One Year  

duststormdiva 52F
7253 posts
7/25/2006 8:03 am

Last Read:
9/20/2006 10:15 pm

One Year


He would have been 79 on June 10. Today is the one year anniversary of his death. I miss him. Last night my boyfriend and I were at his place. He was eating a Klondike bar and I was eating a Butterfinger bar. He said, “These are like Dilly bars. I love Dilly bars.”

“My father did too.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“I could not expect you to know everything my father liked.”

It was then the tears began to flow. My favorite thing is to lay with my head on his chest and fall asleep. He told me that he was there to listen if I wanted to talk. I told him I just wanted him to hold me while I put my head on his chest. He grabbed the box of tissues and we went to his bed. He lay down and I put my head on his chest and cried myself to sleep.

Today, I write this blog when I should be getting ready for work. I know it’s going to be a hard day filled with tears. I have so much to do at work today, but I just might take off early. They kids and I are planning on a cookout. When he died, we didn’t have a funeral, we had a “Celebration of Life” for him, and we are going to have a small celebration tonight to remember the life we were able to share with him.

I told my boyfriend last night that I should be glad my dad is not having trouble breathing anymore and that he is no longer suffering instead I was being selfish wanting him back.

Someone once blogged and asked, if you could go back in time for just one hour to spend time with someone, who would it be? My answer was I’d love to go back to the day my father died just so I could spend another hour with him.

I have a lot of guilt because I went away the night before he died. Now, looking back, I feel I should have stayed home and been with my father. That night I could hardly sleep because I kept hearing the song Just a Closer Walk with Thee go through my head. My dad was insistent that we find that song so he could hear it before he passed. That guilt may never die.

I really really miss my father.


DustStormDiva



hitched06 52M/52F

7/25/2006 1:07 pm

Dusty one question for you. Do you think your dad would want you to feel guilty over this? I do not even pretend to know your father but he seemed from you writing a great man. So i sumise that he would want you happy and full of life not feeling guilty


kyplowboy22 63M

7/25/2006 7:28 pm

Guilt does nothing but punish the living, kid. The dead have no need to feel guilt, or hold grudges. Let it go, it serves no purpose but to distract you from living. Later

kpb


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
7/26/2006 7:39 am

    Quoting hitched06:
    Dusty one question for you. Do you think your dad would want you to feel guilty over this? I do not even pretend to know your father but he seemed from you writing a great man. So i sumise that he would want you happy and full of life not feeling guilty
No he does not want me to feel guilty. But I do. I can't change the way I feel, I just have to work with it. He was a great man.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
7/26/2006 7:40 am

    Quoting kyplowboy22:
    Guilt does nothing but punish the living, kid. The dead have no need to feel guilt, or hold grudges. Let it go, it serves no purpose but to distract you from living. Later

    kpb
And I punished myself plenty yesterday.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
7/26/2006 7:42 am

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    That's right..listen to plowboy..miss my daddy too..nice post hun..bet your daddy knows it too...thanks for your kind remarks on my blog today..ya are always so nice to me..I appreciate your friendship.
He does, he is with me on most days. I feel him.

You are a super lady Huny, I hope I have as much life as you do when I am in my 50's. I know I am not far behind, but damn a lot could change between then and now.

DustStormDiva


docdirk 49M

7/28/2006 10:00 pm

I'm sure he knew what was in your heart before he passed. And I'm sure he'd wish a little more peace for you about it now. He may have been a great father, but I'm sure you were a great daughter right back. That was enough.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
7/29/2006 9:42 am

    Quoting docdirk:
    I'm sure he knew what was in your heart before he passed. And I'm sure he'd wish a little more peace for you about it now. He may have been a great father, but I'm sure you were a great daughter right back. That was enough.
He was a great father, that's why the anniversary of his death is so very hard. I miss him so very much.

DustStormDiva


rm_Rebelcharmer 56F

9/6/2006 5:33 am

Hello,
today marks 6 months ago my mom died, so finding this post today moved me.....As for guilt its all apart the grieving process they tell me........................they say time heals everything too............I dont know if I believe that. I think there are some hurts and voids you never heal from. But the world doesnt stop over broken hearts, and I just wanted you to know there is a girl here in south carolina that was touched by your words today.........Rachel


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
9/20/2006 10:15 pm

    Quoting rm_Rebelcharmer:
    Hello,
    today marks 6 months ago my mom died, so finding this post today moved me.....As for guilt its all apart the grieving process they tell me........................they say time heals everything too............I dont know if I believe that. I think there are some hurts and voids you never heal from. But the world doesnt stop over broken hearts, and I just wanted you to know there is a girl here in south carolina that was touched by your words today.........Rachel
I don't get online much anymore. I am sorry I missed your response, until now. My condolences. Hang in there, there are sometimes good days.

DustStormDiva


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