String theory  

earthShiva 61M
270 posts
5/15/2006 7:12 am

Last Read:
12/10/2006 6:13 am

String theory

Over and over, I read profiles that seek a “No strings attached” relationship. I find this imagery ironic, as the word “tantra” is Sanskrit for “loom” ‒ a device used to juxtapose strings to create a fabric of greater strength and more dimensions than the individual strings themselves. (The intent of the word “tantra”, of course, goes well beyond sex or even relationship. It addresses the interrelatedness of all things physical with all things spiritual. These are the warp and weft of our existence)

I’m still trying to figure out what all these strings are that have people so concerned. Financial commitment? Co-habitation? Emotional dependency? Some of these strings would certainly be a bit much to expect of another person at the outset of the relationship, and I do see that there are many people here seeking such attachments up-front. Yet, I find something a little sad in people’s need to defensively throw up these “no strings” barriers before even hearing from a potential lover or playmate. As adults I would wish that we could take as given that relationships proceed at a certain pace, and focus in our profiles on what we have to offer and what we desire, rather than what we fear might develop.

The truth is, I like a lot of the things that people might consider strings. I’ve been joyously married for 21 years, and celebrate every day the mutual commitments that create the container that helps sustain our relationship. All strings. So I do not need to fear strings because they have worked for me, and, given that I'm here and able to play as I see fit, not really limited me. Where D and I have felt bound or constricted by our strings, we have simply loosened them. By all means, monitor those strings carefully and know when to sever the ones that trap you rather than support you, but don’t pretend they’re not there.

Obviously, things are and should be a little different outside our primary relationships, but I’m not so sure they should be all that different. Nothing out there is going to compare with a 20+ year head start where things are still just getting better and better, so why not allow for the possibility of some healthy, sustainable emotional connections, some mutual accountability or even commitment? These are the very things that have made my primary relationship such a beautiful experience. Why would I not want to consider those same “strings” in my other relationships, as long as they don't imply an exclusivity that I simply don't have to offer? Besides, in an environment where people must necessarily consider the health risks of intimacy, the presumption of no expectational “strings” with regard to behavior and hygiene outside the relationship would be irresponsible. Like it or not, we are accountable to each other in some ways even when we insist the relationship is "just" sexual and of so set duration. To believe otherwise is just denial.

So, strings can be a beautiful thing. They can hold things together, they can be tightened and loosened, and if necessary untied or cut. The challenge for each of us in building true intimacy in not to reject the notion of strings. It is to be mindful of our own loose ends and those of our partners, to tie and trim wherever appropriate, and to keep the interweaving of our lives orderly so it doesn’t all turn into a tangled mess.

MoonRise9 59M

5/15/2006 12:59 pm

Lots of good stuff to think about there. It does sound like you speak from a position of strength and confidence in your marriage that is not typical around here. I also expect it may be difficult for many to even imagine the transition to that level of strength, confidence, and love.

But, truly, congratulations.

rm_wavegoodbye 60F

5/15/2006 4:04 pm

You're awesome, dude, and you have such a way with words! I love you!

rm_LoyalCumpany 47M
3204 posts
5/16/2006 8:33 am

Well spoken. Keeping the door closed to possibilities can lead to stale air and dark nights, especially if it's a windowless room.

Tanks for posting on my blog, and yours just went on my watched blogs. Glad to see another level headed straight guy in this place.

I am JoJo the Circus Boy!

rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
5/19/2006 11:56 am

without a sense of a string in one way or another...
there most likely is...
no connection ...
i have always believed this to have been food for thought.

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

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