Big Dicks, Small Dicks. Do You Even Know How To Measure Your Dick?  

femalesquirter 45F
256 posts
5/1/2006 3:13 am

Last Read:
4/14/2009 6:29 pm

Big Dicks, Small Dicks. Do You Even Know How To Measure Your Dick?

You've all seen it here on AdultFriendFinder and other sites, all these men claiming that their dick is this size or that size. It's time to do a reality check.

"Big" is mostly a matter of self-deception.

Although there have been quite a few pictures here of male members who are truly hung or really well endowed, most men are AVERAGE -- that's the quintessential meaning of the word, and the measure of the word is 6 to 7 inches.

But most men come up with some truly insane and inaccurate ways to measure their cocks.

Here's some facts and some guidelines for measuring.

First, LENGTH.

Men always say things like "my dick is xx inches long" and that's just as true as "I can eat pussy all night long." Give it a FUCKING REST!! The ONLY valid way to measure your dick length is to take an old-fashioned wooden school ruler, place it flat on TOP of your dick, and push it into your pelvis as far as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your dick ends is how long your dick is.

Read it and weep. It does not get any longer than that. If you know what parallax error is, then you know that this actually makes your dick measure a quarter inch longer than it really is.

Now, you uncut unlucky sons of bitches, you're a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your dick length. If you're really ignorant, "prepuce" is your foreskin, the male anatomical part most commonly regarded as the most repugnant, rejectable, and disposable part of a man. Besides his personality.

Do NOT measure your prepuce as being part of your dick length. When you have your dick inside your fuck partner, your prepuce always slides back, so the only length they can feel is from your urethral opening and back. Your uncut dick is a dick and not a fin fish as defined in the Texas Parks and Wildlife Fishing and Hunting Regulations. Pinching a fin-fish's tail to make it long enough to keep is not the same as pinching your prepuce to make your dick long enough to fuck. Remember fellas. You carry a dick, you are not a game fish, so skin it before you measure it.

For length, use the school ruler method. If you are actually longer than a 12-inch ruler, you should either say "12 inches plus" or else get a Goddamn yardstick from the sewing store. And don't forget to call me.

Using a carpenter's tape measure does NOT count. If it did, you would be hooking the end of the tape in your asshole and measuring your dick that way. For those trying this at home, YOUR SICK KINK DOES NOT COUNT!!

Next, GIRTH.

Girth is a technical term that means "how big around it is." I know I've been using a lot of technical terms here. Get over it. Get a dictionary. And NO, that is NOT a book that tells you how large your penis is, except that a few of you have your pictures next to words like "inflated" "exaggerated" "mendacity" and "fraud." And -- I left out "laughable" and "miniscule."

The only accurate way to measure the girth of your dick is with a flexible tape measure, the kind you can get at the sewing or craft store or can borrow from your "gay-clothing-designer" best friend. You measure your girth by wrapping the tape measure around the AVERAGE-SIZE part of the shaft of your cock. And you cannot measure the "width" of your cock, because cocks are oval-shaped in cross-section and not all proportionately equal in width by depth. Girth counts. Please don't say that your dick girth is how WIDE it is, because if your dick were that wide it would not be your penis, it would be the tail of a beaver.

And when you measure girth, wrap the tape just one time, okay? One time. If you have one of those mushroom-headed cocks, DO NOT say your dick girth is the circumference of your mushroom head. That's a fucking lie, and you know it. If there's an inch difference between your mushroom head and its supporting structure, and if you think it matters, report both numbers separately. I've been told that some dick recipients like a big-ass dick head and a slender shaft to push it in and out. In this case, accurate reporting will get you more asses that actually want YOUR individual dick.


To give you an idea of what's "average," Six inches are considered "average." This is what we mostly get. Therefore, as long as the dick owner has a clue of what he's doing, it usually works. If he does not know, then dick length is totally irrelevant, because he's a lousy fuck, no matter what. I don't know if men prefer larger, average, or smaller cocks but I do know that pussies can stretch a lot more than rectums, so at least in theory, a pussy can fit a huge dick better than a rectum can. Your ass-pounding mileage may vary.

If your cock is shorter than average, you may have to work on having a nice personality and good sexual techniques. Whatever you do, just don't lie. We are not blind. We can see you have a tiny dick. Be a nice person and a good lover, or get used to jacking off. Jacking off ALL THE TIME.

As far as girth, do note that "average" girth is proportional to length. Work out the numbers yourself. I am not in the business of measuring thousands of dicks to determine "average" girth, or "average" girth vs. length.

But here are a couple of numbers to make you shut your mouth.

A standard 12 oz beer can (Miller, Bud, NOT Coors) is approximately 8 inches in girth. So if you claim a "beer can dick" you better be close to this. Also remember that a standard 12 oz beer can is only 4 3/4 inches tall / long. That means that your "beer can" dick is nearly 20% shorter than average, and too fat to use. Don't believe me? In the privacy of your own home, try wrapping your lips around a beer can.

Next measure, a toilet paper roll. The toilet paper roll is just shy of 5 1/2 inches in girth. Again, in the privacy of your own home, maybe the next time you're sitting on the toilet jacking off (that may be right now for some of you), see if you can put your dick inside the toilet paper roll. If you can, then your dick girth is LESS than 5 1/2 inches.

I won't offer any smaller standards for dick girth comparison, because some of you might get your feelings hurt.

I will finish with this -- DO NOT use a penis pump when you measure, unless you use the same penis pump every time you show your erection to another person. That should be a much greater embarrassment to you than knowing your dick isn't as big around as a beer can and you don't need a yardstick to see how long it is.

Now guys, you really need to QUIT LYING and MEASURE UP to the truth. Whether you have a big cock or a pencil dick, there are enough people in the world who want different sizes of dicks that you will have NO trouble getting ass. For those who have lied to me about how big your cock is, (yes, you Simon and you too, Dave) you are nothing but a dick with a small dick.

rm_eastwamale 54M
1 post
5/1/2006 4:12 am

Most guys feel that a woman only responds to dick size and that if they can peak their interest with a fabricated size then at least they are getting a chance. The truth is obvious, once the pants are dropped. Once can only imagine the explaining that takes place when their 10 incher only appears 7 inches long ...

I'd rather be 100% honest and not have any disappointments. (For the record, I'm 7 3/4 inches long, with 5 3/4 inches girth, although some of you women may turn me on enough to get me larger.) Most of the 37 (?) women I've been with have told me it is larger than they expected ... probably because all of their previous lovers lied to them about their size.

bedroomice2003 45M

5/1/2006 4:17 am

I've never understood why men on this site feel a need to wave their dicks around in pictorial form. I never have and never will except possibly by special request. I feel that if I can turn a woman on with my words and deeds, and if she is interested in me enough, she'll eventually get around to seeing it.

And while I do sympathize with your position being someone who must receive an inordinate number of them in your inbox, I have to wonder why you're being so nasty with the rest of us just because someone out there doesn't know how to describe his anatomy without delusions of grandeur.

You've given us some good tips on proper measurement. I just hope it's not your sole criterion for measuring the man, no matter how much some men might delude themselves.

EssensualFreedom 52M
38 posts
5/1/2006 4:27 am

I see you have an issue with size

Here's something I read which might put a spin on your perception and disappointment, which I'm sure you're over it anyway.

Did you know...
The average length of a man's penis is 6".
The average depth of a woman's vagina is 7".

So, If you add up all the men's and all the woman's length and depth can you see how much wasted pussy there is out there?

A dick and a pussy is exactly that, if size matters get a horse and you'll be fine.

rm_jd29992z 55M
3888 posts
5/1/2006 8:54 am

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that was sooooooooo brutally funny!!! I loved the part "The most repugnant regrettable, and disposable part of a man besides his personality" Ha ha ha hey wait a minuet I resemble that remark! Still funny. See us guys with Average size (6 31/64 inches) has to use more then just RAM it home we have to have finesse touching searching oh and don't forget you have to be able to want to use the "black momba dildo" if need be. "Break glass in case of small dick emergency" box directly above my bed. That was great witty and very clever. See you around JD

emtcowboy69 51M

5/1/2006 1:01 pm

Well seeing I am HUNG like a TIC TAC I reckon I just dont fall into this whole average size category but hey at least I will leave your breath minty fresh at the end of the evening. OH and my ass well lets not go there oh what the hell lets, I have one of those grand father asses you know the kind, start's in the middle of the back and ends around the knee caps, one of those ELONGATED asses, looks like a frog would standing on it's hind legs and walking. I use a BUTT BRA to suck it all back up so it looks like I have an ass. Any way all this cock talk has me feeling quiet ill so I think I am going to go to the tittie bar now to try and get this COCK talk out of my head.

smileguyqc 54M

5/3/2006 4:08 pm

LOL... imagining some guy in a quiet corner trying to wrap his lips around a beer can.

imaxtoy 34M
1289 posts
5/6/2006 9:42 am

ROFLMAO! Holy cow, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. You are a truly entertaining writer.

imax, the toyed

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