Memories Lost  

duststormdiva 52F
7253 posts
1/22/2006 12:22 pm

Last Read:
6/29/2007 1:36 pm

Memories Lost

Masturbation has always been a big part of my life. I remember as early as my first grade year filling the tub up with water and scooting my bottom down near the running water, and letting the water hit my clitoris until I climaxed.

I was raised that masturbation was a sin. Touching yourself was a sign of weakness of the flesh. I felt guilty. I beat myself up for my weaknesses. No one could harm my self-esteem anymore than I already had.

I was kind as a child. Never wanting to hurt anyone or disappointing anyone I always did what was asked of me. This carried on through my early adult life. I was shy and timid. I embarrassed easily. Kids were mean and talked about me, but they never said things to my face. I don’t know if that was good or bad because I had already destroyed my own self-esteem by beating myself up for every little thing I did wrong. Everything. I don’t know if their words could have hurt any worse.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop masturbating. I became strong in my religious beliefs, and everything I did was to follow the teachings of my church. I would fight the temptation and succeed for a while, then I would fall and I could go on a masturbation marathon. Any minute I had alone I was touching myself. Then I would spend hours crying and praying for forgiveness.

I think during the five weeks I lived with my husband I didn’t touch myself. But when we separated, I was in the same place. Fighting temptation, I then would lose the fight.

As I went through my separation I was went into counseling. Patty, my counselor, was a great gal. She had long straight brown hair, glasses, with beady little brown eyes peering through the lenses. She was slender and quite attractive. She was married, but I had the feelings she might be a lesbian or at least bi-sexual. I trusted her.

I talked to her about the depression I experienced through my separation. I didn’t know at this time that my ex was gay. I did know that I was hurt. I knew that I have never loved anyone the way I did my ex. Talking with Patty, I reverted to my childhood ways when remembering how I fell in love with him by doing anything he wanted me to do, just so he would be happy. I questioned her as to why I would work so hard to make others happy so that I could feel loved.

I questioned her as to why I would masturbate at such a young age. She told me that I probably already knew that answer. I cried, and told her, “I do but I don’t remember.”

“What is it you know, Billie?” she asked.

“I think I was molested as a child.” I told her as a tear ran down my cheek. “I think it was someone who I love dearly. But I am not sure, I have no memory of it.”

“People who suspect they were molested and say they know their molesters are usually right. You will remember when your body is ready to remember”

That was ten years ago and I still have no recollection of what happened to me as a small child. I have been really emotional about it lately. Am I beginning to remember? I believe my actions as a young adult were the result of my abuse as a child. I was almost 19 when I lost my virginity. I thought all the guys that had sex with me loved me. I was naive. I became quite the promiscuous one.

I had several partners. So many, I don’t know who fathered my son. I kept a diary of everyone I was intimate with, and there were only two men during that month of conception. Both were proven not to be the father of my son. Could the man who molested me be the father of my son? Could his abuse have continued well into my late teens, and I still tuned it out?

I don’t know that I am ready to find out these answers. Then again, I want to know. If I discovered my mysterious past would unanswered questions about how I live my life be revealed?


DustStormDiva



_Safira 55F
11260 posts
1/22/2006 12:50 pm

Whatever it reveals I'm here to help ... and to love you always. *gentle hugs, Sis* (Soooooo proud of you!!)

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me


PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
1/22/2006 1:37 pm

*soft loving hug* Whether you remember or not, we're here for you, dear, and we love you for you.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 1:42 pm

    Quoting _Safira:
    Whatever it reveals I'm here to help ... and to love you always. *gentle hugs, Sis* (Soooooo proud of you!!)
I know, and I am here for you too. I love you too.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 1:58 pm

    Quoting PrincessKarma:
    *soft loving hug* Whether you remember or not, we're here for you, dear, and we love you for you.
Thank you. I know my beloved bloggers are here for support. I am glad to be a part of this blogging community.

DustStormDiva


MyRealLoverOne 47M

1/22/2006 3:08 pm

My dear one,

It sounds as though you are a good path of healing and self acceptance. I applaud you because I personally know how hard it is to search out these type of deep waters. No matter what you remember, what you uncover, what you decide to do with it...you are surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance.

Big (((hugs)))

Love, Brian


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 3:55 pm

    Quoting MyRealLoverOne:
    My dear one,

    It sounds as though you are a good path of healing and self acceptance. I applaud you because I personally know how hard it is to search out these type of deep waters. No matter what you remember, what you uncover, what you decide to do with it...you are surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance.

    Big (((hugs)))

    Love, Brian
I'll heal totally when I know the truth. Thank you for your love and acceptance. *hugs*

DustStormDiva


WhiffAminoNames 53M
145 posts
1/22/2006 4:49 pm

Dusty,

I believe that self awareness is an extremely valuable quality. Although it is impossible for someone who is not in your shoes to know how you are feeling, I believe that you are generally better off knowing.

My ex-wife had similar feelings as you do but refused to look into them further. She was sexually dysfunctional as she got older and may still be.

I wish you luck,
Sailor


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 4:57 pm

    Quoting sweetneeds2:
    Stay the course, dear one....we are all with you! Mine, and that of others, admiration of your strength and courage will always have your back! Thinking of you! ~Sweet~
Thanks for your advice and support. Even miles away friends from online can be wonderful support.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 5:34 pm

    Quoting WhiffAminoNames:
    Dusty,

    I believe that self awareness is an extremely valuable quality. Although it is impossible for someone who is not in your shoes to know how you are feeling, I believe that you are generally better off knowing.

    My ex-wife had similar feelings as you do but refused to look into them further. She was sexually dysfunctional as she got older and may still be.

    I wish you luck,
    Sailor
I don't think about it till it keeps coming back to my mind. I usually go months without thinking about it. Here recently it has been on my mind. Why now? Wish I knew!

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 5:34 pm

Sometimes it is.

DustStormDiva


Green_Tea_Boy 51M
1064 posts
1/22/2006 6:26 pm

go at your pace...with professional help... you need good structure round each session..and de-briefing...and then you need support from family and friends...

life trauma is part of our make up...and how we have coped with it goes partway to our own emotional social and psychological make-up... sexual trauma is destructive and requires very careful handling...both as victim and counselor

((((hugs))))


digdug41 50M

1/22/2006 8:20 pm

hey dusty we are on the same page peep my blog

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 8:38 pm

    Quoting Green_Tea_Boy:
    go at your pace...with professional help... you need good structure round each session..and de-briefing...and then you need support from family and friends...

    life trauma is part of our make up...and how we have coped with it goes partway to our own emotional social and psychological make-up... sexual trauma is destructive and requires very careful handling...both as victim and counselor

    ((((hugs))))
I'll get the professional counseling if and when I get insurance. In the mean time, I'll have to just deal the best way I know how.

I have wonderful friends. I know they will be there for me.

DustStormDiva


onelittlesecret 35M
1579 posts
1/22/2006 8:43 pm

Hugs for you Dusty.


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
1/22/2006 9:01 pm

One day that weight will be lifted and I hope soon...so that you can put it away and move forward. I will happen...at your own pace.
** Hugs**

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/22/2006 9:13 pm

    Quoting digdug41:
    hey dusty we are on the same page peep my blog
Thanks sweetie! *hugs*

DustStormDiva


TTigerAtty 63M

1/23/2006 12:25 am

Dusty...I don't have any experience with this, so I don't know what I might contribute that would be helpful and supportive. I can only say that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you search for peace, contentment and happiness in your life.


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
53F

1/23/2006 1:20 am

sweetie
*hugs you gently*
we are here...

TTFN


GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
1/23/2006 4:28 am

~nodz~

~ sendz warm hugz ~


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 5:26 am

Thanks young one. I read your profile. You are just so sweet.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 5:30 am

    Quoting slidein2meplz:
    One day that weight will be lifted and I hope soon...so that you can put it away and move forward. I will happen...at your own pace.
    ** Hugs**
I don't think my progression to move forward has stopped me from completeing my goals. However, I do believe that now that I have cleared a few other hurdles in my life, I have this huge one to clear. I don't know that I am ready to face this one or not, because it may destroy some special memories.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 5:36 am

    Quoting BigGirlzRSweet:
    Yes, some things would be clearer to you. And you'd have a chance to confront the past and move on from it. But the 'way you are' today isn't all bad because of your past and what's happened. And if you want to change something, then the past isn't the key, it's the present... at least that was the advice that someone once gave to me.

    Have you thought about hypnotism? I know that it's a slippery slope, but some have found that to be important and the key to discovering that scary, horrible thing that started you on a road that you weren't ready for.

    Just asking and offering here... I'm fulla shit most of the time, so keep that in mind.
I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim of my upbringing. Not that I have had such a horrible life, but my mother really was a bad parent and I swore I'd be so much different when I raised my children. And I have. Mother was not mentally or physcially abusive, just neglectful.

I changed what I didn't like, I have tried to protect my children from what I think I might have gone through. However, I failed on that one. But I have changed what I didn't like.

Hypnotism? No, I have not thought about it, but will consider it.

Thanks for your love and support.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 5:38 am

    Quoting TTigerAtty:
    Dusty...I don't have any experience with this, so I don't know what I might contribute that would be helpful and supportive. I can only say that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you search for peace, contentment and happiness in your life.
Thanks Tiger. I am happy and content in my life, but there is a peace of mind that trails way behind.

Thanks for your support.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 5:39 am

*hugs*

DustStormDiva


rm_ruper60 52M
1 post
1/23/2006 9:41 am

Your story reads like mine. The sick bastards steal the pure souls of children.I am sorry you are hurting, but talking about it is part of the healing.It was not your fault. A third(Yes) of all children experience some form of sexual abuse.I know the fear, guilt and shame a child goes through thinking he is the guilty one. Wrong place and wrong time. You were avail and got scooped. They probably had more victims other than yourself.It saddens me as I had no say on becoming an adult. At the time your body does not understand what is in your head. I missed out on a beautiful innocent experience as a young man.
Only you can deal with it. Therapists tell you what you know, and take your money. Dump the load, the guilt and shame.Free yourself and keep on masturbating, as that makes you a normal human being.The orgasms should fill your body with feel good hormones and it is the best anti-depressant avail. You are a unique soul. Celebrate it! Good luck with your journey. It is not easy, but you have all the energy and answers within you. Seek and you shall find it.


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 12:43 pm

    Quoting rm_ruper60:
    Your story reads like mine. The sick bastards steal the pure souls of children.I am sorry you are hurting, but talking about it is part of the healing.It was not your fault. A third(Yes) of all children experience some form of sexual abuse.I know the fear, guilt and shame a child goes through thinking he is the guilty one. Wrong place and wrong time. You were avail and got scooped. They probably had more victims other than yourself.It saddens me as I had no say on becoming an adult. At the time your body does not understand what is in your head. I missed out on a beautiful innocent experience as a young man.
    Only you can deal with it. Therapists tell you what you know, and take your money. Dump the load, the guilt and shame.Free yourself and keep on masturbating, as that makes you a normal human being.The orgasms should fill your body with feel good hormones and it is the best anti-depressant avail. You are a unique soul. Celebrate it! Good luck with your journey. It is not easy, but you have all the energy and answers within you. Seek and you shall find it.
That's some very powerful information you shared with me. Thanks for taking the time to offer me your kind words.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 2:40 pm

    Quoting humboldthonni:
    When you get insurance, a good therapist will go gently with you. Hynotism via regression can be built on trust, step by step. Get into a woman's support group as you do it. It is a spiritual road and you are worthy of such a deep challenge. The truth may set you free.

    And you know that whatever happens so many here are rooting for you. Blessings darlin.
I talked to someone about getting insurance today. I filled out the paperwork, but need just a few papers to turn in.

I don't know that I could trust anyone to hypnotize me. That will come in time. I have found that I do trust easier than I used to. I know my blogging friends have always been super support to me. Words can not express my gratitude for that.

DustStormDiva


Cowboy_Deluxe 39M

1/23/2006 5:36 pm

Wow, what I can say, is my sis was molested by my father when she was very young..she remembers, and has been trying to forget ever since.
I also know a lady, I talk to her every now and then..I'm still am reluctant to visit her. I lived with her for awhile. She had a friend that would come over, he would drink a lot..did drugs..he never came over while I was there. He molested her children. I turned him in cause her oldest son told me..anyways he got charged with molestation..before they found him guilty he killed himself. She only hopes the kids don't remember. I think the oldest has shut it out, after reading this, I hope he remembers..and heals from it.
Cowboy.


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/23/2006 11:47 pm

    Quoting Cowboy_Deluxe:
    Wow, what I can say, is my sis was molested by my father when she was very young..she remembers, and has been trying to forget ever since.
    I also know a lady, I talk to her every now and then..I'm still am reluctant to visit her. I lived with her for awhile. She had a friend that would come over, he would drink a lot..did drugs..he never came over while I was there. He molested her children. I turned him in cause her oldest son told me..anyways he got charged with molestation..before they found him guilty he killed himself. She only hopes the kids don't remember. I think the oldest has shut it out, after reading this, I hope he remembers..and heals from it.
    Cowboy.
I pray he remembers and heals. Else he will be haunted by it, like I am.

DustStormDiva


MrNuttz05 50M

1/24/2006 3:40 pm

You are not alone in your battle. Just keep fighting it, pray on it, & the light will shine for you. You are a woman of faith, & faith heals all! I sense a strong heart in you. We all are here for you... I send you all of the hugs that your body, heart, & soul can withstand....


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/24/2006 4:41 pm

    Quoting ReticentDevil:
    dusty - big hug....i don';t know that i can say anything that will help you know what you need to know....or remember what you need to remember....or understand what you need to understand....

    but understand that if i could - if i had that knowledge or insight - i would in a heartbeat....as it stands, all i can offer is support and long-distance hugs
I hope you know that I appreciate you.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/24/2006 7:49 pm

    Quoting MrNuttz05:
    You are not alone in your battle. Just keep fighting it, pray on it, & the light will shine for you. You are a woman of faith, & faith heals all! I sense a strong heart in you. We all are here for you... I send you all of the hugs that your body, heart, & soul can withstand....
Mr. Nutz, my new found friend. You are here so strong and supportive for someone you just met. Thanks my handsome new friend.

DustStormDiva


MrNuttz05 50M

1/27/2006 1:57 pm

Anytime & all the time...


duststormdiva 52F
6854 posts
1/29/2006 12:53 pm

*hugs*

DustStormDiva


Become a member to create a blog