My First Blog  

eldarsalazar 33M
2 posts
7/25/2006 3:54 pm
My First Blog

Cat's Diary (Written by me)

These are actual recordings by Mr. Bojangles, who after escaping the prison known as "the Johnson's Residence" with a monkey, went on to become world dictator in the next 3 years, then he died. His diary was found the next day, furballs and all in the pages, this is now historical evidence, please read revently. Mr. B rest in peace...

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time...

The question seems to burn in a boy's mind, and I was asked this once by someone I know. So, to answer their question, it took a lot of thinking and consideration. So here you are. Here's your answer.

What girls really want from you.

1. Don't flirt with other girls. | It makes us feel like we're not good enough for you. We feel like we did something wrong so you are making up for it with another girl.

2. Even if you're not going out, heck, even if you're not friends, don't say bad stuff about us. | We could be the meanest people in the world to you, but most of the time we're joking and we think you're serious. You haven't seen mean until you say something bad about us. We have evil sides and we're not afraid to use them.

3. We're not toys. | Don't just have your fun with us and drop us. We're serious about things. That's just mean and we'll spend days wondering what we ever did wrong.

4. Pur your arms around our waist firmly but gently, holding us close to you. | If you can, smell our hair! For most girls, we try to succeed in making it smell and look good! Plus, we know you love the smell, why try to sneak around?

5. If you've done something wrong, fess up. | Tell us before we have to ask you about it. Trust me, when we ask, we'll be twice as angry, and that's just if you tell the truth. We know. We don't guess when we confront you. We have our connections, and we know what's going on. Lie to us and you can pretty much send your death wish.

6. When we say we love you, we mean it. | We're not willing to tell just anyone that. Our hearts are gentle and it's very hard to trust guys, and it takes time. Don't worry if you tell us you love us and we don't say it back right away. We do, we're just thinking about how sweet it was that you said it first. And if it takes a day or two, we're not deciding. We're figuring out how we can prove it.

7. If we have guy friends, we love how you hold us close when we talk to them. | We think it's cute when you get all jealous, but don't overdo it. We're not dumb, we're not gonna mess around. We're not flirting, so don't blame us later. Now, if some guy friend of our's is flirting with us, then you have every right to overreact and kick his ass.

8. Anything you'd want us to know about you... know about us, too. We'll memorize every fact. | We'll have our friends quiz us on how many homeruns you had in a season, what your favorite color is... But it's gonna hurt if we know so much about us and all you can say is, "Uhh..." and make a guess.

9. If our eyes are shiny, we're either really happy or we're about to cry. | Look at our smile and the way our face is. Is it the same way it is when you make us laugh? If not, we're going to cry. At that point, if you can tell, turn us so that we're facing you and wrap your arms around us tight so that we feel like nothing could harm us at all while we're there, and stroke our hair. When we cry, often we will bury our heads in your shoulder. If we don't, wipe away our tears. Whisper gently in our ear. Tell us it's okay, even if you don't know what we're crying about.

10. Know that we like it when you tickle us. | It makes us laugh and reminds us that you know that exact spot that makes us cry we're laughing so hard. It's cute.

11. Surprise us. | Call before you're at the door, make sure you have good timing. Tell us to look out the window, or open the door. We'll see you and hang up and run to your side. Bring flowers for no reason. Give us candy when we're down, that always works! Show up just to kiss us and see us smile.

12. Show us how much you love us. | That doesn't mean show us how bad you want to have sex. We're not walking beds. (So, in other words, we're not just easy lays walking around.) We love it when you whisper in our ear, or breath on our neck. We like it when you kiss under our jaw down our neck, resting your head on our shoulder. We feel like we're repaying you for every time we rest on you.

13. We love to look at the stars. | Plan a night to surprise us and don't tell us where you're taking us no matter how much we may beg. Take a picnic dinner, candles, a lighter, plastic glasses and sparkling cider. Don't forget to bring lots and lots of coffee for us! We love that stuff. Bring 3 blankets. One for the ground when we lay on top of you in your arms, one for over the top of both of you, and another that you sneak on top of her during the night, just in case she gets cold. Hold us close and let us look up at the stars in your arms. If we fall asleep, don't wake us up. Stay the night with us right there, and let us use you for a pillow. Get comfortable, but try your hardest not to disturb our sleep, because if we open our eyes we'll tell you to take us home.

14. If your friends think it's cool to have sex, it doesn't mean we do. | We have plans for our lives, usually. And if not, we're still not ready to handle that kind of pressure. Being in a relationship is a lot of responsibility itself, and having sex just means you have to be more committed. Wait until we're ready. If you pressure us, we're going to get mad and we might not ever have sex with you. (Another way to put it: We'll dump you, no matter how much it hurts.)

15. Sing to us in the quiet. | Even if you're horrible. Especially if you're good. We love to hear you. If you're bad at it, it just shows that you would show us anything, even if it's not the most pleasurable thing you would choose to do. It shows us you're open with us and are willing to do whatever we want. In the quiet it comforts us and reminds us you're there, and it really turns us on, and you're likely to get a kiss.

16. Dance with us. | With or without music. Even in the funniest of places. If we announce we love the song, that's your big hint that we want you to ask us to dance. And even if we don't say that, offer anyways. The worst thing we could do is say no.

17. Don't embarrass us. | If you act immature in front of us, we will scold you like your mother would. We'll chew you out and rip you a new one, telling you exactly how much we never want to be seen with you. If, in fact, you do embarrass us publicly, after we're completely through chewing you out, say you're sorry. Tell us you didn't mean to embarrass us and ask for our forgiveness. Then, once we sigh, put your hands on our shoulders and let them slide to rest on our hips. DON'T try to kiss us. Wait for us to be ready. Who knows how long we'll be angry.

18. Meet our parents right off the bat. | We love it when you include our family. If you get the chance, refuse to go out with us until you meet our parents. Figure out a day when you can come home with us and have dinner with the rents... Be Mr. Polite to the parents. Shake hands with her dad firmly and cooly. Shake her mother's hand first and be gentle. Do remember, she's cooking your food. Smile at them and smile at her afterward. If she has siblings, be Mr. Perfect. They'll love you if you tell them something they don't know. And if you show them how to do something, they'll love you forever. Keep in mind that they look up to her, so if you play your cards right, they'll look up to you, too. If they're older, they're sure to be protective. They might not appear it at first, but they care deeply who their younger sister is with. If it's a brother, be nice and polite and show him without action exactly how much you want to care for her. Prove to her whole family why you should be with her. Ask her dad. Make sure it's alright with him. Then, when you get the okay, kiss her hand and ask her to a date you've previously planned in front of everyone.

19. Pay for her. | She'd offer to pay for half and even all of it. Don't let her. Call it your treat. Even if you pay every time, it means that we have more money to spend on those little gifts we love to get you. Like those photo albums we love to decorate and put pictures of the two of you together. Those do cost money. And the cologne we get you for Christmas or your birthday? Yah, that's real stuff right there. It ain't cheap!

20. Last, but not least and the most important of all, love her. | With all of your heart, love her. Love her like there's no one else out there for you, because as far as you know, there isn't. Don't doubt our unconditional love for you. Kiss us like you've never kissed before. Hold us like no one could fit more perfectly in your arms. Love us like no one could fill that hole that we do any better. Look past the flaws that we constantly point out and even reject them. When we say we look fat or ugly, reject it instantly and remind us how beautiful we are. Point out something about us you love. Think about her before anyone else

pr1m3r 36M

7/25/2006 6:12 pm

Grade A advice. Two thumbs up bro!

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