Can't we all just get along?  

elbman 42M
1141 posts
2/1/2006 5:44 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Can't we all just get along?

I spent my evening on the phone with a younger sibling discussing their current relationship problems. You see I seem to be the family expert as my recent history seems to have covered every possible problem that could be experienced between two people (and some I'm debating on their possibility). There was lots of blame to go around on both sides, and I accept my share of it and then some. Although it sucked at the time I believe the experience has made me a better person overall. That's because we are nothing more than a sum of the experiences of our life. It's a balance of allowing both your head and your heart to take you in the right direction. When one or the other comes out of balance you can get yourself into trouble, or so I have found. I'm always having to remove my foot from my mouth, but my friends know and understand this and allow me to make amends.

What I really see as a problem is when we allow our emotions to take hold and distort what we hear or the meaning.....then the resposes can be even worse. It escalates to a point of no return, over a misunderstanding or poor choice of words.

How many people have lost people close to them (or that they would have like to have known better, even) because of an "open mouth insert foot comment"?

If you were on the receiving end, did you ever reflect on the situation and realize that your response may not have been warranted, and attemptted to salvage the situation from your end?

JustaSeeker 107F

2/1/2006 11:59 pm

I think that in the past I lost chances that I could have had, with a number of people that I might have wanted to know better, by being too outspoken, or hot-tempered, or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time... That's always been the bane of my life. I'll be trying so hard to be diplomatic that sometimes I think I'm tying myself in knots, then, for some reason, I still open my mouth and something ridiculous comes flying out. *sigh* I just don't know why it happens.

But, short of guarding every word and being completely closemouthed about everything, the only solution seems to be to keep my mind on a pretty high level, concentrate on being a kind person, and be forgiving when people find themselves doing the same... It's only fair.

As far as being on the receiving end, I believe that the most important quality we possess is the ability to show mercy. Without it, love is impossible, because there's no room for error and there's nowhere to go if you make a mistake. For me, it's more important to have people in my life than to be right.

I have two rules that aren't negotiable: 1. If (they) were being stupid and human, but not trying to hurt me, I can let it go. That's where you have to use your head to overrule your heart, and it's the hardest lesson to learn. Unintentional wounds can be healed. But if it was calculated...bring it on. After that, "see ya" pretty much covers it.

And 2. In a romantic situation, or even as a meaningful friend, never say or do something that says, "I don't love you" (now...anymore...the same way...whatever.) Nothing will ever be the same, and I don't care what you try.

I'm very open about this philosophy with the people in my life, and as long as the other person is willing to do the same for me, it works. But then, I really don't want anyone in my life who wouldn't.

caressmewell 54F

2/2/2006 6:47 am

Unfortunately I have been on the receiving and the giving ends. When it happens I do try to repair the damage. Sometimes friendships/relationships can be salvaged and sometimes they can't.

It has occured to me that in many instances people say and do things on purpose to end a relationship, harsh, insulting or critical words used as an excuse to cover up what the real issues are.

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
2/2/2006 8:45 am

This happens to me all the time. The more comfortable I am w/ people, I become very loose-mouthed. I am a huge smartass and always have been. Often times, I say something smartass trying to be funny, but it really, really gets me into a lot of trouble. I'm then trying for the next week to make amends. It is tiring, but it's my problem that I have to work out.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
2/2/2006 11:53 am

Yeah, I've been on both ends of this. But more often than not, when in this situation, I split. Not permanently, but just to get some perspective. Occasionally I am accused of 'running away from an issue' but the truth is that I just need space to process it and will deal with it, when I'm ready.

My ex was like that, too (even more so than me). And even tho he is my EX, the fact that we are both like that contributed to the quality of the relationship when it was good and minimized the awfulness once it started to go south.

On another blog you chastised a friend for not using both head and heart. Hallelujah, I was trying to get that point across to a bunch of folks last night. Anyway, that's what struck my eye and lead me over here. Good post.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

Fox4aKnight1 44F

2/2/2006 3:16 pm

I have been both......the reciver and the giver. I have trie to minimize the giving to the point of sometimes being serios when someone is just joking. I know that sometimes makes me a killjoy but also the people that I talk to often know just where I stand. For instance all these quizs all over blogland. I start some of them intending to be funny....and then look at it from someone elses perspective. They can't possibly hear my tone. Plus well some peopel read intothings too often. I am sometimes brutally clear and I try not to "assume" that people know what I am talking about. Anyhow ......most if not all of my friends know that you can ask my opnion or thoughts and I will give them. You might not like them but I am never being intentionally hurtful.

I have lost some friends over the misunderstandings....but its rare nowadays.

hugs Kelli

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