse, slacks, and apron. She looked a little bit like a girl dressed in her daddy's work clothes, but she still looked so fine. I noticed her as soon as I walked into the place.

Her route from the kitchen was such that she faced me as she walked the length of the bar to get back to our section. She kept picking up my eyes with hers and smiling at me. When she came by the table to get our plates and drinks, she always managed to rub against my arm, shoulder, or my leg that was jutted out from under the edge of the booth. I figured she was just setting me up to give her a better tip, but when she brought the check, she assumed my brother was paying because he had done all the ordering. She handed him the check, smiled at me, and went to another table. She came by a few seconds later, picked up the credit card and returned with the receipt. She seemed surprised when I reached for it instead of my brother. She made sure she touched my hand when she handed it to me, and she looked directly at me when she said, “I really hope you’ll come back soon.”

We got out to the car and I asked my brother’s girlfriend “do you think that waitress was hitting on me or just being nice?” She said “dude, she’d have to wrap her legs around your head and hump your face to make it any more obvious.”

I got home and checked my pic on HotOrNot…. 7.6! Not stellar, but a hell of a lot better than the twos and threes!

It upsets me that I have weakened to the point where I need outside reassurances to bolster my confidence. I never needed them in years past. I never used to give a damn what anyone thought. I can tell I have a lot of work to do to get back to my former strength, both physically and mentally, but at the same time, it feels pretty good to know I can get hit on by a good looking woman while sporting a four-day hobo beard and blisters the size of Texas.

Maybe my charm and and charisma are still working for me. Maybe Superman still has a few of his powers left.

This week might be decent after all.

Ana_6973 44F

8/9/2005 6:53 am

They'd have to be blind not to find you attractive and add the wit and you're a 10.

~~"I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can't claim innocence."~~

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
8/9/2005 10:22 am

5 speed, we all have those moments of truth. Not sure what brings them on either. The good news is they pass quickly, the bad news they keep happening all through life. Brains will always win out in the end my friend. You're a good looking guy with a great point of view. The waitress must have reaffirmed that for you. Then again...she may have been a transvestite.

[blog talldarkavg1]

rm_talldarkavg1 107M
10172 posts
8/9/2005 10:23 am

and there's nothing wrong with being a TV. (end of disclaimer)

[blog talldarkavg1]

five_speed 42M

8/9/2005 1:22 pm

Ana, thanks, sweetheart. You always know what to say to cheer me up.

five_speed 42M

8/9/2005 2:08 pm


That reminds me of a song:

When I pick up on a woman,
and I take her home to bed
I start to take her clothes off
she starts to give me - well, hell, you know.
I asked her what her name was
she told me it was "Venus."
I reached down 'tween her legs....

It the little things, oh the itty bitty things,
It's the little things like that
that piss me off.

-Rodney Carrington

five_speed 42M

8/10/2005 4:56 am

nbtnt, I thought what she said was awesome too. I asked her if I could file that one away and use it later, and she said I could. If you ever have opportunity to useiit, please feel free.

Become a member to create a blog